Stepmoms: were you the AP who broke up the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

Sde a vow before God and are as despicable as a heterosexual couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

Regardless of gender, I think the part where you're trying to convince her to save what you have - any hint at reluctance or lack of investment is the death knell. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

Um no? Anyone who commits adultery which results in divorce is a homewrecker.

Nope - only the person in the marriage who chose to break his/her vows and "wreck" that house.

Let’s compromise and say both are home wreckers.

Let's not, based on it not actually being correct. Cool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any women who married their AP after divorcing. The guys always dump them once the marriage is over. My takeaway is that there are more women sleeping with married people because they think they love them and hope to have a future with hem than there are men that do this. I think there are more men who do it precisely because they think it won’t have a future!

My aunt’s husband left her for a married woman while she was pregnant with their first child. The homewreckers decamped to the woman’s native county and have been married for 40 years with 5 kids. The sperm donor never laid eyes on my cousin or paid a dime of support.

[Anonymous]

An affair partner who knowingly enters a relationship with a married person is a homewrecker. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband ex had the affair and had the AP. He never ever cheated.

Same. She cheated while he was deployed. They were divorced 13 years before I met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An affair partner who knowingly enters a relationship with a married person is a homewrecker. Period.

But there must have been other issues with the marriage before she even entered the relationship.
I know one couple. They are happy, still together.
He was married with kids, left that to be with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a stepmom but originally you were the AP, what’s the relationship like with the kids now? Do they know?

Nope. My husband divorced in 2002 and I met him in 2004. But the kids' mother TELLS the kids I'm the reason for the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

I'm sorry. How old were you at the time of divorce? I am sadly on the cusp of divorce because my spouse won't end the affair and plans to marry the AP. I'm concerned for the kids. Oldest is 8.

16 for the divorce but the affair started when I was 12. You cannot stop an angry and suspicious teenager from snooping, unfortunately. There were just too many coincidences of them being in the same place at the same time and I got suspicious and started checking up on them, driving by his house unexpectedly and seeing my mom's car, etc. They were really sloppy. Then I confronted him coming out of my mom's house shortly after the divorce and he was man enough not to lie to my face.

If you can get divorced before your children are old enough to catch on, you may be able to bury it in the past. But really think about whether it's better for them to hear the truth, rather than just sensing the weirdness. I would rather have just one lying parent, not two, personally.

Well I am the betrayed spouse and don't exactly intend to lie. The AP is someone my kids know and my spouse intends to start living with this person even before our divorce is finalized so I think at least the 8 year old will be able to put two and two together.

My DH's situation was similar but it was his ex-wife who was the cheater. She began an affair with a maintenance guy who had done work at the home. It was a convenient excuse to have the guy come around frequently. My DH got an "anonymous" call from someone telling him his wife was cheating with this guy. He asked, she denied, and when he said he didn't want the guy around the house anymore she ignored him.

Not long after that she handed him divorce papers and asked him to move out of the family home. As soon as he did, the AP moved in. Kids were well aware the whole time. Ex told kids that the AP made her happy and that all their lives were better without DH in their lives. They were impressionable enough to believe it. My DH has virtually no relationship with his (now adult) kids but they are close to mom and her AP/now husband.

I'm really sorry about your husband and his kids. I'm a step mom to adult kids, and my husband's ex wife (really it was his ex parents in law) engaged in a lot of parental alienation, and it was tough going in the teen years. When child support ended, he agreed to pay half of college, but in order to get the money, the kids had to come over to visit for a couple of hours each month. Sounds horrible, I know. But it worked. They begrudgingly visited for a few years, and after college, they started coming over on their own. Not for money any longer, but because they were able to build a bit of a relationship. It's not the closest of relationships, but he does have an amicable relationship with them. I am hopeful they will grow closer as the kids mature a bit and experience the complexities of real life.

[Anonymous]

PP, it IS horrible for your husband to withhold paying for the education of the children he fathered and to try to control them and his ex wife with the money for it, which is sounds like he can far better afford than she. That is not parental alienation. It sounds like an accurate description of reality. Don’t expect much of a relationship with the grandchildren. If he is not paying for these kids therapy 100% he is a total sh*theel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it IS horrible for your husband to withhold paying for the education of the children he fathered and to try to control them and his ex wife with the money for it, which is sounds like he can far better afford than she. That is not parental alienation. It sounds like an accurate description of reality. Don’t expect much of a relationship with the grandchildren. If he is not paying for these kids therapy 100% he is a total sh*theel.

