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Hi there, I am in exactly the same boat as you! However, I have been married for about seven years and am 31 years old. Like you, I *assumed* I would have children at some point (by now), but many opportunities have come and gone (health issues etc), with the ultimate answer being 'no, for now'. I totally understand the outside pressure from family/society etc, but the fact is that some people are not meant to have children, in the same way that some are not meant for marriage. It might be helpful to really examine your motives or talk with a counselor to ensure you are making the right choice, though.
I don't know where you stand with God or religion, and if that impacts the some of the pressure you are feeling at all, but for me, the biggest struggle has been understanding if I am going against my faith in some way if I do not bring children of my own into this world. "Be fruitful and multiply," is a verse often used as a command from God to have children in the Church. However, this is by no means an instruction to individual couples, but rather, to the population as a whole, so the human species doesn't die off. I do believe children are regarded as blessings, however I have come to the conclusion that there is no command for a woman to have children from a biblical perspective. That has been a very freeing revelation to me and I wanted to pass that along to you in case you wondered the same thing.
Simply put, motherhood is a gift. Some women have it, and some do not. I believe God can always change hearts and minds, but that is His business and no one else's.
I don't know where you stand with God or religion, and if that impacts the some of the pressure you are feeling at all, but for me, the biggest struggle has been understanding if I am going against my faith in some way if I do not bring children of my own into this world. "Be fruitful and multiply," is a verse often used as a command from God to have children in the Church. However, this is by no means an instruction to individual couples, but rather, to the population as a whole, so the human species doesn't die off. I do believe children are regarded as blessings, however I have come to the conclusion that there is no command for a woman to have children from a biblical perspective. That has been a very freeing revelation to me and I wanted to pass that along to you in case you wondered the same thing.
Simply put, motherhood is a gift. Some women have it, and some do not. I believe God can always change hearts and minds, but that is His business and no one else's.
Irregular work hours can put a strain on any marriage! My husband is active duty military and in the ten years we have been together, has never had a set schedule. As his responsibilities have increased, the more erratic his schedule has become. Currently, he operates on two different schedules. Sometimes he will work from 7:30am-4pm, then the next day he will work 12pm-2am, and then next 3pm-11pm.
I have found that we have had to be very intentional in making time for one another when he is home. Regular date nights, and even delaying holiday celebrations by hours or days, because it means we can celebrate together have helped keep us closer. Also, making intentional time for God and my faith has helped me tremendously in keeping the proper perspective on life and an outlet to receive encouragement through life's challenges. One last thing that I have learned is that building a solid marriage can mean refraining from activities that keep me away from home when my husband is there. Volunteer responsibilities, committees or a class that meets each week may tempt me, but guarding my time with my husband requires that I say no often.
I hope you and your husband can find a way to connect despite the arduous work schedule! Hang in there! Praying for you.
I have found that we have had to be very intentional in making time for one another when he is home. Regular date nights, and even delaying holiday celebrations by hours or days, because it means we can celebrate together have helped keep us closer. Also, making intentional time for God and my faith has helped me tremendously in keeping the proper perspective on life and an outlet to receive encouragement through life's challenges. One last thing that I have learned is that building a solid marriage can mean refraining from activities that keep me away from home when my husband is there. Volunteer responsibilities, committees or a class that meets each week may tempt me, but guarding my time with my husband requires that I say no often.
I hope you and your husband can find a way to connect despite the arduous work schedule! Hang in there! Praying for you.
Hi there, Sorry to hear you are feeling isolated and hurt by those around you. I think we can all relate to these types of feelings at some point. Unfortunately, people sometimes say and do things that are careless, blunt, insensitive or even mean-spirited. While we can't control the intentions or behavior of others, we can determine how we will act. We can choose to not be offended. It can be so hard to overlook certain 'annoyances'.
I have found in myself that if I am becoming offended more often than normal it's usually because I have become too preoccupied with myself: "No one liked my ideas." "She was curt with me." "They hardly talked to me." "He didn't even thank me." "No one ever asked for my opinion." "Nobody paid any attention to me." It can get pretty ridiculous if I let the self-loathing go too long. I would encourage you in those moments you're feeling frustrated with those around you to look for the good qualities they have and focus on that. Shedding unfair expectations of others and assuming good motives has helped me overcome my sensitivity to a degree as well.
