What would you do if you found out your spouse of 25 years had a big secret

[Anonymous]

“Find a few bottles and closets here and there” - give me a break OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many posters assume that the alcoholic spouse is a man? I also recommend Al Anon for the OP.

Yeah OP never mentions gender. If a SAHM drinks all day while DH at work, how would he know? She brushes her teeth, uses mouthwash (which many have alcohol) or even strong perfume.

The same can be said for a man who works outside the house.

Op, I agree with going to alanon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ever wonder what else you don't know about him at this point? What else has been hidden? What else are you unaware of? He has been in the practice of telling lies and deceiving you for many years.

After 25 years living together, how could you not know everything? 25. Years.

Oh honey. So naive.

It’s harder for those of us that always lived an authentic and transparent life and we’re raised in such a household to believe how good some are at deception or not showing a side they want people to see, even in decades long marriages.

My spouse even fooled very close family members and friends. Shock is an understatement. The ground moved under my feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ever wonder what else you don't know about him at this point? What else has been hidden? What else are you unaware of? He has been in the practice of telling lies and deceiving you for many years.

After 25 years living together, how could you not know everything? 25. Years.

Oh honey. So naive.

It’s harder for those of us that always lived an authentic and transparent life and we’re raised in such a household to believe how good some are at deception or not showing a side they want people to see, even in decades long marriages.

My spouse even fooled very close family members and friends. Shock is an understatement. The ground moved under my feet.

OP, FWIW, I was also so naive. I had never experienced any friend or family member with alcoholism, so I simply didn’t know. I didn’t figure out my DH was drinking until I noticed an empty in the trash and started marking the alcohol bottles and searching our room secretly when he was gone. I also looked at credit card receipts very carefully. But, what sane person does that in a relationship? There were other lies that finally prompted me to get to that point

[Anonymous]

I get it. During my spouse’s midlife crisis he was slipping vodka out of some gallon bottke hidden away in barely see basement freezer and I was none the wiser. It enabled him to cross the line of Internet affair. He had to get drunk before adultery. Mid day out of the house, I was none the wiser. It was only when he knew he really messed up and was looking for a way out that the drinking crossed over to being noticeable. Like Friday night, how is he so f—ing buzzed on the 2 glasses of wine all of us have had. Behavior started changing at that point, but it had been several years before anything seemed different or he acted any different 22 year marriage.

OP this reminds me of that old movie with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia where she played the alcoholic, hiding the bottles. It was a really good movie and sounds a lot like your situation.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP here: My spouse rarely smelled of alcohol, but that is because the drinking would take place after the house went down for the night. By the morning it wasn't so much of an issue. I would find my spouse on the couch, in the guest room etc if I woke up, and I always thought it was bizarre. The reasons I was given were that my spouse couldn't sleep, didn't want to bother me with snoring, finished a movie and was too tired to come to bed etc. My family and I always thought my spouse had odd sleep habits, but it did take time to understand that it was actually an attempt to conceal the drinking when everyone was asleep for the night. There was eventually day drinking (past 6 months in my estimation), but it was in different containers (ie beer in a Starbucks covered cup or water bottle, or non-alcoholic beer in which I was told I was crazy bc "see, I'm not drinking alcohol, I'm drinking alcohol free beer!)

For those of you saying I have been in denial, I disagree. This past year I have suspected it, have been monitoring hiding spots, confronting my spouse about it, etc. A suspicion is different than denial. Once I found irrefutable evidence ( a HUGE and unhealthy quantity of empty containers after I had come home early from a business trip,) it all came together. It was then my spouse admitted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My spouse rarely smelled of alcohol, but that is because the drinking would take place after the house went down for the night. By the morning it wasn't so much of an issue. I would find my spouse on the couch, in the guest room etc if I woke up, and I always thought it was bizarre. The reasons I was given were that my spouse couldn't sleep, didn't want to bother me with snoring, finished a movie and was too tired to come to bed etc. My family and I always thought my spouse had odd sleep habits, but it did take time to understand that it was actually an attempt to conceal the drinking when everyone was asleep for the night. There was eventually day drinking (past 6 months in my estimation), but it was in different containers (ie beer in a Starbucks covered cup or water bottle, or non-alcoholic beer in which I was told I was crazy bc "see, I'm not drinking alcohol, I'm drinking alcohol free beer!)

For those of you saying I have been in denial, I disagree. This past year I have suspected it, have been monitoring hiding spots, confronting my spouse about it, etc. A suspicion is different than denial. Once I found irrefutable evidence ( a HUGE and unhealthy quantity of empty containers after I had come home early from a business trip,) it all came together. It was then my spouse admitted it.

Wow. I'm so sorry, OP. But look, "mommy blogger" Dooce kept her habit hidden for a really long time too. She described hiding her vodka in travel size containers when she went on a trip, among other things:

https://dooce.com/2021/05/21/what-long-nights-would-end/

I hope you are getting counseling for yourself.

