Anyone ever contemplated getting a divorce together and then deciding it was too impractical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're an internet stranger so I'm just gonna give it to you straight.....GROW UP! You sound immature and selfish, and I recognize this because I've been where you are. I separated from my spouse and it devastated our family. The kids suffered so much. In seeing them suffer we both saw how immature we were being. Fights over money were stupid, we weren't going bankrupt. Not being light and laughing together was stupid. We were blessed to have each other, be healthy, have great kids. It is easy to let lifes stressors pile up and be a joykill. You must actively resist this. Remember back how it was when you were dating, when you were kind, and intersted/interesting, when you said positive things to your partner on a regular. Get back to that.

Thank you. Did you get back together?

It's hard not to be a joykill, when someone is asking you to literally work for things (boat) you dont even value and takes time away from things you do value (family). You are right though, that's why Im telling myself, is it just cheaper to get him the damn boat so I can still sleep every night with my kids. I will take immature and selfish. But from my perspective, a father of 3 is being immature and selfish buying a boat when we are not even saving up for college. But again, should I just swallow this? we tried, and I really got mad, because I thought the bike, kayak would be enough.... Now it's a freaking boat with dock fees.

Are you really fighting that much about a boat? I mean, can't you just say "we aren't getting a boat because that represents [X number] of months at my job working for it and I think we can have fun in other ways?" I am not being snarky here, this is just a really foreign idea to me, making a partner work so you can have something that is as unnecessary as a boat. (For a context, I'm a stay at home mom, DH is a high earner, I see a very clear relationship between what I buy and how much time he spends with the family and I am trying to save my pennies so he can quit his high-earning job.)

And on the one hand, a boat is probably cheaper than alimony. But on the other hand, I would struggle being married to somebody who didn't seem to appreciate how hard I was working by spending our money on things like boats.

[Anonymous]

If you are posting here, you want a divorce, so get one.

[Anonymous]

More than half of what you've written about is money. Maybe hire a financial advisor to mediate those decisions?

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you want a divorce. If you've been talking about it for two years and he's been threatening you with intentionally hiring an expensive attorney, that just sounds nasty. On the other hand, I guess I'd ask WHY can't you occasionally binge watch tv shows all weekend? Or one day? Why can't you eat doritos for dinner once in a while? Not specifically, but my point is just that it sounds like you feel he wants to have fun and you're angry about that--maybe because you feel like he gets to have fun at the expense of your work. But I think there's a middle ground there. It does sound like there's a lot of yours and mine in this relationship, especially financially, that I don't think is super healthy. But boats are an expensive hobby. Legos...not so much. Maybe it doesn't matter and you guys are so far gone that there's no working through this. In that case, I don't really understand the "grow up" comment. Yes. You have kids. You would have to make the sacrifice not to see them ALL the time, but you might be less stressed out and happier since you don't have to deal with someone you obviously don't like being with anymore. I guess it's a trade off. It sounds like you would be okay financially. So, it's really about what you think would make you happier in the long run. I think your kids will be okay as long as you can both be good co-parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello. My husband and I have grown apart in many ways. No abuse. No cheating. Quite a bit of irreconcilable differences. We fought a lot with harsh mean words. I'm definitely no saint and I made my mistakes. We don't agree on spending (he thinks I am too stingy and I think he is a spendthrift...but the cost of a divorce is alot so in my head, maybe I should just rationalize his frivolous spending as cheaper than divorce?). We don't like each other's families-- who to spend holidays with is always a fight. The sex has been quite dry, but I thought that was just part of being exhausted---We have 3 kids. Financially I think it is a dumb move. I am wondering though if this is just me chasing him, not wanting to let go of a marriage that is doomed, and ultimately just making it harder for everyone. I am the high earner. He can bleed me dry. He can choose to leave anytime. My understanding is that the longer I am in the marriage, the more it is to his favor in terms of alimony, etc. As for me, the thought of not having the kids during holidays hurts alot, as well as just the financial aspect of losing the benefits of marriage.

Marriage is hard, but divorce seems harder. I guess I'm looking for stories of people out there who have been in a similar situation. Do you just cut your losses early? We have been talking divorce for 2 years now. No one seems to pull the trigger. I'm pretty sure we are both unfulfilled in this marriage, but maybe I'm jaded, but I don't know if there would be more fulfilling relationships out there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's not like it is in my control.

Most divorces are the wife and kids leaving.

