Stepmoms: were you the AP who broke up the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

No, I responded to the op’s question, that a stepmom/dad who was first the ap, would never come on here to respond. Are you an AP and feel you have no blame in the breakup of a marriage, only the married person is at fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Wanted to add that in cases where the mom/woman is the cheater it rarely seems to backfire and kids are more accepting of it.

When it is the father/husband, then he is usually excoriated and alienated from the kids. [/

It may be because men’s marriage failures are often somewhat more evident to the kids—eg anger issues or just never around. When men complain about their wives it seems like sex or too occupied with the kid’s stuff is the most common complaint and the kids aren’t going to know that or really sympathize with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

Um no? Anyone who commits adultery which results in divorce is a homewrecker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

Um no? Anyone who commits adultery which results in divorce is a homewrecker.

Nope - only the person in the marriage who chose to break his/her vows and "wreck" that house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

No, I responded to the op’s question, that a stepmom/dad who was first the ap, would never come on here to respond. Are you an AP and feel you have no blame in the breakup of a marriage, only the married person is at fault?

I'm happily married - never cheated or been cheated on.

But my DH and I are the ones who made our vows. Not some other 3rd party. Any issues in our marriage and home would be our own making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

Um no? Anyone who commits adultery which results in divorce is a homewrecker.

Nope - only the person in the marriage who chose to break his/her vows and "wreck" that house.

Let’s compromise and say both are home wreckers.

[Anonymous]

NP, I use the term “home wrecker” to refer to the AP outside of the marriage. The married people are “ cheaters”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any women who married their AP after divorcing. The guys always dump them once the marriage is over. My takeaway is that there are more women sleeping with married people because they think they love them and hope to have a future with hem than there are men that do this. I think there are more men who do it precisely because they think it won’t have a future!

My husbands ex left my husband for her AP. He left his wife for her but they never marred. Been together over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid, I know (it's a stepdad in my case), and the relationship isn't good. I found out on my own-- nobody told me.

I'm sorry. How old were you at the time of divorce? I am sadly on the cusp of divorce because my spouse won't end the affair and plans to marry the AP. I'm concerned for the kids. Oldest is 8.

16 for the divorce but the affair started when I was 12. You cannot stop an angry and suspicious teenager from snooping, unfortunately. There were just too many coincidences of them being in the same place at the same time and I got suspicious and started checking up on them, driving by his house unexpectedly and seeing my mom's car, etc. They were really sloppy. Then I confronted him coming out of my mom's house shortly after the divorce and he was man enough not to lie to my face.

If you can get divorced before your children are old enough to catch on, you may be able to bury it in the past. But really think about whether it's better for them to hear the truth, rather than just sensing the weirdness. I would rather have just one lying parent, not two, personally.

Well I am the betrayed spouse and don't exactly intend to lie. The AP is someone my kids know and my spouse intends to start living with this person even before our divorce is finalized so I think at least the 8 year old will be able to put two and two together.

My DH's situation was similar but it was his ex-wife who was the cheater. She began an affair with a maintenance guy who had done work at the home. It was a convenient excuse to have the guy come around frequently. My DH got an "anonymous" call from someone telling him his wife was cheating with this guy. He asked, she denied, and when he said he didn't want the guy around the house anymore she ignored him.

Not long after that she handed him divorce papers and asked him to move out of the family home. As soon as he did, the AP moved in. Kids were well aware the whole time. Ex told kids that the AP made her happy and that all their lives were better without DH in their lives. They were impressionable enough to believe it. My DH has virtually no relationship with his (now adult) kids but they are close to mom and her AP/now husband.

My husband too. He was a child support check. She refused contact and the courts allowed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any women who married their AP after divorcing. The guys always dump them once the marriage is over. My takeaway is that there are more women sleeping with married people because they think they love them and hope to have a future with hem than there are men that do this. I think there are more men who do it precisely because they think it won’t have a future!

Eh.
1. My dad’s first wife was with her AP for a long time although they never married and ultimately broke up.
2. I know two folks who had an affair divorced and married each other. However, the wife was super loaded. I feel like some men don’t want the responsibility of having to potentially support someone but will live high off the hog if the opportunity presents itself. The dude in question is such an unpleasant person that I’m shocked he could even find two women that into him.

[Anonymous]

I’m the kid too. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 5. I have two younger siblings. The other woman was a hotel employee my dad met on a work trip. When my mom found out she gave him a chance to end it and to try to save our family but he wouldn’t do it. She was younger and he was “in love!” He’s still married to the woman and they adopted a couple kids who are in high school now.

My mom was always (and is still, though less so because I’m an adult now) amazing when it came to talking about my father. We knew what happened and learned more as we grew up but no matter, my mom always did her best to encourage us to have a relationship with our dad.

Basically, I’ve realized that my dad is a nice guy - he’s just a big kid and a screw up. I love him but don’t think of him like a parent the way I do my mom. The AP to whom he’s still married is a shit head. I wouldn’t allow her to attend my wedding and yes, I know my dad was 50% of the affair and therefore deserves 50% of the blame. For some reason, it just doesn’t work like that. It’s more complicated.

Op - fwiw, I’m now a happily married mom of 3 myself. When my husband and I went through our own rough patch (no third parties though in our case), my mom was the one who encouraged us to do everything we could to save what we’d built. She’s incredible and I couldn’t imagine life had my dad remained a part of it the whole time. My mom (and myself and my siblings) may not have ended up where we are today and I don’t think any of us would change anything.

So so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs. And btw, if your ex is like my dad, he’ll wake up eventually and realize that he’s missed out on so much of the day to day…he’ll regret it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

[Anonymous]

This is the pp with the really long post.

Op, I don’t think your family composition changes anything. At least it wouldn’t have changed anything for me.

I understand hoping that you can save your family. However, regardless of the fact that I was 5 when my parents split, I remember plenty. Flashes of stuff but more than enough. Specifically, I remember that my mom gave my dad one chance to come back so they could try to prevent us from having to go through what we did. When he didn’t come back, she picked herself up and soldiered on. In doing so she set a really important example for me and my sibs re what’s ok and what’s not. If your wife is not at least willing to TRY, you need to also decide how long you’ll allow this to go. Your kids are watching every move you make. You’re not a doormat and they should never settle for being one themselves nor should your son think it’s ok to disrespect a committed partner the way your wife is disrespecting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

The marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a stepmom but originally you were the AP, what’s the relationship like with the kids now? Do they know?

T about the husband's who choose to have the affair? The person, male or female, on a marriage who chooses to have an affai is tevto blame, not the AP![youtube]