As a military girlfriend/wife of over ten years, I feel like I am in a constant state of meeting new people. This has definitely opened the floor to being hypersensitive in the process of getting to know people from all over the country and world from different backgrounds. I hope what I've said will encourage you. Praying for you. Hang in there!
I have found in myself that if I am becoming offended more often than normal it's usually because I have become too preoccupied with myself: "No one liked my ideas." "She was curt with me." "They hardly talked to me." "He didn't even thank me." "No one ever asked for my opinion." "Nobody paid any attention to me." It can get pretty ridiculous if I let the self-loathing go too long. I would encourage you in those moments you're feeling frustrated with those around you to look for the good qualities they have and focus on that. Shedding unfair expectations of others and assuming good motives has helped me overcome my sensitivity to a degree as well.
As a military girlfriend/wife of over ten years, I feel like I am in a constant state of meeting new people. This has definitely opened the floor to being hypersensitive in the process of getting to know people from all over the country and world from different backgrounds. I hope what I've said will encourage you. Praying for you. Hang in there!
Hi there, I think it's lovely that you have so much empathy for your friend. When we go through difficulties with others, it seems like it binds us to one another in a special kind of way. I would encourage you to refrain from reaching out if it has caused tension and poses a risk to your friend and his wife's marriage and/or to yours. Not too sound preachy, but if I were you, I would just pray for him and his family and let that be enough. It is too hard to say what your presence during an already very difficult time might do to further exacerbate their situation. Consider outside counsel if you are feeling the need to examine the toll your illness took on you. Hang in there!
Hi there, I think I would feel very similar to you if I found myself in the same situation. Marriages definitely go through seasons. Have you considered sitting your DH down and having a respectful and loving conversation with him, expressing yourself in the way you have here? It is possible that if he knew how his actions were affecting you (making you feeling unattractive, unintelligent and bored) that he would make more of an effort. I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling, even if you go on your own at first, if he is still resistant to your appeal. Hang in there. Marriage is worth fighting for, especially when children are involved! Praying for you!
I am so sorry for what you are going through! You are definitely not alone in this situation! Please consider reaching out for help immediately! I believe you were created to have emotional freedom, inner peace, and strong self-esteem. There may still hope that your marriage can be restored with the right help and a commitment from both of you to put the work in! If you are interested, an organization that has helped me in the past offers free one-time consultations as well as referrals for licensed counselors in your area. 1-800-A-Family is the number. Praying for you!
Hi there, I can definitely see how living with someone with such high expectations for those around them, can be frustrating and defeating. From what you've said, it sounds like you do more than enough in being a fruitful and productive mother and wife!
I think many of us have leanings toward being a perfectionist in certain areas. It is always a good thing to identify these areas and figure out the root cause. For myself, certain perfectionist tendencies have stemmed from insecurity. Consider going a little deeper with him to find out what is driving his thinking? Fear of failure? Of loss or embarrassment? Reputation? Pride? I think it is very perceptive of you to see that he was raised in a similar manner. I wonder if you asked him how being a child under hard-charging parent(s) made him feel growing up would go? Maybe appealing to him to understand how his 'soft-demands' make you feel weary and sub-par would yield a productive conversation. Hopefully once he understands how demeaning he comes across, he will reevaluate his approach.
I encourage you to continue in counseling to maintain a balanced outlook on all of this. Hang in there. Praying for you and your family!
I think many of us have leanings toward being a perfectionist in certain areas. It is always a good thing to identify these areas and figure out the root cause. For myself, certain perfectionist tendencies have stemmed from insecurity. Consider going a little deeper with him to find out what is driving his thinking? Fear of failure? Of loss or embarrassment? Reputation? Pride? I think it is very perceptive of you to see that he was raised in a similar manner. I wonder if you asked him how being a child under hard-charging parent(s) made him feel growing up would go? Maybe appealing to him to understand how his 'soft-demands' make you feel weary and sub-par would yield a productive conversation. Hopefully once he understands how demeaning he comes across, he will reevaluate his approach.
I encourage you to continue in counseling to maintain a balanced outlook on all of this. Hang in there. Praying for you and your family!
Hi there, Sorry to hear about the marriage issues you are having. I am sure it is very difficult for any marriage that has endured an affair to recover to a place of full healing and restoration. I certainly believe this is possible with a lot of work and prayer.
Have you considered asking your DH why is he so angry despite counseling and your communicated intentions of making things right? It could be that he doesn't feel you are working to meet his most important needs. I would encourage you to ask him if you aren't sure. Reassurance might be something that goes a long way also. Setting boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex could help him feel that you are planning on practicing self-control in your relationships from now on.
