Stepmoms: were you the AP who broke up the marriage?

[Anonymous]

If you are a stepmom but originally you were the AP, what’s the relationship like with the kids now? Do they know?

[Anonymous]

My husband ex had the affair and had the AP. He never ever cheated.

[Anonymous]

I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

I'm sorry. How old were you at the time of divorce? I am sadly on the cusp of divorce because my spouse won't end the affair and plans to marry the AP. I'm concerned for the kids. Oldest is 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

I'm sorry. How old were you at the time of divorce? I am sadly on the cusp of divorce because my spouse won't end the affair and plans to marry the AP. I'm concerned for the kids. Oldest is 8.

16 for the divorce but the affair started when I was 12. You cannot stop an angry and suspicious teenager from snooping, unfortunately. There were just too many coincidences of them being in the same place at the same time and I got suspicious and started checking up on them, driving by his house unexpectedly and seeing my mom's car, etc. They were really sloppy. Then I confronted him coming out of my mom's house shortly after the divorce and he was man enough not to lie to my face.

If you can get divorced before your children are old enough to catch on, you may be able to bury it in the past. But really think about whether it's better for them to hear the truth, rather than just sensing the weirdness. I would rather have just one lying parent, not two, personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

I'm sorry. How old were you at the time of divorce? I am sadly on the cusp of divorce because my spouse won't end the affair and plans to marry the AP. I'm concerned for the kids. Oldest is 8.

16 for the divorce but the affair started when I was 12. You cannot stop an angry and suspicious teenager from snooping, unfortunately. There were just too many coincidences of them being in the same place at the same time and I got suspicious and started checking up on them, driving by his house unexpectedly and seeing my mom's car, etc. They were really sloppy. Then I confronted him coming out of my mom's house shortly after the divorce and he was man enough not to lie to my face.

If you can get divorced before your children are old enough to catch on, you may be able to bury it in the past. But really think about whether it's better for them to hear the truth, rather than just sensing the weirdness. I would rather have just one lying parent, not two, personally.

Well I am the betrayed spouse and don't exactly intend to lie. The AP is someone my kids know and my spouse intends to start living with this person even before our divorce is finalized so I think at least the 8 year old will be able to put two and two together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

I'm sorry. How old were you at the time of divorce? I am sadly on the cusp of divorce because my spouse won't end the affair and plans to marry the AP. I'm concerned for the kids. Oldest is 8.

16 for the divorce but the affair started when I was 12. You cannot stop an angry and suspicious teenager from snooping, unfortunately. There were just too many coincidences of them being in the same place at the same time and I got suspicious and started checking up on them, driving by his house unexpectedly and seeing my mom's car, etc. They were really sloppy. Then I confronted him coming out of my mom's house shortly after the divorce and he was man enough not to lie to my face.

If you can get divorced before your children are old enough to catch on, you may be able to bury it in the past. But really think about whether it's better for them to hear the truth, rather than just sensing the weirdness. I would rather have just one lying parent, not two, personally.

Well I am the betrayed spouse and don't exactly intend to lie. The AP is someone my kids know and my spouse intends to start living with this person even before our divorce is finalized so I think at least the 8 year old will be able to put two and two together.

My DH's situation was similar but it was his ex-wife who was the cheater. She began an affair with a maintenance guy who had done work at the home. It was a convenient excuse to have the guy come around frequently. My DH got an "anonymous" call from someone telling him his wife was cheating with this guy. He asked, she denied, and when he said he didn't want the guy around the house anymore she ignored him.

Not long after that she handed him divorce papers and asked him to move out of the family home. As soon as he did, the AP moved in. Kids were well aware the whole time. Ex told kids that the AP made her happy and that all their lives were better without DH in their lives. They were impressionable enough to believe it. My DH has virtually no relationship with his (now adult) kids but they are close to mom and her AP/now husband.

[Anonymous]

^Wanted to add that in cases where the mom/woman is the cheater it rarely seems to backfire and kids are more accepting of it.

When it is the father/husband, then he is usually excoriated and alienated from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Wanted to add that in cases where the mom/woman is the cheater it rarely seems to backfire and kids are more accepting of it.

When it is the father/husband, then he is usually excoriated and alienated from the kids.

That's so interesting. I'm a step-mom who got involved with my husband after his marriage ended after his ex cheated. Every other step-mother I've met is involved with a man whose marriage ended after the ex-wife cheated. It's so much more common, and accepted, than people think. DCUM in particular always assumes that a divorced dad was a cheater.

For some reason, it's assumed that a wife cheats because she doesn't have a good spouse, but if a man cheats, the wife is a victim.

[Anonymous]

A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

Does the same apply to the cheating wives?

[Anonymous]

It applies to all cheaters that break up a marriage and pretend that they didn’t or “got together after” a divorce. They would never come clean and tell the child. I’m convinced they believe they didn’t break up the marriage.

[Anonymous]

A good parent would do everything she could to smooth over the transition. Even if she was cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know any women who married their AP after divorcing. The guys always dump them once the marriage is over. My takeaway is that there are more women sleeping with married people because they think they love them and hope to have a future with hem than there are men that do this. I think there are more men who do it precisely because they think it won’t have a future!