Asking for minimal contact for paying for college is not unreasonable. Why should he pay for therapy? You cannot fix alienation. The mother is the sh#theel for treating him as she did. My husband told the kids if he helped with college he wanted to see all the applications, paperwork, including costs, copies of the report cards and twice a month phone calls. They were very secretive and got a full ride so they wanted him to send money/cash to their mom and wouldn't provide what the money was for. No parent pays for college with zero expectations. We will not pay for our kids college if there is no relationship or bad grades. Our kids are preteens and they know this. It goes for activities and any extra's as well. You don't reward bad behavior. If they want to be adults, let them get a job and pay for their own college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a stepmom but originally you were the AP, what’s the relationship like with the kids now? Do they know?

Nope. My husband divorced in 2002 and I met him in 2004. But the kids' mother TELLS the kids I'm the reason for the divorce.

My husband's ex too but we met 6 years post divorce. She had the affair, moved in with him (taking the kids cross country) and is still with him unmarried. She tells them all kinds of made up stuff and minimizes that she cheated. She even makes claims of abuse but cannot provide any evidence and I have yet to see any in the 15 years we've been married. She and her AP destroyed two marriages and hurt multiple kids in the process. AP would't pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a stepmom but originally you were the AP, what’s the relationship like with the kids now? Do they know?

Nope. My husband divorced in 2002 and I met him in 2004. But the kids' mother TELLS the kids I'm the reason for the divorce.

My husband's ex too but we met 6 years post divorce. She had the affair, moved in with him (taking the kids cross country) and is still with him unmarried. She tells them all kinds of made up stuff and minimizes that she cheated. She even makes claims of abuse but cannot provide any evidence and I have yet to see any in the 15 years we've been married. She and her AP destroyed two marriages and hurt multiple kids in the process. AP would't pay child support.

Same. I think this is common. I’ve been married for 21 years. DH’s ex is still bitter. She insists I caused the divorce. The kids are adults and know better. It was frustrating when they were little. I don’t care anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, it IS horrible for your husband to withhold paying for the education of the children he fathered and to try to control them and his ex wife with the money for it, which is sounds like he can far better afford than she. That is not parental alienation. It sounds like an accurate description of reality. Don’t expect much of a relationship with the grandchildren. If he is not paying for these kids therapy 100% he is a total sh*theel.

Asking for minimal contact for paying for college is not unreasonable. Why should he pay for therapy? You cannot fix alienation. The mother is the sh#theel for treating him as she did. My husband told the kids if he helped with college he wanted to see all the applications, paperwork, including costs, copies of the report cards and twice a month phone calls. They were very secretive and got a full ride so they wanted him to send money/cash to their mom and wouldn't provide what the money was for. No parent pays for college with zero expectations. We will not pay for our kids college if there is no relationship or bad grades. Our kids are preteens and they know this. It goes for activities and any extra's as well. You don't reward bad behavior. If they want to be adults, let them get a job and pay for their own college.

Sounds like you deserve each other. My parents paid 100% and never saw a single application or report card. And I graduated with top honors. I’m a doctor now. Your husband is a controlling asshole and his kids were right to avoid him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, it IS horrible for your husband to withhold paying for the education of the children he fathered and to try to control them and his ex wife with the money for it, which is sounds like he can far better afford than she. That is not parental alienation. It sounds like an accurate description of reality. Don’t expect much of a relationship with the grandchildren. If he is not paying for these kids therapy 100% he is a total sh*theel.

Asking for minimal contact for paying for college is not unreasonable. Why should he pay for therapy? You cannot fix alienation. The mother is the sh#theel for treating him as she did. My husband told the kids if he helped with college he wanted to see all the applications, paperwork, including costs, copies of the report cards and twice a month phone calls. They were very secretive and got a full ride so they wanted him to send money/cash to their mom and wouldn't provide what the money was for. No parent pays for college with zero expectations. We will not pay for our kids college if there is no relationship or bad grades. Our kids are preteens and they know this. It goes for activities and any extra's as well. You don't reward bad behavior. If they want to be adults, let them get a job and pay for their own college.

Sounds like you deserve each other. My parents paid 100% and never saw a single application or report card. And I graduated with top honors. I’m a doctor now. Your husband is a controlling asshole and his kids were right to avoid him.

You sound like an entitled brat. We had expectations growing up and followed them. You can raise brats but clearly there is a reason you are divorced. Kids got a full ride. There was nothing to pay.