Because people have brought up mental illness: I know mental illness. I've had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I've taken antidepressants since I was in high school, and I work with people who are mentally ill.

To me, being transgender feels different.

For example, I remember when I started taking my little daily happy pill. A few days later, a switch clicked in my brain as my brain finally had the right chemical balance of serotonin. My depression subdued and I knew that I was who my brain and body had the full potential of being in regards to happiness.

When I first brought up my thoughts on being trans to my therapist, she suggested upping the dose of my antidepressant. That did nothing, so I switched meds. Still nothing.

That same switch happened when I started HRT. My body now has just as much estrogen as yours, and finally I feel at home in my body.

Anonymous wrote:Do you love yourself?

Did you love yourself before?

I do love myself very much. I loved myself before, but in a different way. More of a "Well, I guess this is what I'm stuck with so I guess I kind of have to love it" rather than a full, embraceful love of who I am.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some phrases or statements you've heard that express fundamental disagreement with your lifestyle, but are phrases that you do not consider mean-spirited, or bigoted?

I'm curious about this too. I do not agree with transgender in any way, shape or form. However, I believe strongly in tolerance. I have no fear or hostility about the issue and feel strongly appraised of both the scientific and intellectual opinion on the matter. To be respectful to the situation, what terminology expresses lack of agreement, but is unbigoted and not mean spirited. Thank you.

I understand what you are asking and appreciate that you want to learn how to speak in an unoffensive manner, but I do not feel comfortable teaching you polite transphobic statements. I'm sorry. I can help you research or can point you in the right direction if you would like more information on learning about being transgender, but for my own peace of mind that is the best I can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you use the ladies room in public? Ever encounter an issue?

Yes, though I avoid bathrooms as much as I can. I generally wait until I can find a family, single stall bathroom to avoid the issue. I've had people scream when I walk in, go get security, or tell me I'm going to hell.

But on the flip side, I've been punched in the face when in the men's room early in my transition. I've had men threaten to rape me.

Reading this just filled me with so much compassion. Even when you feel as though you are finally living your life in a way that makes sense to you, you must constantly be reminded that you don't fit in anywhere. OF course I don't agree with that, but it just occurred to me that you probably get that message from at least one stranger every day of your life. I can't imagine how demoralizing that must be. I admire your courage and resilience. And thank you for this thread!

Thank you. It can be tough, but to me, is incredibly worthwhile. I hope that by realizing how difficult I, and other transgender people like me, have it you will make it a point to be kind to us. Even a smile if we were to meet in a bathroom helps.

Anonymous wrote:

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think there would have been any way to continue living as a man and being accepting of yourself?

Is there any way you can describe what it feels like to feel like your gender and sex don't match up?

No. I might have been able to suppress my feelings enough to get by on a day to day basis, but I would have been very unhappy.

Every trans person has a different experience, so please understand that my views and history are mine alone.

I felt uncomfortable growing up. I'm a very sensory person, so I've described it as constantly feeling like there was a tag itching me on my clothing, or that uncomfortable toe seam on socks. I was never truly at ease. I didn't hate my penis, but hated that having it meant that I was automatically supposed to subscribe to traditional masculine thoughts and actions. I felt like I was pretending. I would study what boys and men did and then replicated the behaviors that I saw, but constantly felt like I was playing a character.

Transitioning has changed me from wearing an itchy wool shirt to the smoothest, softest silk shirt that feels wonderful when I wear it.

Not the PP. Thanks for educating all of us. I love this thread.

Do you now study women and try to replicate their behavior?

I study women now to some extent, though I've found that being feminine and doing "woman-y" things comes so much more naturally to me than doing "man-ly" things. A lot of behaviors I see women do, I've found that I instinctively do.

When my hair finally grew out enough, I practiced doing hair flips and felt like such an amazing goddess of a women the first time I did it. That was a great experience.

Despite watching women do it everyday, I cannot manage to walk in heels. It's embarrassing to watch me try. I'll stick to my beloved flats!

Anonymous wrote:What are some phrases or statements you've heard that express fundamental disagreement with your lifestyle, but are phrases that you do not consider mean-spirited, or bigoted?

I've been thinking about this for awhile. It's a fantastic question, and one that I haven't been able to think of any answers for. I'm sure that I've encountered plenty, but cannot think of any. If I can recall any, I will report back!

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with transgender; however, I appreciate your openness in this thread and I feel that I've learned something. Thank you.

Can I ask what you don't agree with? Also, I'm very glad that I could help teach you something. My very strong opinion is that a lot of disagreement, fear, or hostility simply comes from not knowing or being uninformed.

Anonymous wrote:

Gaia wrote:

My boss knows after I was outed by somebody who was a friend of mine, but my boss is fine with everything. I haven't told any coworkers, but I'm pretty sure that some of them suspect.