I believe you can keep your marriage safe from emotional affairs. But it requires open, honest communication and a commitment to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage your No. 1 relationship.
Praying for you.
Have you considered asking your DH why is he so angry despite counseling and your communicated intentions of making things right? It could be that he doesn't feel you are working to meet his most important needs. I would encourage you to ask him if you aren't sure. Reassurance might be something that goes a long way also. Setting boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex could help him feel that you are planning on practicing self-control in your relationships from now on.
I believe you can keep your marriage safe from emotional affairs. But it requires open, honest communication and a commitment to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage your No. 1 relationship.
Praying for you.
It can be a challenging adjustment for a lot of marriages after welcoming a new baby into the world. Hang in there! If you call 1-800-A-Family, you will receive a one-time complimentary consultation over the phone and recommendations to counselors in your area if you would rather receive help locally. Prayers to you!
Hi there,
Every marriage will endure some dry spells. It is great that you have been trying to work on communicating on a deeper level etc. Growing in empathy and seeking to meet each other's needs is absolutely crucial in preventing a marital collapse at some point. I'm not sure if you've already shared your feelings with him but I think sharing your vulnerability by communicating in a respectful way that your sexual relationship is disappointing to you could prove to benefit your communication and relationship.
I really believe a couple can build a satisfying sexual relationship, getting to know each other so well, growing in such intimacy, that the thought of an affair holds little appeal. Satisfying sex isn't just about you and your spouse. It is about affair-proofing your relationship and bringing honor to the commitment you made to one another to forsake all others and hang in there during rough or "passionless" patches.
I have been married 7 years, without children, and I do not see my commitment to my husband during trials as any less significant than those with children. The commitment I made to him has become more about what I pledged before God than it is my husband. That perspective has helped me through tough times and I hope it helps you too.
Marriage is worth fighting for! Hang in there and consider marriage counseling before giving up!!
Every marriage will endure some dry spells. It is great that you have been trying to work on communicating on a deeper level etc. Growing in empathy and seeking to meet each other's needs is absolutely crucial in preventing a marital collapse at some point. I'm not sure if you've already shared your feelings with him but I think sharing your vulnerability by communicating in a respectful way that your sexual relationship is disappointing to you could prove to benefit your communication and relationship.
I really believe a couple can build a satisfying sexual relationship, getting to know each other so well, growing in such intimacy, that the thought of an affair holds little appeal. Satisfying sex isn't just about you and your spouse. It is about affair-proofing your relationship and bringing honor to the commitment you made to one another to forsake all others and hang in there during rough or "passionless" patches.
I have been married 7 years, without children, and I do not see my commitment to my husband during trials as any less significant than those with children. The commitment I made to him has become more about what I pledged before God than it is my husband. That perspective has helped me through tough times and I hope it helps you too.
Marriage is worth fighting for! Hang in there and consider marriage counseling before giving up!!
Hi there,
It really can be difficult living with someone who doesn't make you feel loved anymore. When unhappy in marriage it can seem there are only two options: stay together and be miserable or get a divorce. Glad you and your husband have decided to hang in there and try to work things out. I definitely believe there is hope to restore the close relationship you once had. There is always that third option to work on it and/or wait it out until one or both spouses have a change in their outlook. There are hundreds of tools focused on ways to build a strong, healthy relationship. There are many good getaway-style marriage conferences, film series and seminars to educate and enhance broken relationships.
Here is the link to a reputable company with that has helped my family during a difficult time (http://bit.ly/1rV2dIP). I hope you receive the help you need to have a happy marriage once again! Praying for you!
It really can be difficult living with someone who doesn't make you feel loved anymore. When unhappy in marriage it can seem there are only two options: stay together and be miserable or get a divorce. Glad you and your husband have decided to hang in there and try to work things out. I definitely believe there is hope to restore the close relationship you once had. There is always that third option to work on it and/or wait it out until one or both spouses have a change in their outlook. There are hundreds of tools focused on ways to build a strong, healthy relationship. There are many good getaway-style marriage conferences, film series and seminars to educate and enhance broken relationships.
Here is the link to a reputable company with that has helped my family during a difficult time (http://bit.ly/1rV2dIP). I hope you receive the help you need to have a happy marriage once again! Praying for you!