Yes divorce is definitely hard. In some cases like abuse it’s an easy decision. Most divorces are the wife leaving.

Have you taken a weekend apart? Doing something to be spontaneous together? I don’t understand how the therapists just shake their heads? The fighting can be unhappiness but how do fight? Does one have to be right? It’s sounds common and nothing yet to say yes that’s an awful marriage. It sounds bad but so far not irreconcilable to me. Other relationships bring more problems with step parent dynamics.

[Anonymous]

He sounds really unhappy and looking for things to make him so. Once boat is no longer new he will be on to something else.

I’d look for another therapist. Either he wants to be part of a family and a partnership with you or not. I do not understand how a couple gets to “ you pay x and I’ll pay y.” All money should be for your family. You can establish a budget for each person to spend as they like with no judgement but it should all start off together.

And for what it’s worth, I am the higher earner DW now. When I was sah my dh never made me feel like it was his money. Always ours.

You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, except I have even more reason not to divorce (administrative reasons, on top of financial reasons, on top of the fact that my husband can be abusive towards our son and I don't want to share custody).

He's lost most of my respect and love. I do feel some affection towards him occasionally when he acts like a decent human being, and when he makes me laugh, but I recognize that it's not enough for a husband and wife relationship. I rely on outside friendships to keep me emotionally balanced.

Thank you so much for posting. What is your game plan? Carry on til the kids are 18 years old? I hear all this advice on "would you want your mom/sister/bestfriend in a relationship like yours?" but I also want to hear the "what's the alternative?" It's not like divorce ends our problems. I worry it will magnify it.

My game plan is to continue long-term: until either my kids are independent (youngest is in middle school), or administratively, I have more options (right now my visa is dependent on his, so I am essentially a prisoner). I also know he's doing his best to control all finances, and if we divorce now he stands an excellent chance of hiding overseas accounts. I've been working for years on getting joint accounts, and linking our American accounts to our overseas accounts, etc, to have a better chance of getting everything acknowledged as common marital assets should the need arise. Complex situation indeed, so right now I'm focusing on living as happy a life as I can.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest meeting with a lawyer (or two) for a consult, which will cost money, but will let you know exactly what your best/worst/,most likely scenarios are.

Your follow up post makes your husband sound very difficult. It sounds (to me) that he would make a divorce difficult, would eat up fees, would insist on more custody than he wants to punish you and get more money from you. He's also threatening you. Meting with an attorney can help you see what's really likely to happen.

I'd also suggest you start to think of this strategically. Meeting with an attorney can help you learn what types of things you might have to document in order to gain advantage during thee divorce. Do you do all the school pick ups and he does none? Does he participate in medical appointments, etc? You might be able o document a strong case for tie breaking authority for medical or school decisions, for example.

Also, (veery broadly speaking, admittedly stereotypes) men often threaten and women often cave - but the reality of the law can be quite different than the threats or the caving. Some people might say, let's save money, not involve lawyers, draw up an agreement ourselves and then an agreement is drawn up that is disadvantageous to one party.

Also - if you meet with several attorneys (which will cost you money!) you could conflict out firms that your DH would then not be able to hire.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? It might be worthwhile. You seem very determined to be right. Right fighting can be very toxic. Yes, sometimes you laugh at the dumb jokes. Yes, sometimes you do foolish things. it might seem forced or awkward, but trying ot go with the flow (reasonably) might help, at least a little.

Your DH also seems like a bean counter and right fighter. Calculating expenses based on income doesn't scream "our money." Maybe therapy for you alone can help you learn what is more normal in a healthy relationship.

A boat is a big commitment. (especially if there are no college savings!). Are there ways to build up to that commitment? boat shares? Taking a boating course and getting boating safety certified by BoatUS? Weekend rentals? Etc - some ways to build in fun activities while not making the full commitment. What about drawing up a 3 year plan to boat ownership?

[Anonymous]

Life is long. I think this marriage might suit you better in 10 years.

If you recoil at reading that, though, you should leave.

[Anonymous]

You just sound nasty, op. I “get” that interests and priorities change after kids. Rolling your eyes at your husband’s humor and finding his interests shallow is just mean.
Can’t you find pleasure in things that make your husband happy if only because something on this planet has given the person you love some joy, joy that isn’t hurting anybody, joy that puts a spring in his step, joy that he can share with you if you are willing?
As for his humor, what’s wrong with it? I am thrilled when my husband laughs at my jokes, everybody wants to know that someone finds them amusing in a healthy way. I’m honestly not sure I could or would stay with someone who rolled their eyes whenever I spoke or tried to bring levity into a situation or who belittled my interests.

