husband came out as non-binary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

What comments are you even talking about? The thread deteriorated when the transphobes came. Nobody said OP needs to stay in the marriage.

I'm not shaming OP for anything. I'm shaming DCUM monsters who know nothing, feel no empathy, and get off on other people's misery and problems. This is the last place I'd go for advice with any real problem, and OP has a real problem.

DCUM is not going to be helpful on this issue.

I believe you need to read more carefully before you respond. I didn’t say you were shaming anyone. I didn’t say anything about shaming at all.

[Anonymous]

I came out to my wife as non-unary.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I had been married for over ten years when he came out as trans. Assigned female at birth, now identifies exclusively as male. Before I get to my thoughts, if you're local to DC, MCC NOVA has a trans significant others group. I used to go, but stopped with COVID, so I don't know if it's virtually or what these days but I found it VERY helpful. The information is here (https://www.transunity.net/support-groups/) under SO Circle. A lot of the people there are people in exactly your shoes, women with assigned male spouses that are non-binary or at least somehow "mixed" in gender presentation. It's a really helpful group. A lot of what I'm going to tell you comes from sharing experience there. I'll also say it's a place with a lot more older folks; most trans support groups are 20 year olds. There's also a trans SO reddit group (https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans/) which I read a lot when this started. It helped.

Not every marriage where one partner transitions fails, but many do. It's not automatic to go to a divorce lawyer unless you see no way for this to work at all. Our first stop was to a couple's therapist, but eventually we stopped going together and I saw the couple therapist individually. We saw someone through Keith Miller & Associates, who specialize in gay couples therapy but also had people with experience with trans people. The person we saw there was great (Samuel Allen) but he's in Chicago now and maybe only available through Zoom?

You'll also hear a lot of your sense of a lack of progress echoed if you talk to other women in relationships like this. Figuring out a new identity is scary; it's a life changing thing and a lot of people stand at the threshold for a long time before deciding if they want to come in. My husband tried to make it a thing he only did when I wasn't around for a few months, convinced that he'd rather die than tell me (and we took a couple of trips to the psych ward that year because he was suicidal). It's hard. It's frustrating not to know where it's going, but it's not really a process that can be rushed. Set whatever boundaries you need, but his identity is his deal and only he can figure it out.

Sex is almost always the biggest problem. I'm a very conventional straight dude, so yeah, I'm not especially attracted to him as a guy. He also has no interest in men as a man (he identified as bi before), so we don't sleep together anymore. He dates outside our marriage pretty often, I don't, because I'm not as interested, but opening up and having a platonic relationship is what worked for us. Sex was a pretty important part of our relationship before, and now it isn't, and we're doing really well. He's still the love of my life, we have all kinds of non-sexual physical intimacy (cuddling, hugging, etc.), we're a family with kid, just like before. This might not work for everyone, although I know at least a couple other open relationship from the support group, but that's the option we chose.

Anyway, I hope that's helpful a bit. It's hard. There's no roadmap and few people have this experience. For me, the marriage was worth adapting to the change, but it's still a challenge sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

lol, no one shamed OP. You clearly have some issues.

Though I do love it when people give me more evidence for my "women who use 'DH' to refer to their husbands are weirdos" theory.

+2 OP was actually getting really compassionate advice that made it clear that both parties here have the right to be happy and fulfilled.

No doubt. The defining question for OP (and her spouse) is: can they fulfill their right to be happy and fulfilled with each other?

Not sure any dcum “advice” can answer that for them.

Hugs OP - hope you two find peace and can find what you seek in this lifetime.

[Anonymous]

So a genuine question: does non-binary mean that they could become trans or that they remain who they are but may show characteristics of "other" gender? Could they also be gay as well?

I think OP has a lot to think about and has to live through a lot of uncertainty. Definitely get a counselor but also make her own decision somewhat quickly on next steps. I think they will take some time to process their thoughts and this could be stressful for OP unless she makes a decision for herself on the path to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a genuine question: does non-binary mean that they could become trans or that they remain who they are but may show characteristics of "other" gender? Could they also be gay as well?

I think OP has a lot to think about and has to live through a lot of uncertainty. Definitely get a counselor but also make her own decision somewhat quickly on next steps. I think they will take some time to process their thoughts and this could be stressful for OP unless she makes a decision for herself on the path to take.

I think OP has received lots of good advice and empathy here. I think this poster makes a good point. To the extent that OP's spouse wants to dress up, that's one thing. However, if he wants to smooch pickles (keeping it clean) or transition, that's an entirely different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

What comments are you even talking about? The thread deteriorated when the transphobes came. Nobody said OP needs to stay in the marriage.

Nobody has said anything remotely transphobic.

The simple fact is that current political correctness won't allow this topic to be discussed because it stipulates that her husband's choice must be respected at all costs, whether to her, their marriage, to their children, anything.

Normally when someone raises a relationship problem here there is some discussion of finding a middle ground, or some sort of compromise, or discussing whether one member of the relationship is simply being unreasonable, but that isn't allowed in this case.

Here the only acceptable answer is for him to make his decision and for her and their kids to try to find some way to cope with it.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has a right to be happy and fulfilled, but OP has the right to feel betrayed and like this is kind of BS. It is ok to not feel totally supportive of his exciting "new" discovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a genuine question: does non-binary mean that they could become trans or that they remain who they are but may show characteristics of "other" gender? Could they also be gay as well?

I think OP has a lot to think about and has to live through a lot of uncertainty. Definitely get a counselor but also make her own decision somewhat quickly on next steps. I think they will take some time to process their thoughts and this could be stressful for OP unless she makes a decision for herself on the path to take.

I think OP has received lots of good advice and empathy here. I think this poster makes a good point. To the extent that OP's spouse wants to dress up, that's one thing. However, if he wants to smooch pickles (keeping it clean) or transition, that's an entirely different situation.

Trans and gay are not the same thing. In this particular case, it would be helpful for OP if they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

You sure have a hard on for shutting down conversation. Do you do this in every thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

Nobody suggested she stay with him.

Just like finding out you spouse is becoming a Jesus freak/born again. If they change that much get a therapist, get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

What comments are you even talking about? The thread deteriorated when the transphobes came. Nobody said OP needs to stay in the marriage.

Nobody has said anything remotely transphobic.

The simple fact is that current political correctness won't allow this topic to be discussed because it stipulates that her husband's choice must be respected at all costs, whether to her, their marriage, to their children, anything.

Normally when someone raises a relationship problem here there is some discussion of finding a middle ground, or some sort of compromise, or discussing whether one member of the relationship is simply being unreasonable, but that isn't allowed in this case.

Here the only acceptable answer is for him to make his decision and for her and their kids to try to find some way to cope with it.

You can advise divorce without being transphobic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I'm someone who finds a little bit of gender ambiguity attractive, but it's fine and normal that you are not.

The bottom line here is kind of hard, and kind of unfair, but it is true.

Your husband has a right to explore his gender identity. You have a right to decide that this is not a relationship that works for you under those circumstances.

Actually, if it destroys his family and young children, he has no such “right.” This is selfish and narcissistic

[Anonymous]

Look, the answer here is simple: get off of DCUM and find a therapist and support group that focuses specifically on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, the answer here is simple: get off of DCUM and find a therapist and support group that focuses specifically on these issues.

Translation: "People here will say things I don't like but can't come up with an argument against either."