A coworker used to make a lot of tranny jokes that were cruel and hurtful, but my boss and one coworker who I think knows cracked down on that and put a stop to it. I've been debating coming out to them for a few months now, but haven't yet found the courage to do it.

Does this mean you present as male (Im sorry if I screw up the lingo) at work? That must be hard, I'm sorry. To have to flip back and forth like that.

FWIW, I'm not sure that transitioning is the best way to treat transsexualism but I think that everyone should be allowed to live their lives in pursuit of their own happiness.

No, I present as female at work and in all other aspects of my life right now, but an ex-friend told my boss about my history, gave him my birth name (that I've had legally changed) and showed him old pictures of me when I presented as male.

Anonymous wrote:Do you use the ladies room in public? Ever encounter an issue?

Yes, though I avoid bathrooms as much as I can. I generally wait until I can find a family, single stall bathroom to avoid the issue. I've had people scream when I walk in, go get security, or tell me I'm going to hell.

But on the flip side, I've been punched in the face when in the men's room early in my transition. I've had men threaten to rape me.

Anonymous wrote:OK, dumb side question: why do people write trans*, with the apostrophe?

OP, how do you respond to people who say there are other ways to treat transgender issues, with therapy and medication, and that these are the only "right" ways, that you shouldn't be accommodated, the "lipstick on a pig" poster, etc. Did you attempt any of those before transitioning? Do you see it as a body dysmorphic disorder, or something completely separate?

Trans* is used by some to be more inclusive, as the * could stand for gender, sexual, or other identities. Read more about it here: http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2014/01/10/trans_what_does_it_mean_and_where_did_it_come_from.html

I think that people with those opinions are entitled to the, and perhaps are not not fully informed. I had to have therapy before I started HRT, and I continue to be in therapy to help me as my life is changing. I don't understand why others do not wish trans people to be accommodated, or why some people are scared of me.

I have some degree of body dysmorphia, though not as much as other trans people I know.

Anonymous wrote:what is cis?

Cisgender is somebody whose outwards genitalia matches with their gender identity. Basically, the opposite of transgender.

Some people do not like that there is a word for this, but I like having that word. It makes being trans less "other". We have a word for people who are sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender and sex (straight) that is the opposite of gay.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think there would have been any way to continue living as a man and being accepting of yourself?

Is there any way you can describe what it feels like to feel like your gender and sex don't match up?

No. I might have been able to suppress my feelings enough to get by on a day to day basis, but I would have been very unhappy.

Every trans person has a different experience, so please understand that my views and history are mine alone.

I felt uncomfortable growing up. I'm a very sensory person, so I've described it as constantly feeling like there was a tag itching me on my clothing, or that uncomfortable toe seam on socks. I was never truly at ease. I didn't hate my penis, but hated that having it meant that I was automatically supposed to subscribe to traditional masculine thoughts and actions. I felt like I was pretending. I would study what boys and men did and then replicated the behaviors that I saw, but constantly felt like I was playing a character.

Transitioning has changed me from wearing an itchy wool shirt to the smoothest, softest silk shirt that feels wonderful when I wear it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was the response at your work - assuming you were a male when hired and are still at the same place since you officially transitioned? (You may not be)

I moved after I started transitioning, just to give myself a completely fresh start. My current job has only known me as a woman. Somebody I thought was a friend outed me to my boss, but my boss does not mind. I haven't told any coworkers.

(new poster). I don't know why this annoys me or if it's wrong that it does (I feel guilty about it so assume it is wrong), but I hate seeing transgendered women (male to female) and cross dressers. I was born female, am straight and present as female. The transgendered women and those who crossdress in women's clothes NEVER look like any women I know. They always have fake manicured nails, heavily makeup'd faces, very frilly dresses, heels, etc. Why don't I ever see a transgendered woman wearing just jeans and a t-shirt like I wear every day? I can always spot a trans woman, without needing to be told. Do you think people really can't tell? Or am I just good at this?

Not the OP. There are lots of ways to answer this, but I think the most obvious is "How do you know that you can always spot a trans woman?" I mean, if you can't spot her, you don't know that you didn't spot her.

As for why some trans women are into performative femininity, I think that some trans women are into performative femininity for the same reason as some cis women. Because it makes them feel good, or that's their personal style. I know plenty of trans women who wear jeans, or jeans and a blazer. However, I also think there's an element of gender presentation at play. As a cis woman, and a cis woman with an hourglass shape, there is no outfit I could wear that would lead someone to misgender me. I wear my hair short, and I've never been called "sir." But if you are in the grey area anyway, because you are trans or genderqueer or just androgynous, then overtly feminine clothes tell the world how you want to be addressed.

