husband came out as non-binary?
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Anonymous
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My husband has started exploring his/their gender identity and I'm having a hard time with it. (I'm not trying to be rude on the pronouns, but he still uses "he" and is still debating "they". Yes, this drives me nuts.)
We've been married for over 10 years, with two young children. I thought we were happy, but the pandemic isolation and remote schooling for two elementary age kids (combined with starting a new job during the pandemic and both working full time with no child care or nearby family) have definitely made the last year challenging. He is seeing an individual therapist for depression, which he only told me several months later-- he hides the depression well behind a stoic demeanor. I'm not sure how the gender identify and depression issues fit together. A little over six months ago, my husband said he was considering identifying as nonbinary. He won't define what this looks like to him-- beyond "accepting" this new identify. I know he has experimented with shaving body hair, nail polish, wigs, makeup, and dresses, although it has been hidden from me and the children. He claims he does not want to medically transition, although I'm not sure if this is a true lack of desire, inability to pass as female (they're very tall and broad), or a reluctance around medical procedures and medication. I'm boringly straight, so my husband exploring "female" presentations is a real turn-off for me and I'm not sure what this means for our marriage going forward. I'm not a big fan, but depending on what this looks like in everyday life I want to work something out. Some days the gender identify seems to be a big deal to him, while others he brushes it off as pandemic boredom leading him to try something new and exciting. We're trying to find a therapist with experience in the area, but are having trouble finding a good fit. My husband is participating with some of the LGBTQ etc. groups at work, but it's full of young hip 20-somethings exploring what label fits them, not married husbands with mortgages. He claims he needs more time to figure this out, but it's been six months of circular conversations and no progress. I fear he truly wants to transition but is hiding it to make me happy. Help? |
Anonymous
| I'm hoping some from DCUM community with experience with this will weigh in. But, in case they don't, my advice would for you to find a counselor to help YOU navigate this and, perhaps, ask to attend a counseling session with your husband. If nothing else, his counselor can help you better understand what your husband is struggling with and how you can help. If your husband is unwilling to do this, well, that's not the act of a partner. Whatever is happening, it's having a huge impact on your relationship that cannot remain unaddressed. Hugs. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. I'm someone who finds a little bit of gender ambiguity attractive, but it's fine and normal that you are not.
The bottom line here is kind of hard, and kind of unfair, but it is true. Your husband has a right to explore his gender identity. You have a right to decide that this is not a relationship that works for you under those circumstances. |
Anonymous
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This is not the right forum for you. There absolutely are good therapists out there who specialize in this. Do not seek answers or advice here -- please.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
This. I'm really sorry, OP |
Anonymous
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Sorry, that is tricky to navigate. Good luck!
Agree with the idea of finding a good therapist to help you navigate. I suggest you ask your husband’s therapist for a recommendation. |
Anonymous
Advice on this topic is as valid as any other (which is not at all but doesn’t stop people from asking). |
Anonymous
| I think the advice for you to find your own therapist is really good. I also agree that this site is not great on gender issues. You may be able to find a facebook group for spouses of people who are questioning or non-binary. |
Anonymous
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Definitely find your own therapist -- you have the right to make choices for your life, just as your spouse has the right to make choices for theirs.
And you don't have to wait for your spouse to figure out their life before you make your own choices. Sending strength. This is a tough one. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the PP’s. This is not just for him to figure out, but for you as well. It’s okay for you to support him, but not feel attracted to him and not want to stay together. That’s okay and completely understandable.
You are separate from him. Find your own therapist and decide what is best for you. Best of luck. *I used he/him as OP mentioned they are still being used. |
Anonymous
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I’m shocked at how good these comments are. I’m sure somebody is going to come in and say how terrible OP’s husband is, and then some that will say that OP has vows she needs fo uphold no matter what, but for now, thank you PPs for getting it right.
So yeah, +1 to all these comments. |
Anonymous
+100 I have been in similar situations to you, OP, and this is really good advice. When I was younger, a pretty casual relationship ended because my partner came out as trans and began to transition. Later, a much much more significant relationship (a marriage) ended because my partner wanted to change the ground rules of our relationship from monogamy to non-monogamy. In both cases, I was under a lot of pressure to adapt myself and my own sexuality in order to be more accepting of my partner's identity. It was very important to have an individual therapist to help me articulate that it was not inherently transphobic to be sexually attracted to someone with a specific gender presentation, nor was it inherently prejudiced to prefer monogamy over non-monogamy. My partners had a right to be fully themselves, but so do I, and sometimes both people cannot be fully themselves within the same relationship at the same time. |
Anonymous
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OP, I know this feels hard and insurmountable, but please know - this has nothing to do with you, your gender, or how attractive you are.
That said, I’d probably look to some individual counselling. There is a LGT forum on here, but I don’t think it gets great traffic. Here’s the thing: you want this “solved” and honestly, that’s not likely to occur quickly. Not sure of your age, but chances are your DH has gotten to try on nailpolish, clothing, etc. as a kink, and not as an identity. It takes longer than that to unravel all the teaching of our youth. His needing to unravel is is exactly because he now hasn’t, children, an identity, which is a little more complicated than those 20 year olds. I guess they question is can you love them if they’re not a he? I know it doesn’t feel fair, but if this is honestly what he’s feeling, then you need to come up with your own devious, which you can do. But you need to also evaluate how you will feel if he is now a they, and recognize that your feelings about that partnership are not less valid.m |
Anonymous
| OK let's get real: this sounds like a nightmare. TBH I would get out now. Start planning for it. Figure out the $ and the kids. You really do not have to hang in there for this journey he is about to take. |
Anonymous
+1, skip the therapist and start interviewing divorce lawyers |