insecure around beautiful friend

[Anonymous]

I’ve never been that close with someone for so many years and still felt that they or their lives are “perfect.” That seems so weird to me. When I am friends with someone usually some vulnerability develops and I lose that instinct to compare myself to them.

Are you just a very competitive person in general OP? Do you maybe feel that you have one over on most people except for this lady?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!

You are a psychiatrist and you think manic people make others feel “happy and great”? Ok. Whatever you say.

OP, I think your insight into the situation— that this is coming from you, not her—is likely correct. But it is very common to feel insecure around extremely attractive people but to want to be around them anyway.

Expansive manic people do. Yes.
If I bring a group of medical students and residents to meet someone who tells them that they are beautiful and brilliant and will make all of their dreams come true and that she has discovered the cure for Lupus and they should all go in together and patent it because they are such brilliant young doctors, they will all walk out smiling.

I’m not saying that it is pleasant to be married to this person. They often don’t reality test well, make extremely poor decisions, and are sometimes psychotic. There are also other types of mania. Not everyone is an expansive manic. Manic people can be irritable or euphoric without being expansive and including you in their euphoria. And often they are distressed themselves at their own behavior and inability to “shut down.”

I don’t know what’s going on here. But taking OP at face value and believing that she really doesn’t feel this way around anyone else, my guess is that it’s coming from the friend.
Is it really that hard to believe that someone who is always “perfect” and never talks about any real problems or vulnerabilities is kind of insecure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never been that close with someone for so many years and still felt that they or their lives are “perfect.” That seems so weird to me. When I am friends with someone usually some vulnerability develops and I lose that instinct to compare myself to them.

Are you just a very competitive person in general OP? Do you maybe feel that you have one over on most people except for this lady?

I had wondered whether the friend was more guarded, hence the lack of disclosure of deeper issues. Over 12 years it seems like something would have come up.

Maybe the friend is wearing a protective coating both in appearance and in how she discloses. Maybe in turn, OP doesn’t disclose her vulnerabilities either. That would keep them on this more superficial plane for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Ask her to help you with a glowup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a female, mid 40's, intelligent and reasonably attractive, with a good career (subspecialty surgeon), wonderful marriage, and happy/healthy kids. In general, I am confident, know my value, secure in my relationships, and do not put a lot of emphasis on looks. However, I have one friend, who is SO drop-dead gorgeous, that I am intimidated by her. Her face, hair, body, skin--everything is flawless. Her fashion sense is amazing. She is confident, eloquent, and (not that it is important) but very wealthy. I find myself comparing myself and in-general--being in awe of her whenever we are together.

Now, this friend is nothing but loving and open with me (we have known each other for about 8 years, have gone on girls' trips together, hang out 2-3 times/month). She always reaches out to spend time together and tells me how much our friendship means to her. She is fun and funny and I enjoy our time together. The problem is, I never feel like I can completely relax around her because she is just SO perfect. Even when she is vulnerable--which is not often--her problems seem so "not-problematic" (I know that sounds horrible).

My question is--I've spent the last 12 years trying to relax into our friendship and be completely myself and vulnerable with her, but I can't. I still need to dress up, do my makeup etc. before I meet this friend. What can I do to not be intimidated by her, and open up to her enough to enjoy her company more fully? I know it's a ME problem, and not HER. It's my insecurities. How do I move on and enjoy our friendship, which I value, and I know she values it too.

PS--I do have a small group of friends who are my ride-or-die, hang out in pajamas sans makeup, love-me-at my-worst friends.

Why do all women tell everyone how intelligent they are without actually demonstrating it.

[Anonymous]

Your jealousy makes you a bad friend. Time to end it.

[Anonymous]

I think you might not be paying enough attention to her and instead are focusing on the things that make you feel inferior.
Everybody has something not so great in their life, she can’t be perfect on the inside and outside it’s just what you’re seeing.
Maybe you have a really superficial relationship with her and don’t talk about anything in any sort of depth? I think you are just blinding yourself with this airbrushed vision of what you think her and her life is.

