husband came out as non-binary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK let's get real: this sounds like a nightmare. TBH I would get out now. Start planning for it. Figure out the $ and the kids. You really do not have to hang in there for this journey he is about to take.

+1, skip the therapist and start interviewing divorce lawyers

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK let's get real: this sounds like a nightmare. TBH I would get out now. Start planning for it. Figure out the $ and the kids. You really do not have to hang in there for this journey he is about to take.

+1, skip the therapist and start interviewing divorce lawyers

+2

OP - you can do both.

[Anonymous]

Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

[Anonymous]

OP- Find your own therapist, but if you need someone to talk to NOW....or in the future (but not as a substitute for therapy)....you can reach out to the Trevor Project. Although you are not their target demographic, they will talk to you and support you.

(I know because I volunteer with them)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has started exploring his/their gender identity and I'm having a hard time with it. (I'm not trying to be rude on the pronouns, but he still uses "he" and is still debating "they". Yes, this drives me nuts.)

We've been married for over 10 years, with two young children. I thought we were happy, but the pandemic isolation and remote schooling for two elementary age kids (combined with starting a new job during the pandemic and both working full time with no child care or nearby family) have definitely made the last year challenging. He is seeing an individual therapist for depression, which he only told me several months later-- he hides the depression well behind a stoic demeanor. I'm not sure how the gender identify and depression issues fit together.

A little over six months ago, my husband said he was considering identifying as nonbinary. He won't define what this looks like to him-- beyond "accepting" this new identify. I know he has experimented with shaving body hair, nail polish, wigs, makeup, and dresses, although it has been hidden from me and the children. He claims he does not want to medically transition, although I'm not sure if this is a true lack of desire, inability to pass as female (they're very tall and broad), or a reluctance around medical procedures and medication.

I'm boringly straight, so my husband exploring "female" presentations is a real turn-off for me and I'm not sure what this means for our marriage going forward. I'm not a big fan, but depending on what this looks like in everyday life I want to work something out. Some days the gender identify seems to be a big deal to him, while others he brushes it off as pandemic boredom leading him to try something new and exciting. We're trying to find a therapist with experience in the area, but are having trouble finding a good fit. My husband is participating with some of the LGBTQ etc. groups at work, but it's full of young hip 20-somethings exploring what label fits them, not married husbands with mortgages. He claims he needs more time to figure this out, but it's been six months of circular conversations and no progress. I fear he truly wants to transition but is hiding it to make me happy. Help?

You know him well. If your guy is telling you this, then it's probably the direction he is going in. If that's not for you, that's ok. If you want to try to make it work, that's ok too. I doubt this situation is due to "pandemic boredom" but rather him being in a place where he is ready to dip his toe in the water. Which could last for a long time before he comes to a final identity/idea of who he is. You should ask yourself how long you are willing to wait to find this out and live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has started exploring his/their gender identity and I'm having a hard time with it. (I'm not trying to be rude on the pronouns, but he still uses "he" and is still debating "they". Yes, this drives me nuts.)

We've been married for over 10 years, with two young children. I thought we were happy, but the pandemic isolation and remote schooling for two elementary age kids (combined with starting a new job during the pandemic and both working full time with no child care or nearby family) have definitely made the last year challenging. He is seeing an individual therapist for depression, which he only told me several months later-- he hides the depression well behind a stoic demeanor. I'm not sure how the gender identify and depression issues fit together.

A little over six months ago, my husband said he was considering identifying as nonbinary. He won't define what this looks like to him-- beyond "accepting" this new identify. I know he has experimented with shaving body hair, nail polish, wigs, makeup, and dresses, although it has been hidden from me and the children. He claims he does not want to medically transition, although I'm not sure if this is a true lack of desire, inability to pass as female (they're very tall and broad), or a reluctance around medical procedures and medication.

I'm boringly straight, so my husband exploring "female" presentations is a real turn-off for me and I'm not sure what this means for our marriage going forward. I'm not a big fan, but depending on what this looks like in everyday life I want to work something out. Some days the gender identify seems to be a big deal to him, while others he brushes it off as pandemic boredom leading him to try something new and exciting. We're trying to find a therapist with experience in the area, but are having trouble finding a good fit. My husband is participating with some of the LGBTQ etc. groups at work, but it's full of young hip 20-somethings exploring what label fits them, not married husbands with mortgages. He claims he needs more time to figure this out, but it's been six months of circular conversations and no progress. I fear he truly wants to transition but is hiding it to make me happy. Help?

You know him well. If your guy is telling you this, then it's probably the direction he is going in. If that's not for you, that's ok. If you want to try to make it work, that's ok too. I doubt this situation is due to "pandemic boredom" but rather him being in a place where he is ready to dip his toe in the water. Which could last for a long time before he comes to a final identity/idea of who he is. You should ask yourself how long you are willing to wait to find this out and live with it.

Sorry *guy = *gut

[Anonymous]

PFlag is another place where you might be able to find resources: https://pflag.org/

[Anonymous]

Also, when he does unravel his feelings on his identity, there is the possibility you need to prepare yourself that he may not want to stay with you in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, when he does unravel his feelings on his identity, there is the possibility you need to prepare yourself that he may not want to stay with you in the long term.

Seriously. He is likely gay. Have you felt like maybe he was from the beginning? Get planning and get out. Don't make it political.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

What comments are you even talking about? The thread deteriorated when the transphobes came. Nobody said OP needs to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

lol, no one shamed OP. You clearly have some issues.

Though I do love it when people give me more evidence for my "women who use 'DH' to refer to their husbands are weirdos" theory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

What comments are you even talking about? The thread deteriorated when the transphobes came. Nobody said OP needs to stay in the marriage.

I'm not shaming OP for anything. I'm shaming DCUM monsters who know nothing, feel no empathy, and get off on other people's misery and problems. This is the last place I'd go for advice with any real problem, and OP has a real problem.

DCUM is not going to be helpful on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

lol, no one shamed OP. You clearly have some issues.

Though I do love it when people give me more evidence for my "women who use 'DH' to refer to their husbands are weirdos" theory.

+2 OP was actually getting really compassionate advice that made it clear that both parties here have the right to be happy and fulfilled.