What would you do if you found out your spouse of 25 years had a big secret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So has his liver failed yet?
Can you ramp up the life insurance?
Do you have all the bank and investment account logins?
Is he getting angry and nasty? Need adult diapers yet or a drainage bag?

Buckle up. Consider an early divorce to protect any assets and savings.

Her liver. OP is the husband of an alcoholic.

Some husbands are married to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Understand that the deception is the nature of the disease. It is a betrayal of you but that's what the disease does. Not saying it's ok or you need to stay or forgive etc. Al Anon should be helpful as you get your bearings

As for ppl attacking op for being in denial, you would like to think you'd know, that you could never be fooled. But addiction is often progressive and makes people masters of deception

I recently learned a friend is a heroin addict. Has struggled 25 years now. Has two kids, a PhD, a seemingly good marriage, a high profile job. Things spiraled during covid (and generally addictions get worse not better) and she almost died. But until recently her spouse of more than a decade didn't know. He suspected something, but never that. Her (non addict) friends didn't know. She described to me the measures age went through to keep things secret, to "manage" her addiction. She noted ruefully that is she had directed the amount of time and mental effort she our in hiding and navigating her addiction to her writing or academic work she could have written a series of books by now.

OP here: thank you for this helpful post. I really appreciate it. I suspected something too, just never thought it was addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you again, to those of you offering support and constructive thoughts. I will say it one last time: No, I did not smell alcohol in the covered Starbucks container or water bottle, no my spouse did not reek of alcohol, and while it seemed a bit odd to me, the empty bottles that I would find here and there "hidden" in closets did not seem overly concerning to me AT THE TIME. I assumed my spouse had stuck them there after watching TV, as the closets I found them in were off two rooms with TVs. Of course I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking, but I had no idea hiding alcohol was a hallmark of this disease. I always had a very stereotypical view of an alcoholic as a messy drunk, falling all over, visibly intoxicated etc. I was grossly uneducated about the disease.

OP, I knew DH had a problem when I found “extra” empties in the recycling (he didn’t hide them around the house), and I spoke to him about it a number of times. But I had absolutely no idea how bad it was, how much he was drinking, how much he’d been hiding and lying for years. I was suspicious, even confrontational, and I was still shocked.. I’m saying that even if you know, you don’t really know.

He’s still very early in recovery, a few months. The lack of trust is a problem and I don’t know if we will be able to get past it. But he’s getting treatment, we’re in counseling together, and I’m seeing a counselor too. I decided not to walk away when he came clean because I do think this is an illness and he is getting help for it. But at some point i think there’s a choice about whether or not to stay sober. I’m not sure if I’ll stay if he goes back to choosing alcohol. And I don’t know if we’ll get over the breakdown in trust even if he stays sober. I hope so. So we’re working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So has his liver failed yet?
Can you ramp up the life insurance?
Do you have all the bank and investment account logins?
Is he getting angry and nasty? Need adult diapers yet or a drainage bag?

Buckle up. Consider an early divorce to protect any assets and savings.

Her liver. OP is the husband of an alcoholic.

Now it makes sense that nothing was noticed or stopped.

[Anonymous]

Get her to one of those $100k 12 month clinics. And pray it works.