Your fantasy talk makes me think you’ve got your eye on someone else.

This isn’t the ten year slump “I’ve had all the kids I’m likely going to have.. I won’t have the anticipation of the things romance novels fill our heads with, my own wedding, my own pregnancy, my own baby, I likely won’t do anything that anybody beyond my family will ever care about”. All that is pretty normal.

You are just mean, op, like you want your husband to cheat so you can keep on being mean.

[Anonymous]

I worry that if we get the lawyers involved, there really is no going back. I know he will make it difficult. And as for preparing to set things up, he is very knowledgeable with divorce law. His family all went through contentious divorces, and I have no doubt, Id be up for a fight should I choose to fight it. I need him to be a good father to my kids so I am really doing my best to see what is good for us. Thank you for the advice to seek therapy for myself. Im working on it. I dont know healthy relationships— this is probably the healthiest I have had which is why I married him. Part of me is scared to be alone. And I know that makes me vulnerable.

We are very codependent— he is dependent on me for money and I am dependent on him for support. He is miserable and a little depressed especially with covid lockdown, which is why I think everything escalates. But he has already told me he cant see a way out of this, that he would just be staying for the kids. I honestly dont know if that is BS.

We are both right fighters, which is why the therapists shake their heads. We dont really get awesome ones because we rely on what insurance pays. When we first had problems, our conclusion was that we hated counselling so much we ought to do our best not to need it. Just really tired.

[Anonymous]

Understand that your ex is not going to be obligated to do anything in your interest once you say the magic words.

He won't even be compelled to act in his own or even his kids' best interests.

[Anonymous]

I divorced so I could live in peace. It was expensive and painful but worth it. Only you can decide if you’re better off with him or without. I would do therapy by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understand that your ex is not going to be obligated to do anything in your interest once you say the magic words.

He won't even be compelled to act in his own or even his kids' best interests.

We have said it already. Multiple times. We are planning the logistics. And now that we have the logistics, it is hitting me (i dont know about him— he says he is scared also) hard. Yes, I have romantic fantasies about being married to a guy I can actually save for a future with and Im sure he has fantasies about a nonmean girl who supports his passions.

I thought finances were our biggest issue too. We had aggressively paid off his student loans— all his salary went there. I took care of everything. I thought we would be happy to pay them off, and start saving for college. Instead, it’s a f$&%#^ boat. Yes I am mean because it’s really hard for me. He and I both grew up poor but he seems to not care about the future because he might as well enjoy it now rather than fight inflation, whereas I am always petrified I’d lose my job and we wouldnt have enough savings to float us by.

Im gonna sign out now, but I just wanted to say thank you for all the feedback. I am scared to talk to others because maybe I am in denial, and this has been helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're an internet stranger so I'm just gonna give it to you straight.....GROW UP! You sound immature and selfish, and I recognize this because I've been where you are. I separated from my spouse and it devastated our family. The kids suffered so much. In seeing them suffer we both saw how immature we were being. Fights over money were stupid, we weren't going bankrupt. Not being light and laughing together was stupid. We were blessed to have each other, be healthy, have great kids. It is easy to let lifes stressors pile up and be a joykill. You must actively resist this. Remember back how it was when you were dating, when you were kind, and intersted/interesting, when you said positive things to your partner on a regular. Get back to that.

Thank you. Did you get back together?

It's hard not to be a joykill, when someone is asking you to literally work for things (boat) you dont even value and takes time away from things you do value (family). You are right though, that's why Im telling myself, is it just cheaper to get him the damn boat so I can still sleep every night with my kids. I will take immature and selfish. But from my perspective, a father of 3 is being immature and selfish buying a boat when we are not even saving up for college. But again, should I just swallow this? we tried, and I really got mad, because I thought the bike, kayak would be enough.... Now it's a freaking boat with dock fees.

Now isn’t a great time to buy a boat due COVID. Supply line issues so it’s tough to get a new boat, and used boats are priced high. I can commiserate OP. DH wanted a boat, we got it - wasn’t big enough so we had a boat custom built to DHs specifications. Loved the boat, but now he needs a john boat to explore shallow creeks (we live by the Potomac). He wants a second home, mad we only had vacations booked for May and June this year and not August. Whatever he gets, it’s never enough.