What would you do if you found out your spouse of 25 years had a big secret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Find a few bottles and closets here and there” - give me a break OP.

Seriously. I mean, you knew that hiding alcohol in random closets wasn't normal, right?

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank you again, to those of you offering support and constructive thoughts. I will say it one last time: No, I did not smell alcohol in the covered Starbucks container or water bottle, no my spouse did not reek of alcohol, and while it seemed a bit odd to me, the empty bottles that I would find here and there "hidden" in closets did not seem overly concerning to me AT THE TIME. I assumed my spouse had stuck them there after watching TV, as the closets I found them in were off two rooms with TVs. Of course I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking, but I had no idea hiding alcohol was a hallmark of this disease. I always had a very stereotypical view of an alcoholic as a messy drunk, falling all over, visibly intoxicated etc. I was grossly uneducated about the disease.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand exactly everything you are saying. Sending you love and light.

To the rest of you who watch too much TV- alcoholism is a sneaky disease covered by complicated layers of deception. Not every drunk is falling down, passing out, or crashing their cars.

[Anonymous]

Is your spouse open to therapy for alcohol?

[Anonymous]

My cousin went through this with his wife. He was so angry at her and then after she passed, he really struggled to forgive himself for being so angry during that last time they had-she could have survived with a liver transplant but couldn't stay sober long enough to get on the list. I would try al-anon and see if it works for you and also get an individual therapist.

[Anonymous]

Wife has been tucking her sack for years and no one ever could tell.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Understand that the deception is the nature of the disease. It is a betrayal of you but that's what the disease does. Not saying it's ok or you need to stay or forgive etc. Al Anon should be helpful as you get your bearings

As for ppl attacking op for being in denial, you would like to think you'd know, that you could never be fooled. But addiction is often progressive and makes people masters of deception

I recently learned a friend is a heroin addict. Has struggled 25 years now. Has two kids, a PhD, a seemingly good marriage, a high profile job. Things spiraled during covid (and generally addictions get worse not better) and she almost died. But until recently her spouse of more than a decade didn't know. He suspected something, but never that. Her (non addict) friends didn't know. She described to me the measures age went through to keep things secret, to "manage" her addiction. She noted ruefully that is she had directed the amount of time and mental effort she our in hiding and navigating her addiction to her writing or academic work she could have written a series of books by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t smell beer in the Starbucks cup? What the hell OP?

How is this helpful? I’m just curious PP - what do you get out of this post?
Maybe your life is perfect, which is great. If not, aren’t you going to look back at this moment and wonder why you were completely unnecessarily an A-hole to someone in need and feel like an ass when they someone is you?

OP - good luck and ignore the judgemental jerks. As to your marriage, i guess custody will need to factor in too right? If you separated, would your spouse end up with partial custody while still drinking?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Understand that the deception is the nature of the disease. It is a betrayal of you but that's what the disease does. Not saying it's ok or you need to stay or forgive etc. Al Anon should be helpful as you get your bearings

As for ppl attacking op for being in denial, you would like to think you'd know, that you could never be fooled. But addiction is often progressive and makes people masters of deception

I recently learned a friend is a heroin addict. Has struggled 25 years now. Has two kids, a PhD, a seemingly good marriage, a high profile job. Things spiraled during covid (and generally addictions get worse not better) and she almost died. But until recently her spouse of more than a decade didn't know. He suspected something, but never that. Her (non addict) friends didn't know. She described to me the measures age went through to keep things secret, to "manage" her addiction. She noted ruefully that is she had directed the amount of time and mental effort she our in hiding and navigating her addiction to her writing or academic work she could have written a series of books by now.

+ 1 i've heard the same for those caught up in an affair which is in and of itself a coping/addiction for some. Some of the op-ed they go through to avoid detection and, gaslight and often never travel,, go out w/out spouse on boys/girl nights/trips and home on time for dinner every night.

but, yes, functional alcoholics are very adept. you don't smell it and the hide the signs so, so well until eventually the health symptoms or they progress (which many do over time)

[Anonymous]

So has his liver failed yet?
Can you ramp up the life insurance?
Do you have all the bank and investment account logins?
Is he getting angry and nasty? Need adult diapers yet or a drainage bag?

Buckle up. Consider an early divorce to protect any assets and savings.

[Anonymous]

Big secret like a love child or FBI agent job or mental disorder?

It was definitely a mystery for 5 or so years but then he got a diagnosis. His mother tried to keep it a family secret. One kid has the same disorder, highly heredity. Alcoholism is as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So has his liver failed yet?
Can you ramp up the life insurance?
Do you have all the bank and investment account logins?
Is he getting angry and nasty? Need adult diapers yet or a drainage bag?

Buckle up. Consider an early divorce to protect any assets and savings.

Her liver. OP is the husband of an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my spouse of 25 years has late stage alcoholism. I have truly never seen my spouse drink inappropriately or get drunk- EVER in all this time. From what I had seen, there was low-average drinking going on- 0-3 glasses of wine a week. Come to find out there has been day drinking, night drinking, all in different containers, hidden bottles in the house, in neighbor's trash bins, etc. There was obvious signs of a decline in functioning (unable to maintain employment, neglect of physical appearance, neglect of personal and family responsibility, but never thought the reason was alcohol. I kept suggesting therapy, financial planner, medication for depression etc, but nothing worked.

What would you do in this situation? I feel so betrayed by the amount of deception. I feel the marriage is over. We have one child who is in middle school and I feel terribly about thinking of divorce, but this is not a healthy situation for anyone.

...so...you were okay with those things when you thought they were because of...something else? Alcoholism is a disease, as is depression and whatever else you thought was in play. Why would you leave him now, when he needs you the most? 25 years of denial and tacit approval/acceptance of his dysfunction and you gave a young teen together. I recommend therapy for you to sort out how you will handle this.

The majority of marriages don't make it through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Find a few bottles and closets here and there” - give me a break OP.

Have some kindness. People don't want to believe what's in front of their face, when the person involved is their wife or husband. He loves her. He doesn't want to admit the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Find a few bottles and closets here and there” - give me a break OP.

Have some kindness. People don't want to believe what's in front of their face, when the person involved is their wife or husband. He loves her. He doesn't want to admit the worst.

This is the definition of DENIAL, a word that op and others take offense at. It is a coping mechanism. There is no shame in protecting yourself from potentially traumatic information. It is actually quite astounding that we can keep ourselves in the dark for decades.