The next time it’s just you and her share something really vulnerable, (don’t talk about your insecurity around her) make it something that really scares you, she will share hers most likely and then you’ll realize we are all pretty much the same, some of us just come in pretty wrappers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never been that close with someone for so many years and still felt that they or their lives are “perfect.” That seems so weird to me. When I am friends with someone usually some vulnerability develops and I lose that instinct to compare myself to them.

Are you just a very competitive person in general OP? Do you maybe feel that you have one over on most people except for this lady?

I had wondered whether the friend was more guarded, hence the lack of disclosure of deeper issues. Over 12 years it seems like something would have come up.

Maybe the friend is wearing a protective coating both in appearance and in how she discloses. Maybe in turn, OP doesn’t disclose her vulnerabilities either. That would keep them on this more superficial plane for a long time.

This is where I land too. The friend is not vulnerable on the same level as OP and that's what keeps her from being more real and thus intimidatingly perfect.

[Anonymous]

Very beautiful women actually play down their attractiveness because otherwise their lives are polluted by unwanted attention and they are not taken seriously. The fact she is so perfect tells me she is working hard at it and probably feels insecure inside. I guarantee that she’s not a superhuman, and has insecurities like you.

Instead of focusing on her, though, work on focusing on your owns strengths. That’s how you calm down the little voice that keeps wondering if you are enough. You are more than enough. You’re a miracle of evolution doing a lot of good in the world. Don’t let someone else spoil it—and for no reason whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would expect better from you. You are an educated person, a medical professional. Have you not saved lives? You of all people should know how fragile life is. Fragile happiness is. Fragile health is. A person's life, the entire course of their life could change in an instant.

Life is long, with ups and downs, and challenges, and changing circumstances. Stop sounding like a shallow doofus.

[Anonymous]

She hangs out with you because you're both in the same socioeconomic class. As a specialty surgeon, you're also wealthy. She doesn't have to watch what she says around you because there's no jealousy when it comes to money and spending habits. So, in a way, she's already being vulnerable with you.

Does she work? If not, she has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more time to spend on self-care, appearances, exercise, shopping, etc. She actually might feel inferior and anxious spending time with you - an accomplished and well-educated surgeon who is busy working. But remember that it can go both ways, especially if she's not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a female, mid 40's, intelligent and reasonably attractive, with a good career (subspecialty surgeon), wonderful marriage, and happy/healthy kids. In general, I am confident, know my value, secure in my relationships, and do not put a lot of emphasis on looks. However, I have one friend, who is SO drop-dead gorgeous, that I am intimidated by her. Her face, hair, body, skin--everything is flawless. Her fashion sense is amazing. She is confident, eloquent, and (not that it is important) but very wealthy. I find myself comparing myself and in-general--being in awe of her whenever we are together.

Now, this friend is nothing but loving and open with me (we have known each other for about 8 years, have gone on girls' trips together, hang out 2-3 times/month). She always reaches out to spend time together and tells me how much our friendship means to her. She is fun and funny and I enjoy our time together. The problem is, I never feel like I can completely relax around her because she is just SO perfect. Even when she is vulnerable--which is not often--her problems seem so "not-problematic" (I know that sounds horrible).

My question is--I've spent the last 12 years trying to relax into our friendship and be completely myself and vulnerable with her, but I can't. I still need to dress up, do my makeup etc. before I meet this friend. What can I do to not be intimidated by her, and open up to her enough to enjoy her company more fully? I know it's a ME problem, and not HER. It's my insecurities. How do I move on and enjoy our friendship, which I value, and I know she values it too.

PS--I do have a small group of friends who are my ride-or-die, hang out in pajamas sans makeup, love-me-at my-worst friends.

Some mom groups form bc they are into fitness and looking really polished. Some more low key.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day she sits on a toilet and uses tp just like you.

[Anonymous]

Since you still feel like you need to dress up and put makeup on around her, my guess is one of these two things.

1) You feel like you need to impress her. Maybe this stems from some middle school mean girl dynamic. Look into your past.

Or

2) You have a girl crush. It’s doesn’t mean you’re gay or bi, it’s a crush. You put her on a pedestal and you’re uncomfortable with your feelings so you’re suppressing them.

[Anonymous]

Just eat her out