How to handle ex's sudden interest in the kids

[Anonymous]

Backstory - when we divorced we both agreed that the kids would be best served being raised full time by me with weekend visitation for him. The divorce was amicable in that I didn't pursue alimony, the house or any of his retirement and he wouldn't pursue custody. He has always come for his visitation, but never showed up to any school related events, not even kindergarten graduations, etc, never called between his weeks of visitation. Then he met a woman and suddenly decided he needed more time and should be involved in EVERYTHING.

Part of me thinks I should just let him play 'good dad' and let him pretend he has always tried to be involved, but the other part of me is furious and irritated that he and his girlfriend are showing up to children's class parties, parent teacher conferences, etc. I have been the one raising the kids as a single mother, while building a business that supports them when he bails on paying child support, I've been handling school and all of their activities, I've been maintaining their relationship with his family, etc. I should mention that ex and his gf took a 'break' for a few months and he immediately reverted to his old ways.

He is now threatening to pursue shared custody (his response to my refusal to give him the kids deductions and he's tired of 'paying for my life'...) and tells the kids I keep them from him, that I took them away from him, that he just misses them so much. They fall for it hook line and sinker, despite the fact that his gf is the one who takes them out for activities and shopping, feeds them, does their laundry, etc.

Would you just suck it up and encourage him to play good dad?

[Anonymous]

Is he going to marry this woman? If so, I would consider letting it play out. They might be better off overall if she is able to make him be a good dad permanently. But if they are not serious, then don't bother. Ultimately, the kids will reach an age where they catch on to what's really happening, it's only a matter of time.

The first thing I would do is start calling him every time the kids are sick or need to miss school for any reason, and asking him to take care of it. Don't call the girlfriend, call him, and keep calling. He needs a taste of what truly shared custody would be like.

[Anonymous]

Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

[Anonymous]

It isn't good for the kids if he jumps in and out of their lives depending on who he is dating. And if you agree to a sharing agreement and reduction in child support, it will be hard to get it reversed when he doesn't hold up his end of the deal. Don't do it.

I love the idea about making him take half the sick days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

+ 1million. If he wants to be a Father, you let him. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

+ 1million. If he wants to be a Father, you let him. Period.

But what if he's just trying to reduce his child support payment and has no intention of actually being a good father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

+ 1million. If he wants to be a Father, you let him. Period.

But what if he's just trying to reduce his child support payment and has no intention of actually being a good father?

NP: Or, what if this is all about wanting to look good for his girlfriend. He steps up, but when the girlfriend leaves or decides it's not super fun having stepkids around, he abandons his kids again. It's a tough situation. If he was committed to being more involved with the kids that would be great for them. But, he could just be setting them up for a new disappointment. Would he be open to meeting with a family therapist with you? Maybe you could make a shared plan for a slow increase in his time.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I am reading each response, thank you for providing input. I should add, I've remarried and have another child, and part of the consideration is that I really want all of them to have as much time together as possible. The threats to pursue custody came about directly after I declined his request that I forgive the massive amount of back child support he owes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I am reading each response, thank you for providing input. I should add, I've remarried and have another child, and part of the consideration is that I really want all of them to have as much time together as possible. The threats to pursue custody came about directly after I declined his request that I forgive the massive amount of back child support he owes.

Ugh, this is me too. My ex now that I'm taking him to court over back child support has gotten to threats. A judge will see right through it, but document everything!!!

[Anonymous]

Or if he has more kids with the girlfriend, she may decide that making him spend time with her stepkids is not a priority. It sounds like she wants to play Mommy And Daddy with him.

[Anonymous]

That child support is important so fight for it! Your ExH will try to wear you down so be ready. Camps and child care are crazy expensive.

[Anonymous]

She's trying to impress him and get him to propose by showing him what a great stepmother she will be. As soon as she gets the ring and/or a kid of her own, she will lose interest in your kids. I know from experience.

Do not let him off the hook for the bank child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's trying to impress him and get him to propose by showing him what a great stepmother she will be. As soon as she gets the ring and/or a kid of her own, she will lose interest in your kids. I know from experience.

Do not let him off the hook for the bank child support.

This, exactly!

Make it crystal clear to him AND HER what joint custody would involve. All the family visits, all the illnesses and appointments, all the schlepping around. He won't want it.

[Anonymous]

Does she know about his back child support? She's probably young and dumb and believing whatever he tells her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is not about you and how you feel. If he wants to be a dad, for whatever reason, let him. It is good for the kids and it doesn't sound like he is abusive or horrible so why not? This woman has zero to do with anything. Does not matter if they marry or not. You and him had these children

+ 1million. If he wants to be a Father, you let him. Period.

But what if he's just trying to reduce his child support payment and has no intention of actually being a good father?

But what if he actually wants to be a good Father?