husband came out as non-binary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has started exploring his/their gender identity and I'm having a hard time with it. (I'm not trying to be rude on the pronouns, but he still uses "he" and is still debating "they". Yes, this drives me nuts.)

We've been married for over 10 years, with two young children. I thought we were happy, but the pandemic isolation and remote schooling for two elementary age kids (combined with starting a new job during the pandemic and both working full time with no child care or nearby family) have definitely made the last year challenging. He is seeing an individual therapist for depression, which he only told me several months later-- he hides the depression well behind a stoic demeanor. I'm not sure how the gender identify and depression issues fit together.

A little over six months ago, my husband said he was considering identifying as nonbinary. He won't define what this looks like to him-- beyond "accepting" this new identify. I know he has experimented with shaving body hair, nail polish, wigs, makeup, and dresses, although it has been hidden from me and the children. He claims he does not want to medically transition, although I'm not sure if this is a true lack of desire, inability to pass as female (they're very tall and broad), or a reluctance around medical procedures and medication.

I'm boringly straight, so my husband exploring "female" presentations is a real turn-off for me and I'm not sure what this means for our marriage going forward. I'm not a big fan, but depending on what this looks like in everyday life I want to work something out. Some days the gender identify seems to be a big deal to him, while others he brushes it off as pandemic boredom leading him to try something new and exciting. We're trying to find a therapist with experience in the area, but are having trouble finding a good fit. My husband is participating with some of the LGBTQ etc. groups at work, but it's full of young hip 20-somethings exploring what label fits them, not married husbands with mortgages. He claims he needs more time to figure this out, but it's been six months of circular conversations and no progress. I fear he truly wants to transition but is hiding it to make me happy. Help?

Oh hell no!

[Anonymous]

He's leaning homosexual and likes crossdressing, is that called non binary now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I'm someone who finds a little bit of gender ambiguity attractive, but it's fine and normal that you are not.

The bottom line here is kind of hard, and kind of unfair, but it is true.

Your husband has a right to explore his gender identity. You have a right to decide that this is not a relationship that works for you under those circumstances.

Actually, if it destroys his family and young children, he has no such “right.” This is selfish and narcissistic

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's leaning homosexual and likes crossdressing, is that called non binary now?

Yes, gender is fluid. listen to the activists, they have excellent worksheets on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's leaning homosexual and likes crossdressing, is that called non binary now?

Well, it used to be that that trans people were believed to somehow have the opposite gender of their body and that this was something they were born with and that their gender identity wasn't a choice, couldn't be changed, and so they had to transition to their correct gender.


Now we have learned that gender is actually a spectrum, not to mention fluid, and that you don't have to be either gender. It is more like ordering sushi al la carte. You can pick what you want on any given day, and then change tomorrow.


People who have been regular old straight people their whole lives can decide at any point that they actually don't have a recognizable gender at all, change their pronouns, start cross dressing and sleeping with dudes some of the time, and this is of course brave and they deserve our complete support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK let's get real: this sounds like a nightmare. TBH I would get out now. Start planning for it. Figure out the $ and the kids. You really do not have to hang in there for this journey he is about to take.

This is how I would feel too. Best wishes OP. I send you random internet hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's leaning homosexual and likes crossdressing, is that called non binary now?

Well, it used to be that that trans people were believed to somehow have the opposite gender of their body and that this was something they were born with and that their gender identity wasn't a choice, couldn't be changed, and so they had to transition to their correct gender.


Now we have learned that gender is actually a spectrum, not to mention fluid, and that you don't have to be either gender. It is more like ordering sushi al la carte. You can pick what you want on any given day, and then change tomorrow.


People who have been regular old straight people their whole lives can decide at any point that they actually don't have a recognizable gender at all, change their pronouns, start cross dressing and sleeping with dudes some of the time, and this is of course brave and they deserve our complete support.

Please tell me this is sarcasm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's leaning homosexual and likes crossdressing, is that called non binary now?

Well, it used to be that that trans people were believed to somehow have the opposite gender of their body and that this was something they were born with and that their gender identity wasn't a choice, couldn't be changed, and so they had to transition to their correct gender.


Now we have learned that gender is actually a spectrum, not to mention fluid, and that you don't have to be either gender. It is more like ordering sushi al la carte. You can pick what you want on any given day, and then change tomorrow.


People who have been regular old straight people their whole lives can decide at any point that they actually don't have a recognizable gender at all, change their pronouns, start cross dressing and sleeping with dudes some of the time, and this is of course brave and they deserve our complete support.

of course, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

Seriously. I can’t imagine a bigger turn off than my manly husband deciding he wants to dress up as a woman. I’m turned on by men, and women, but definitely not men pretending to be women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, when he does unravel his feelings on his identity, there is the possibility you need to prepare yourself that he may not want to stay with you in the long term.

Seriously. He is likely gay. Have you felt like maybe he was from the beginning? Get planning and get out. Don't make it political.

Lots of men who transition prefer to be with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I'm someone who finds a little bit of gender ambiguity attractive, but it's fine and normal that you are not.

The bottom line here is kind of hard, and kind of unfair, but it is true.

Your husband has a right to explore his gender identity. You have a right to decide that this is not a relationship that works for you under those circumstances.

+1. Wishing you luck, Op.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,: Sorry to hear about your situation. You and your family will probably benefit a lot from counselling.

Dear posters making fun of the situation: this is a real thing that happens to people. Please try to be kind. Also, I understand from a woman who went through a similar situation that there's actually a big difference between sexual orientation (straight or gay) and gender identity (male, female, other). I am straight and never doubted by gender identity, and i never used to appreciate the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity, but now I get it, more or less. Maybe you will too.

Obviously OP did not sign up for this. So I have a lot of sympathy for OP. I also have some sympathy for most people in the position of the person OP married, who probably didn't understand what was happening inside their bodies and minds for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, when he does unravel his feelings on his identity, there is the possibility you need to prepare yourself that he may not want to stay with you in the long term.

Seriously. He is likely gay. Have you felt like maybe he was from the beginning? Get planning and get out. Don't make it political.

Lots of men who transition prefer to be with women.

Yup. My friend’s ex transitioned to female two years ago. They were already divorcing for reasons unrelated to the transition. Even now that she is living as a woman, she still exclusively dates women. I have an acquaintance whose partner is trans (M to F) and was actually already in the process of deciding to transition when they met. They are happily married with two bio kids.

[Anonymous]

He’s changed and if you don’t like it, that’s legit.

I’d accept the marriage is over and gradually get my ducks in a row to leave. Life is too short to fake it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, when he does unravel his feelings on his identity, there is the possibility you need to prepare yourself that he may not want to stay with you in the long term.

Seriously. He is likely gay. Have you felt like maybe he was from the beginning? Get planning and get out. Don't make it political.

Lots of men who transition prefer to be with women.

Most people who transition (and maybe they're not the right population to compare to anyway, since being non-binary is not exactly identical) don't change orientation. It's not uncommon at all (something like 30% is the number I've seen cited) though. Either way, there's zero way for anyone here to answer the question of whether he's still interested in women; it's something for honest conversations and therapy and DCUM speculation isn't going to reveal any truths either way.