insecure around beautiful friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a female, mid 40's, intelligent and reasonably attractive, with a good career (subspecialty surgeon), wonderful marriage, and happy/healthy kids. In general, I am confident, know my value, secure in my relationships, and do not put a lot of emphasis on looks. However, I have one friend, who is SO drop-dead gorgeous, that I am intimidated by her. Her face, hair, body, skin--everything is flawless. Her fashion sense is amazing. She is confident, eloquent, and (not that it is important) but very wealthy. I find myself comparing myself and in-general--being in awe of her whenever we are together.

Now, this friend is nothing but loving and open with me (we have known each other for about 8 years, have gone on girls' trips together, hang out 2-3 times/month). She always reaches out to spend time together and tells me how much our friendship means to her. She is fun and funny and I enjoy our time together. The problem is, I never feel like I can completely relax around her because she is just SO perfect. Even when she is vulnerable--which is not often--her problems seem so "not-problematic" (I know that sounds horrible).

My question is--I've spent the last 12 years trying to relax into our friendship and be completely myself and vulnerable with her, but I can't. I still need to dress up, do my makeup etc. before I meet this friend. What can I do to not be intimidated by her, and open up to her enough to enjoy her company more fully? I know it's a ME problem, and not HER. It's my insecurities. How do I move on and enjoy our friendship, which I value, and I know she values it too.

PS--I do have a small group of friends who are my ride-or-die, hang out in pajamas sans makeup, love-me-at my-worst friends.

So glad I am not a woman. I'll never feel this way next to a jacked and drop dead gorgeous man lol

And you assume that all women have felt this way based on one woman's experience?

You moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.

I tell my daughter something like this. She is very pretty, but also shy and anxious.
Pretty girls really don’t have the option of being shy. If a pretty girl or beautiful women isn’t talking to anyone, she doesn’t come off as shy and kind of awkward. She comes off as being aloof and kind of mean.

Please stop telling your daughter this crap

+1.

It's complete crap. Shy people generally come off as aloof and mean, pretty or not. Stop giving your daughter reasons to be a lazy friend. It's easy to avoid making any effort if you can just throw your arms up in the air and assume people are jealous of you.

I grew up with a girl who was always 1st in class, drop dead gorgeous, kind and social etc
She is a 40 year old cardiologist now and still very kind and beautiful. She is very loved and respected by everyone. Women don't feel insecure around her.

[Anonymous]

Some of your other friends might feel the same way about being in your company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're getting some bad advice so far, OP.

-I definitely would not say anything to her. That is weird.
-And of course the Everyone is secretly gay" poster has to show up.

Psychologically, most people like to be around people who feel at the same level to them. It's hard to be around someone who consistently has a better career, more money, healthier family, better looking, whatever. Some of us do better with it than others, but I have found that a steady diet of someone who has "more" of something that you would like to have is exhausting. It is the constant reminder that you don't have it.

That being said, 1) I'm sure you're not the only person who feels this way around her, and she values you so much because you are a good and committed friend to her. That is a huge gift to her. 2) You can either stair step it down on how "done" you get when you're around her and see how it goes, or continue to put in a bit of effort when you're around her. Or lastly, which would be a shame, stop being around her.

I do wonder, given your remark about her problems don't seem that problematic--though you recognize it was an unfair thought--that deep down you sort of resent her. If so, you might think about why that is?

This is the only reasonable take in this thread....
But I think the problem is that OP seems to put the friend on a pedestal and doesn't seem to appreciate her for who she actually is; or maybe the friend just keeps things very surface-level. One of the biggest disservice we do to people is treat them based on how they look.
OP has an amazing life (seriously, she has it all). I'm sure millions of people would do a lot to have her life.

[Anonymous]

Op this woman isn’t thinking about any of that nonsense you posted. She’s just happy she has a friend who is a doctor MD and also a surgeon.

[Anonymous]

Look into shadow work. You are projecting onto this woman… she is your “golden shadow”, in that she has wonderful traits you perceive as lacking in yourself. Find out why and it will unlock a lot of insight into your own life and propel your self growth. Find a Jungian psychoanalyst to do this work.

[Anonymous]

Probably your husband crushes on her and it makes you feel insecure.

You need to keep this friendship and reasses your marriage, imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!

MD here. This is a smart psychiatrist. Well done, fellow doc!

OP, I would also add that it's important to remember how high functioning you are, and how you appear to the rest of the world. I mean, read your OP. You're a subspec surgeon, great family, successful, you may not be gorgeous like your friend, but I bet you look great. Now ask yourself how many people around you may have the reaction to you that you have to your friend. Also ask yourself, honestly, how many women intimidate you. Not many, right? As a fellow subspec physician and mom, I'm really proud of where I am in life. Very few women make me look at my own life and think I did it wrong. So, you get used to feeling a bit of superiority (I don't mean that in a mean way), and it's unsettling and unfamiliar to feel less-than. Cheesy as it sounds, consider it an opportunity to up your game, whether it's in fashion, fitness, problem-solving, etc. And maybe at this point that feels exhausting and you don't want that, but I bet very few women in your orbit cause you to reach a bit. It's not a bad thing.

Either way you sound self-aware and kind. Be proud of yourself.

I'm disturbed by the fact that I can't tell whether this post is a joke or not. I'm more disturbed by the fact that several doctors (if these women are to be believed) have commented on this vacuous post.