[Anonymous]

How is this even possible when you are living together. You didn't smell alcohol at all? Too hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

BTDT, but our marriage was shorter, only 7+ years, when I found out. He quit drinking after we'd been married a few years after I told him it was me or alcohol. Then our son was born prematurely with a number of disabilities, and things spiraled for him. He drank for 3 years without me knowing, but I wasn't paying as much attention as I could have been- the medical situation was overwhelming for us all. Our nanny finally clued me in, bless her heart, after she saw the multiple empty bottles while I was on a work trip.

Here's what I did: (1) I told him to move out. He was unemployed and had no money, so he moved into a halfway house. (2) he went to rehab. (3) we were separated for 6 months. I went to al-anon, and everyone was shocked that I'd kicked him out so soon. I was like, what else am I supposed to do? He had lied to me for years about his drinking and I wasn't going to just take it lying down.

He's been back home for 1.5 years now, and things are going well. He knows if he has another drink ever, and I mean ever, that I'm gone. He also takes full responsibility for his actions.

OP, in my experience, the viability of your marriage depends solely on his desire to be clean. If he doesn't want that, or can't do it, then leave. My husband valued our marriage and kids over drinking, but from what I see, that's rare. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op came here for support. Quit being jerks, jerks.

Op - al anon is your friend. This is a lot to work through and you can’t do it on your own. I’ve been in a similar spot though DH’s issue was not booze. When I found out he was (we were) in trouble, I called his doc and asked where to go first. He was very supportive and put us in touch with a shrink who specialized in dual diagnosis. He ended up at an outpatient program - went daily for a few months.

It was so hard to be there for him while he got better but I decided that in our situation it was worth it. Marriage has never been better - but it SUCKED. Al anon. Sending you so much love.

This +1000. OP, get support for yourself and take care. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you to those of you who have posted supportive or informational comments. The diagnosis was from a doctor who specializes in addiction. It's important to point out that while we have been together for about 25 years, my spouse was obviously not in the advanced stage of the disease the entire time. The worst of it has been in the past couple of years. It was much easier to overlook in the early days because there were not the other issues present of neglecting self-care, inability to maintain a job, shirking of responsibilities etc. My spouse has admitted to having had a dependence on alcohol for a very long time, but it was not interfering with functioning in the same way it is now.

The issue at this point, as one poster pointed out, is that the deception runs far deeper than just this disease. There have been lies on so many fronts, and the total and complete break down in trust will be difficult to repair.

Addiction is a disease, and covering up to feed the addiction is part of it. There is a book (if you are a reader) author is Tiffany Jenkins; she was a drug addict and the lengths she went to feed the addiction was eye opening to me.

[Anonymous]

You don’t smell beer in the Starbucks cup? What the hell OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t smell beer in the Starbucks cup? What the hell OP?

How is this helpful? I’m just curious PP - what do you get out of this post?
Maybe your life is perfect, which is great. If not, aren’t you going to look back at this moment and wonder why you were completely unnecessarily an A-hole to someone in need and feel like an ass when they someone is you?

OP - good luck and ignore the judgemental jerks. As to your marriage, i guess custody will need to factor in too right? If you separated, would your spouse end up with partial custody while still drinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a healthy situation but also I am surprised you had no idea. Sure alcoholics are sneaky but it is really hard to believe that you had no idea.

Many of us married to alcoholics were blind to it for a while but once you admit there is a problem (you have to admit it too) then you can make a decision. For us it has been trying to make it through. Lots of inpatient rehab, family counseling, counseling for kids alone, falling off the wagon, trying again, etc. If you are going to stay you have to be committed to it because there is no easy answer.

I was the kid in this situation and one day after my parents separated I sat in my room and sighed with relief because it was quiet and calm (and my parent wasn't a mean drunk, they were functioning enough to stay employed, but their drinking still created chaos in the house). Please don't "stay for the kids" in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My spouse rarely smelled of alcohol, but that is because the drinking would take place after the house went down for the night. By the morning it wasn't so much of an issue. I would find my spouse on the couch, in the guest room etc if I woke up, and I always thought it was bizarre. The reasons I was given were that my spouse couldn't sleep, didn't want to bother me with snoring, finished a movie and was too tired to come to bed etc. My family and I always thought my spouse had odd sleep habits, but it did take time to understand that it was actually an attempt to conceal the drinking when everyone was asleep for the night. There was eventually day drinking (past 6 months in my estimation), but it was in different containers (ie beer in a Starbucks covered cup or water bottle, or non-alcoholic beer in which I was told I was crazy bc "see, I'm not drinking alcohol, I'm drinking alcohol free beer!)

For those of you saying I have been in denial, I disagree. This past year I have suspected it, have been monitoring hiding spots, confronting my spouse about it, etc. A suspicion is different than denial. Once I found irrefutable evidence ( a HUGE and unhealthy quantity of empty containers after I had come home early from a business trip,) it all came together. It was then my spouse admitted it.

Wow. I'm so sorry, OP. But look, "mommy blogger" Dooce kept her habit hidden for a really long time too. She described hiding her vodka in travel size containers when she went on a trip, among other things:

https://dooce.com/2021/05/21/what-long-nights-would-end/

I hope you are getting counseling for yourself.

That is some serious pink cloud she is in. Looks like about three months since she posted. Hope she’s getting better.