Anyone ever contemplated getting a divorce together and then deciding it was too impractical?

[Anonymous]

Hello. My husband and I have grown apart in many ways. No abuse. No cheating. Quite a bit of irreconcilable differences. We fought a lot with harsh mean words. I'm definitely no saint and I made my mistakes. We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?). We don't like each other's families-- who to spend holidays with is always a fight. The sex has been quite dry, but I thought that was just part of being exhausted---We have 3 kids. Financially I think it is a dumb move. I am wondering though if this is just me chasing him, not wanting to let go of a marriage that is doomed, and ultimately just making it harder for everyone. I am the high earner. He can bleed me dry. He can choose to leave anytime. My understanding is that the longer I am in the marriage, the more it is to his favor in terms of alimony, etc. As for me, the thought of not having the kids during holidays hurts alot, as well as just the financial aspect of losing the benefits of marriage.

Marriage is hard, but divorce seems harder. I guess I'm looking for stories of people out there who have been in a similar situation. Do you just cut your losses early? We have been talking divorce for 2 years now. No one seems to pull the trigger. I'm pretty sure we are both unfulfilled in this marriage, but maybe I'm jaded, but I don't know if there would be more fulfilling relationships out there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's not like it is in my control.

[Anonymous]

You don't really say why you cannot be happy together or what you've done to work on the marriage. Maybe you should try fixing it.

If it is just about spending money, that is something you both can work on if you try. (And yes, being frugal can be toxic when it is obsessive or a means of being controlling.) You can work as a team to get along with each other's family, and you knew what you were getting into there when you got married and had kids. And you can learn how to fight without being mean.

[Anonymous]

I mean....do you like him? Is he an enjoyable companion? Do you enjoy having conversations with him and doing activities together? Does he make you laugh?

What do you gain from the relationship?

As for money, he will be entitled to half the marital assets that exist at the time of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes, except I have even more reason not to divorce (administrative reasons, on top of financial reasons, on top of the fact that my husband can be abusive towards our son and I don't want to share custody).

He's lost most of my respect and love. I do feel some affection towards him occasionally when he acts like a decent human being, and when he makes me laugh, but I recognize that it's not enough for a husband and wife relationship. I rely on outside friendships to keep me emotionally balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't really say why you cannot be happy together or what you've done to work on the marriage. Maybe you should try fixing it.

If it is just about spending money, that is something you both can work on if you try. (And yes, being frugal can be toxic when it is obsessive or a means of being controlling.) You can work as a team to get along with each other's family, and you knew what you were getting into there when you got married and had kids. And you can learn how to fight without being mean.

I said it there-- irreconcilable differences. we've been married 10 years, and I feel like, we are getting worse, not better, in terms of fighting. We tried counselling, even counsellors shake their heads. I feel both of us had fantasies of each other, and ultimately the marriage was practical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really say why you cannot be happy together or what you've done to work on the marriage. Maybe you should try fixing it.

If it is just about spending money, that is something you both can work on if you try. (And yes, being frugal can be toxic when it is obsessive or a means of being controlling.) You can work as a team to get along with each other's family, and you knew what you were getting into there when you got married and had kids. And you can learn how to fight without being mean.

I said it there-- irreconcilable differences. we've been married 10 years, and I feel like, we are getting worse, not better, in terms of fighting. We tried counselling, even counsellors shake their heads. I feel both of us had fantasies of each other, and ultimately the marriage was practical.

13:34 again. You have to stop fighting as much as you can. This is what I do, to preserve my sanity. I will fight every time to defend my child, but apart from that, I let go of everything that's not dangerous. I live my life with my kids and my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean....do you like him? Is he an enjoyable companion? Do you enjoy having conversations with him and doing activities together? Does he make you laugh?

What do you gain from the relationship?

As for money, he will be entitled to half the marital assets that exist at the time of divorce.

I like him and generally enjoy being with him, except any stressor comes and it just erupts. he hates that I don't laugh at his jokes, and instead roll my yes at it. Do I pretend they are funny when they really annoy me? He likes things I find shallow. he is mad that I used to enjoy them with him, but add three kids to the mix, and guess what-- we can't binge watch tv shows all weekend anymore. we can't eat doritos for dinner.

