How long did it take?
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Anonymous
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Two years ago, I had an emotional affair with a co-worker. It mostly consisted of texting, no touching at all. My husband discovered it by going through my phone.
I immediately quit the job and cut off all contact. Forced my husband months later to please go to counseling with me. To this day he brings it up almost daily. He is still angry and doesn't trust me. I don't go out anymore with friends, my phone has no password on it. I don't know what to do. How long do I keep letting him demean me and talk angry to me? We have only had sex three times in 2 years. I want to stay married but I don't know how long I can let his behavior go like this. We don't talk at all nicely to eachother. Its just anger. |
Anonymous
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Speaking as someone who was cheated on, I have to say that he may never get over it. Some people do get over it and move, but other can never regain the trust for the cheating spouse.
I know that even if I had truly wanted to forgive my ex for cheating and stay married, I couldn't have done it. I would have made him pay for it for the rest of his life. I'm not proud of that fact, but I would never, ever be able to trust him again. You have done everything reasonable to try to show him that you have changed and are being very clear about your openness. At some point, you have to decide whether it is healthy for either of you to stay in the relationship. I don't condone cheating, but you shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of your life. I'd suggest moving on. I think you will both be happier in the long run. |
Anonymous
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If he is doing all of this over an emotional affair, how would he have coped if you had an actual physical one?
Why do you want to stay married, is it because you have kids? It doesn't sound like the two of you have had a good or functional relationship in a long time. |
Anonymous
| The burden of moving past is both of yours. Unfortunately he didn't ask to be in this position and resentment for being in it may preclude him from being able to do the work necessary for it. In rebuilding, you must act trustworthy (as you say you are) but he also has to be trusting. If therapy didn't help that become clear for him, the marriage may not survive. |
Anonymous
| Well... you cheated. He gets to bring it up from now on. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. |
Anonymous
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Did you go to individual counseling?
Why did you cheat? Do you have children? |
Anonymous
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Op Here. I was in individual counseling for a few months prior to begging him to go to counseling with me. We went 5 times and the counselor basically told him that he needed to say what he needed from me in order to feel secure and trust me. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what he needed besides me going out with my friends. Which I did. That still didn't help.
We have three kids. They know that "Mom and Dad are going through a tough time" and they have expressed their fears of us getting a divorce. It breaks my heart because I would rather stay in a shitty marriage to make my kids happy if that's what I need to do. I cheated because he's gone 5 months out of the year and we lost connection. It was my fault. I know this. |
Anonymous
| My ex DW cheated on me. Firstly, props to you for wanting to stay and work on your marriage and leaving your job. It's so very hard to trust someone once this has happened. In fact most conventional wisdom is that if you admitted to an emotional affair then it most surely was physical as well. Your situation does not sound sustainable and if you've done the work it is up to your partner to 'stand down'. Hopefully a good counsellor might find a way to facilitate better communication. Unfortunately there is also the possibility that your partners behavior was a contributor to the cheating in the first place. You can leave with the knowledge that you tried your best. Which seems to be way more than I or others like me seem to get when this happens. |
Anonymous
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You have three options:
1. Do nothing and continue the status quo where you are both miserable. 2. Return to counseling and work towards healing. 3. Call it quits and start moving forward separately. The worst (and easiest) of the options is #1. |
Anonymous
Agree. It's not a pleasant way to live. |
Anonymous
So she should never be happy in her marriage? |
Anonymous
Actually a physical affair can be easier to forgive rationalize etc than an emotional one. Few things cut through marital bonds more effectively than hearing your partner say I love you to someone else. |
Anonymous
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Go back into counseling together. It's not a smooth process. People get stuck at times.
He has the right to take as long as he needs to work through his feelings. He may never get over his anger and hurt, and he may never trust you again, no matter how hard he works at it and no matter if you're 100 percent faithful and transparent from now on. Or it may take him a long, long time. That's just the natural consequence of betrayal. If he's using demeaning language towards you, that's not positive for either of you and needs to stop. He can express his feelings without name calling. But maybe he does despise you now. If that's the case, you shouldn't stay together, because that's not something that can be overcome. A counselor can help you two figure that out. Maybe he's creating punishments or tests for you, but that needs to be redirected and focused into something more positive. It takes time and the passing of multiple tests to earn back someone's trust and to allow healing to happen. You don't get to set the deadline on that. It's just like you don't get to tell people when they have to stop grieving and feeling the effects of the death of their loved one. You basically killed whatever you had together, killed the trusting part of him, and even as he works to try to move on and rebuild from scratch with you, he still will feel this terrible loss. Some people know right away that they can't move past a betrayal, and some try and stay together and see if it's possible for them, especially when they have kids to think about and when they do still love each other. For now, you're choosing to stay together and see how it goes, which means you both need to work on things. No guarantees. But see a counselor to help you both figure out how to get through it. |
Anonymous
| I would just leave. Separated parents are better than both parents modeling shitty behavior for their kids. |
Anonymous
He will never trust you again because you can't be trusted. You never fully committed to individual counseling to find out why you choose to cheat when faced with adversity in your marriage. A few months is not a long time. I cheated because he is gone part of the year... NO! You cheated because you deal with adversity by cheating. Why? Until you figure out why you cheated and put things in place to stop cheating as a way to deal with your own issues he should never trust you. Get a new therapist.... the one you had sucked. They would not let you get away with "I cheat because my H has to travel for work". |