What would you do if you found out your spouse of 25 years had a big secret

[Anonymous]

I just found out my spouse of 25 years has late stage alcoholism. I have truly never seen my spouse drink inappropriately or get drunk- EVER in all this time. From what I had seen, there was low-average drinking going on- 0-3 glasses of wine a week. Come to find out there has been day drinking, night drinking, all in different containers, hidden bottles in the house, in neighbor's trash bins, etc. There was obvious signs of a decline in functioning (unable to maintain employment, neglect of physical appearance, neglect of personal and family responsibility, but never thought the reason was alcohol. I kept suggesting therapy, financial planner, medication for depression etc, but nothing worked.

What would you do in this situation? I feel so betrayed by the amount of deception. I feel the marriage is over. We have one child who is in middle school and I feel terribly about thinking of divorce, but this is not a healthy situation for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Go to Al-Anon. You’re still in the throes of dealing with what you’ve just learned. Don’t make any big decisions just yet.

[Anonymous]

How did you come about this information Did your spouse tell you as part of now seeking treatment?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by “late stage” alcoholism? Has he been diagnosed with liver disease or something?

[Anonymous]

Not a healthy situation but also I am surprised you had no idea. Sure alcoholics are sneaky but it is really hard to believe that you had no idea.

Many of us married to alcoholics were blind to it for a while but once you admit there is a problem (you have to admit it too) then you can make a decision. For us it has been trying to make it through. Lots of inpatient rehab, family counseling, counseling for kids alone, falling off the wagon, trying again, etc. If you are going to stay you have to be committed to it because there is no easy answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my spouse of 25 years has late stage alcoholism. I have truly never seen my spouse drink inappropriately or get drunk- EVER in all this time. From what I had seen, there was low-average drinking going on- 0-3 glasses of wine a week. Come to find out there has been day drinking, night drinking, all in different containers, hidden bottles in the house, in neighbor's trash bins, etc. There was obvious signs of a decline in functioning (unable to maintain employment, neglect of physical appearance, neglect of personal and family responsibility, but never thought the reason was alcohol. I kept suggesting therapy, financial planner, medication for depression etc, but nothing worked.

What would you do in this situation? I feel so betrayed by the amount of deception. I feel the marriage is over. We have one child who is in middle school and I feel terribly about thinking of divorce, but this is not a healthy situation for anyone.

Definitely go to al anon. Spouse needs to go to rehab but you can't make him go....he has to decide to go. It is affecting the child as well so get some resources for DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my spouse of 25 years has late stage alcoholism. I have truly never seen my spouse drink inappropriately or get drunk- EVER in all this time. From what I had seen, there was low-average drinking going on- 0-3 glasses of wine a week. Come to find out there has been day drinking, night drinking, all in different containers, hidden bottles in the house, in neighbor's trash bins, etc. There was obvious signs of a decline in functioning (unable to maintain employment, neglect of physical appearance, neglect of personal and family responsibility, but never thought the reason was alcohol. I kept suggesting therapy, financial planner, medication for depression etc, but nothing worked.

What would you do in this situation? I feel so betrayed by the amount of deception. I feel the marriage is over. We have one child who is in middle school and I feel terribly about thinking of divorce, but this is not a healthy situation for anyone.

...so...you were okay with those things when you thought they were because of...something else? Alcoholism is a disease, as is depression and whatever else you thought was in play. Why would you leave him now, when he needs you the most? 25 years of denial and tacit approval/acceptance of his dysfunction and you gave a young teen together. I recommend therapy for you to sort out how you will handle this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a healthy situation but also I am surprised you had no idea. Sure alcoholics are sneaky but it is really hard to believe that you had no idea.

Many of us married to alcoholics were blind to it for a while but once you admit there is a problem (you have to admit it too) then you can make a decision. For us it has been trying to make it through. Lots of inpatient rehab, family counseling, counseling for kids alone, falling off the wagon, trying again, etc. If you are going to stay you have to be committed to it because there is no easy answer.