That's exactly right, PP. I have to present a certain why to fit in society's beauty standards for women. If I wear a dress, even if people would be able to tell from my face and body that I was DMAB, it's kind of obvious that I am at least trying to be a woman. (I hated typing out that sentence, by the way. I am not trying to be anything. I simply am.) But if I were clothes, even just jeans and a shirt, that are not obviously gendered, I get perceived as a man more often than I would like (which is never.)

Anonymous wrote:

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I'm the poster from your previous thread who has a Wiccan family member and posted a few times clarifying things based on my experience. I thought your other thread was great and hope this one stays similarly respectful. I am a grad student and recently wrote a paper on providing culturally competent therapy to transgender people that also involved a number of interviews with trans* friends and friends of friends. At this point, I am basically a straight married ciswoman, but earlier in life, I had girlfriends, some of whom were DMAB, so I'm familiar with being the partner of someone who is beginning HRT or considering surgery.

I don't have many questions, but here's one:

What is your relationship with your ex-wife like now? How did your father react to you coming out to him? Was your mother still alive at that time?

To what extent you are a trans* activist? Does your professional situation involve gender identity? Are you active politically? Do you participate in trans* focused social activities?

Hi! I'm glad you've stopped by. I appreciated and enjoyed your input on my other AMA.

My relationship with my ex is...strained. Our entire relationship was intense and tumultuous. She's supportive of my transition and is okay with me continuing to be a parent to our children, but she wants nothing to do with me.

My mother never knew. I regret that she will never know the true me, but I'm confident that she would love me. My father was originally opposed to my religion when I was a teenager, but knew that if was too vocal about it he would lose me, and because I am his only family left he learned to accept my faith. The same thing happened when I came out to him as being transgender; he wasn't happy, but accepted it just so he could stay in my life.

My career does not have to do with gender identity. I'm somewhat politically active, in that I vote and try to stay informed. I go to trans rallies and some meetups, but I'm very shy and introverted so most of my connections with other Wiccans and other trans people are online.

I was glad to see you start another thread. I suspect we would get along well IRL.

Follow up question - have you experienced discrimination or harassment at work because of your gender identity? I ask because a dear friend of mine recently just put his transition on hold because of problems at work. His workplace is actually VERY support of trans* rights, but he works in a rape crisis center in a direct services capacity and it was determined by senior staff that having a counselor who presented as male would be too traumatic for many of their clients. They are happy that he is on staff, knowing as you and I both do the stats related to sexual assaults on transgender people, but he was basically told that he could switch to an admin role or stay "female" in direct services. It is a complicated sad situation that there is really no solution to. His plan is to stay at the agency for another year or so and then find a new job, start as male and avoid the problem, which it sounds like you have mostly done.

My boss knows after I was outed by somebody who was a friend of mine, but my boss is fine with everything. I haven't told any coworkers, but I'm pretty sure that some of them suspect.

A coworker used to make a lot of tranny jokes that were cruel and hurtful, but my boss and one coworker who I think knows cracked down on that and put a stop to it. I've been debating coming out to them for a few months now, but haven't yet found the courage to do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was the response at your work - assuming you were a male when hired and are still at the same place since you officially transitioned? (You may not be)

I moved after I started transitioning, just to give myself a completely fresh start. My current job has only known me as a woman. Somebody I thought was a friend outed me to my boss, but my boss does not mind. I haven't told any coworkers.

(new poster). I don't know why this annoys me or if it's wrong that it does (I feel guilty about it so assume it is wrong), but I hate seeing transgendered women (male to female) and cross dressers. I was born female, am straight and present as female. The transgendered women and those who crossdress in women's clothes NEVER look like any women I know. They always have fake manicured nails, heavily makeup'd faces, very frilly dresses, heels, etc. Why don't I ever see a transgendered woman wearing just jeans and a t-shirt like I wear every day? I can always spot a trans woman, without needing to be told. Do you think people really can't tell? Or am I just good at this?

I overcompensated when I first transitioned. I wore a lot of makeup because for the first time, it was socially acceptable to do so. I wore age-inappropriate clothing because I could finally wear the clothes that I'd seen in magazines or on celebrities. Imagine transwomen as teenage girls experimenting with their looks for the first time, because that's pretty much what we are. You had your awkward puberty years in middle school, whereas some transwomen have that awkward stage in middle age!

I've finally settled into a style that's still more work than I'd like. I want to wear short hair and wear little to no makeup, but that makes me look more masculine.

DMAB (designated male at birth) have different facial features than women. HRT changes the face slightly, so perhaps the women you see have not yet started on hormones. Some transwomen, like Caitlyn Jenner, have surgery to make their faces more feminine.

Congratulations, you're good at picking out transwomen. You're observant. But ask yourself if how these women dress affects you, and please do not out them.