What do I gain? A partner, a tax break, insurance coverage if I were to lose my job, a co-parent. He is the father of my children so i don't want to fight him. I am more scared of what I lose to be honest-- time with my kids. We do not agree on parenting choices at all. We do not agree on where to live. He wants me to get a higher paying job, and I don't, because i want to spend time with the kids. He doesn't want to get a higher paying job because he thinks I have the higher chance of getting a much higher paying job (I have a PhD, he doesn't, plus he is government whereas I take the high risk high pay job with no pension). I think our income is enough if he wasn't spending so much on his hobbies: boats, bikes, legos! He contributes a fixed amount every month which he calculated based on the income disparity. All vacations, eat outs, hospitalizations, home repairs are on me. Even the cost of the divorce is entirely on me and he says he will hire the most expensive lawyer and I will have to pay up. He resents that I don't allow him to invest "our" money according to his choosing. I don't see it as "our" money. If he contributes a fixed amount, then my savings contribution should also be a fixed amount. We work the same hours. My schedule is less flexible but anytime I am free, I do pick up and drop off. Weekends I have to beg him for time off from his hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello. My husband and I have grown apart in many ways. No abuse. No cheating. Quite a bit of irreconcilable differences. We fought a lot with harsh mean words. I'm definitely no saint and I made my mistakes. We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?). We don't like each other's families-- who to spend holidays with is always a fight. The sex has been quite dry, but I thought that was just part of being exhausted---We have 3 kids. Financially I think it is a dumb move. I am wondering though if this is just me chasing him, not wanting to let go of a marriage that is doomed, and ultimately just making it harder for everyone. I am the high earner. He can bleed me dry. He can choose to leave anytime. My understanding is that the longer I am in the marriage, the more it is to his favor in terms of alimony, etc. As for me, the thought of not having the kids during holidays hurts alot, as well as just the financial aspect of losing the benefits of marriage.

Marriage is hard, but divorce seems harder. I guess I'm looking for stories of people out there who have been in a similar situation. Do you just cut your losses early? We have been talking divorce for 2 years now. No one seems to pull the trigger. I'm pretty sure we are both unfulfilled in this marriage, but maybe I'm jaded, but I don't know if there would be more fulfilling relationships out there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's not like it is in my control.

Yes divorce is definitely hard. In some cases like abuse it’s an easy decision. Most divorces are the wife leaving.

Have you taken a weekend apart? Doing something to be spontaneous together? I don’t understand how the therapists just shake their heads? The fighting can be unhappiness but how do fight? Does one have to be right? It’s sounds common and nothing yet to say yes that’s an awful marriage. It sounds bad but so far not irreconcilable to me. Other relationships bring more problems with step parent dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, except I have even more reason not to divorce (administrative reasons, on top of financial reasons, on top of the fact that my husband can be abusive towards our son and I don't want to share custody).

He's lost most of my respect and love. I do feel some affection towards him occasionally when he acts like a decent human being, and when he makes me laugh, but I recognize that it's not enough for a husband and wife relationship. I rely on outside friendships to keep me emotionally balanced.

Thank you so much for posting. What is your game plan? Carry on til the kids are 18 years old? I hear all this advice on "would you want your mom/sister/bestfriend in a relationship like yours?" but I also want to hear the "what's the alternative?" It's not like divorce ends our problems. I worry it will magnify it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello. My husband and I have grown apart in many ways. No abuse. No cheating. Quite a bit of irreconcilable differences. We fought a lot with harsh mean words. I'm definitely no saint and I made my mistakes. We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?). We don't like each other's families-- who to spend holidays with is always a fight. The sex has been quite dry, but I thought that was just part of being exhausted---We have 3 kids. Financially I think it is a dumb move. I am wondering though if this is just me chasing him, not wanting to let go of a marriage that is doomed, and ultimately just making it harder for everyone. I am the high earner. He can bleed me dry. He can choose to leave anytime. My understanding is that the longer I am in the marriage, the more it is to his favor in terms of alimony, etc. As for me, the thought of not having the kids during holidays hurts alot, as well as just the financial aspect of losing the benefits of marriage.

Marriage is hard, but divorce seems harder. I guess I'm looking for stories of people out there who have been in a similar situation. Do you just cut your losses early? We have been talking divorce for 2 years now. No one seems to pull the trigger. I'm pretty sure we are both unfulfilled in this marriage, but maybe I'm jaded, but I don't know if there would be more fulfilling relationships out there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's not like it is in my control.

Yes divorce is definitely hard. In some cases like abuse it’s an easy decision. Most divorces are the wife leaving.

Have you taken a weekend apart? Doing something to be spontaneous together? I don’t understand how the therapists just shake their heads? The fighting can be unhappiness but how do fight? Does one have to be right? It’s sounds common and nothing yet to say yes that’s an awful marriage. It sounds bad but so far not irreconcilable to me. Other relationships bring more problems with step parent dynamics.

Here we go again...many divorces will never involve a step-parent. That is not a reason NOT to divorce. It may never happen.

[Anonymous]

OP you're an internet stranger so I'm just gonna give it to you straight.....GROW UP! You sound immature and selfish, and I recognize this because I've been where you are. I separated from my spouse and it devastated our family. The kids suffered so much. In seeing them suffer we both saw how immature we were being. Fights over money were stupid, we weren't going bankrupt. Not being light and laughing together was stupid. We were blessed to have each other, be healthy, have great kids. It is easy to let lifes stressors pile up and be a joykill. You must actively resist this. Remember back how it was when you were dating, when you were kind, and intersted/interesting, when you said positive things to your partner on a regular. Get back to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, except I have even more reason not to divorce (administrative reasons, on top of financial reasons, on top of the fact that my husband can be abusive towards our son and I don't want to share custody).

