I don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

I am in love with a man who is amazing, smart, charming, generous, affectionate, funny. We are planning to get married later this year. He's everything I want, except that he's morbidly obese. At least 350 pounds, probably more. I"m normal weight.

He had a very traumatic childhood which probably would have driven many to suicide - so I understand why he eats. We have been dating for quite a while and at the beginning he seemed to be making efforts to diet, but isn't anymore. He is very busy with his work and doesn't really do anything healthy. I'm pretty health-oriented and would probably not date a person who smoked or drank or used drugs regularly.

Sometimes I get angry because he quit smoking for his ex-wife - but I know that these things are apples and oranges since cigarettes aren't necessary for life, but a person can't give up food.

I have brought up my concerns several times about how scared I am that he will have a heart attack, stroke, develop cancer, etc. Since he's in his forties now, it seems to me that these are really legitimate possibilities. He hasn't responded with any kind of concrete actions and that frustrates me. We'll never have a normal sex life and probably will be hit with major medical bills at some point, maybe not too far off.

I can't imagine life without him, but I don't think an ultimatum would work and I don't know how to make him care about his health. Maybe this is just something that people have to live with?

Any thoughts appreciated! Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Work on it together and buy life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work on it together and buy life insurance.

I think you would have a hard time qualifying for life insurance with those stats - other than the minimum an employer would provide. Physicals are usually required for larger amounts.

[Anonymous]

Hire a dedicated personal trainer in an environment he's comfortable in and go with him

[Anonymous]

I would be worried about his mobility as he gets older. Will you be OK with becoming his nurse? It is extremely hard to lose weight as you get older especially after 40. 40's are also when overweight people start running into health problems. How do you envision your future?

[Anonymous]

Run, girl. He can't catch you. Just run.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming at this point he already has health problems - diabetic, bad knees, asthma, etc?
Doesn't his doc do anything to encourage him?

Is he willing to change in forms of baby steps - a 1 mile walk after dinner for starters, better diet so he can start to ease off of being an emotional eater?

[Anonymous]

OP here. he doesn't have any health issues right now. No diabetes, blood pressure is in normal range (or was not long ago). He doesn't like to go to the doctor though.

He is taking antidepressants which led to some of the weight gain of the past few years.

[Anonymous]

Here's a little-known secret:

Significant, long-term, non-surgical weight loss is so rare it is essentially a myth. Here's the stats on the diet rate highest by U.S. News: http://health.usnews.com/best-diet/dash-diet. Those in the most successful diet lost an average of 19 pounds. If you weigh over 300 lbs and lose 50, you may still qualify as obese. Obesity changes your body and there is some research to suggest that obesity is a symptom of underlying health issues that will always cause your body to both proccess and crave food differently that people who are a normal weight. The only way to lose more than a modest amount and keep it off long term is either surgery accompanied by significant lifestyle changes or essentially an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Psych meds are terrible. They make you gain weight, and it's really hard to lose. I lost 73 lbs on diet alone and gained it all back when I was put on a psych meds. I'm going to get weight loss surgery.

[Anonymous]

Decide if you can live with him just as he is, assuming that his health today is the best it will ever be. Can you be happy like that? Are you ok with marrying someone who might not live to old age, and who might have a lot of health problems along the way? If you can say yes, then marry him.

[Anonymous]

^^and it's perfectly ok to say yes-- or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a little-known secret:

Significant, long-term, non-surgical weight loss is so rare it is essentially a myth. Here's the stats on the diet rate highest by U.S. News: http://health.usnews.com/best-diet/dash-diet. Those in the most successful diet lost an average of 19 pounds. If you weigh over 300 lbs and lose 50, you may still qualify as obese. Obesity changes your body and there is some research to suggest that obesity is a symptom of underlying health issues that will always cause your body to both proccess and crave food differently that people who are a normal weight. The only way to lose more than a modest amount and keep it off long term is either surgery accompanied by significant lifestyle changes or essentially an eating disorder.

You are correct, it is not the norm. But, it is not a myth. I went from 280 to 185 25 years ago and have stayed within 10 to 15% of that weight over that time.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it aggravates you now as it appears to, it will get worse. Reconsider your commitment with a realistic eye toward what will happen, and you laid out quite a few, in the future.

[Anonymous]

So, is he in denial?

What exactly does he say when you told him your concerns?

He's probably the perfect gentleman bc nobody will take him for how he is until you came along...ex wife- was he obese in that relationship too?