Denial is a powerful coping mechanism!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a healthy situation but also I am surprised you had no idea. Sure alcoholics are sneaky but it is really hard to believe that you had no idea.

Many of us married to alcoholics were blind to it for a while but once you admit there is a problem (you have to admit it too) then you can make a decision. For us it has been trying to make it through. Lots of inpatient rehab, family counseling, counseling for kids alone, falling off the wagon, trying again, etc. If you are going to stay you have to be committed to it because there is no easy answer.

I’m reading this as OP was working full time and spouse was a SAH parent for some period of time and dabbled in getting a job as kid got older. Alcohol related issues could be explained as depression, menopause, etc. It really wouldn’t be that hard to hide if spouse worked long hours.

[Anonymous]

OP here: To answer a few questions, I was never "okay" with my spouse's inability to keep a job, complete lack of initiative, neglect of responsibility etc. But if they were the result of something that we were openly communicating about as possibilities together (depression, ADHD,) and seeking treatment for etc, that is very different than one of us having some knowledge of what the real issue was all along, while lying to the other. As for how I didn't know, I would say that for the past year I have had a suspicion. But every time I would bring it up I was told I was crazy, and essentially gaslighted. Prior to this time, even though I would find a few bottles in closets here and there, I honestly never thought anything of it. When you don't see someone drink, and you have never known anyone with alcoholism, are not well-educated on the signs and symptoms of the disease, it's not all that easy to spot. Of course I look back with great regret and guilt and wonder how I never pieced it all together. And now that I am far more educated on the disease, I see how it was there from the very beginning. But even the addiction specialist we are working with has said that my spouse has managed to hide it unbelievably well, better than almost anyone she's worked with- and she has been in this business for 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Op came here for support. Quit being jerks, jerks.

Op - al anon is your friend. This is a lot to work through and you can’t do it on your own. I’ve been in a similar spot though DH’s issue was not booze. When I found out he was (we were) in trouble, I called his doc and asked where to go first. He was very supportive and put us in touch with a shrink who specialized in dual diagnosis. He ended up at an outpatient program - went daily for a few months.

It was so hard to be there for him while he got better but I decided that in our situation it was worth it. Marriage has never been better - but it SUCKED. Al anon. Sending you so much love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a healthy situation but also I am surprised you had no idea. Sure alcoholics are sneaky but it is really hard to believe that you had no idea.

Many of us married to alcoholics were blind to it for a while but once you admit there is a problem (you have to admit it too) then you can make a decision. For us it has been trying to make it through. Lots of inpatient rehab, family counseling, counseling for kids alone, falling off the wagon, trying again, etc. If you are going to stay you have to be committed to it because there is no easy answer.

Denial is a powerful coping mechanism!

I hope karma smacks you in the butt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a healthy situation but also I am surprised you had no idea. Sure alcoholics are sneaky but it is really hard to believe that you had no idea.

Many of us married to alcoholics were blind to it for a while but once you admit there is a problem (you have to admit it too) then you can make a decision. For us it has been trying to make it through. Lots of inpatient rehab, family counseling, counseling for kids alone, falling off the wagon, trying again, etc. If you are going to stay you have to be committed to it because there is no easy answer.

Denial is a powerful coping mechanism!

I hope karma smacks you in the butt.

I wasn't being mean, I am sincerely surprised at how strong denial can be. Honestly. My Mom was a lifelong functional alcoholic. We never saw her drunk. It was only as adults that the 5 of us discussed how we would pull beer and wine bottles from in between couch cushions and behind the sofa and throw them away. We all thought we were the only ones doing it. I guess karma came for me beforehand.

[Anonymous]

How did you become aware of it, OP? Did he come clean? Is he motivated to get help? What’s the current status?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by “late stage” alcoholism? Has he been diagnosed with liver disease or something?

Yes, what do you mean "late stage"?