He's lost most of my respect and love. I do feel some affection towards him occasionally when he acts like a decent human being, and when he makes me laugh, but I recognize that it's not enough for a husband and wife relationship. I rely on outside friendships to keep me emotionally balanced.

Thank you so much for posting. What is your game plan? Carry on til the kids are 18 years old? I hear all this advice on "would you want your mom/sister/bestfriend in a relationship like yours?" but I also want to hear the "what's the alternative?" It's not like divorce ends our problems. I worry it will magnify it.

Then don't get a divorce. It does not sound like you really want one. You know when you really want one when you have no feeling at all toward the spouse, can't stand seeing them, don't have sex with him, don't want to retire with him, and would rather be single forever than stay married. For me, divorce feels better--I just could not stay married because I felt like I was living a lie and living in the biggest mistake of my life. I did not see the "benefits" of marriage everyone talks about ...I thought it was all sacrifice and no reward...all misery and no happiness. Divorce has different problems. You have to pick the problems that are easier to deal with (marriage problems or divorce problems). For me, divorce problems are preferred but everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you're an internet stranger so I'm just gonna give it to you straight.....GROW UP! You sound immature and selfish, and I recognize this because I've been where you are. I separated from my spouse and it devastated our family. The kids suffered so much. In seeing them suffer we both saw how immature we were being. Fights over money were stupid, we weren't going bankrupt. Not being light and laughing together was stupid. We were blessed to have each other, be healthy, have great kids. It is easy to let lifes stressors pile up and be a joykill. You must actively resist this. Remember back how it was when you were dating, when you were kind, and intersted/interesting, when you said positive things to your partner on a regular. Get back to that.

Thank you. Did you get back together?

It's hard not to be a joykill, when someone is asking you to literally work for things (boat) you dont even value and takes time away from things you do value (family). You are right though, that's why Im telling myself, is it just cheaper to get him the damn boat so I can still sleep every night with my kids. I will take immature and selfish. But from my perspective, a father of 3 is being immature and selfish buying a boat when we are not even saving up for college. But again, should I just swallow this? we tried, and I really got mad, because I thought the bike, kayak would be enough.... Now it's a freaking boat with dock fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, except I have even more reason not to divorce (administrative reasons, on top of financial reasons, on top of the fact that my husband can be abusive towards our son and I don't want to share custody).

He's lost most of my respect and love. I do feel some affection towards him occasionally when he acts like a decent human being, and when he makes me laugh, but I recognize that it's not enough for a husband and wife relationship. I rely on outside friendships to keep me emotionally balanced.

Thank you so much for posting. What is your game plan? Carry on til the kids are 18 years old? I hear all this advice on "would you want your mom/sister/bestfriend in a relationship like yours?" but I also want to hear the "what's the alternative?" It's not like divorce ends our problems. I worry it will magnify it.

Then don't get a divorce. It does not sound like you really want one. You know when you really want one when you have no feeling at all toward the spouse, can't stand seeing them, don't have sex with him, don't want to retire with him, and would rather be single forever than stay married. For me, divorce feels better--I just could not stay married because I felt like I was living a lie and living in the biggest mistake of my life. I did not see the "benefits" of marriage everyone talks about ...I thought it was all sacrifice and no reward...all misery and no happiness. Divorce has different problems. You have to pick the problems that are easier to deal with (marriage problems or divorce problems). For me, divorce problems are preferred but everyone is different.

Thank you. I do feel like I am living a lie to keep him happy. It is a "mistake" because I was that idealistic immature romantic who thought love conquers income disparities. He seemed so solid when we were dating. He never spent a penny on me, we did free things. I thought that meant he was frugal. I didn't realize he was funneling it to something else and that he really literally did not have any money to spend on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're an internet stranger so I'm just gonna give it to you straight.....GROW UP! You sound immature and selfish, and I recognize this because I've been where you are. I separated from my spouse and it devastated our family. The kids suffered so much. In seeing them suffer we both saw how immature we were being. Fights over money were stupid, we weren't going bankrupt. Not being light and laughing together was stupid. We were blessed to have each other, be healthy, have great kids. It is easy to let lifes stressors pile up and be a joykill. You must actively resist this. Remember back how it was when you were dating, when you were kind, and intersted/interesting, when you said positive things to your partner on a regular. Get back to that.

Thank you. Did you get back together?

It's hard not to be a joykill, when someone is asking you to literally work for things (boat) you dont even value and takes time away from things you do value (family). You are right though, that's why Im telling myself, is it just cheaper to get him the damn boat so I can still sleep every night with my kids. I will take immature and selfish. But from my perspective, a father of 3 is being immature and selfish buying a boat when we are not even saving up for college. But again, should I just swallow this? we tried, and I really got mad, because I thought the bike, kayak would be enough.... Now it's a freaking boat with dock fees.

This is a financial issue primarily. Say no.