14 and 16yo with no close friends or activities - please help

[Anonymous]

Last summer, my kids did not socialize or do anything - of course, I felt bad but was busy working as was DH in the healthcare setting. This summer though again they have zero plans - but they are both fully vaccinated. They are OK students and say they have friends at school but don't like to socialize outside of school. They do whatever volunteer work is assigned through school or our church but nothing more. They are responsible and kind and don't cause any trouble, but they don't seem to have any motivation. The older one is apprehensive about driving and is taking driving classes but that's it. I feel they could and should do more. Any ideas about concrete steps to take to get a job or volunteer work?

[Anonymous]

What is the reason the 16 yr old doesn't already have a job? My son was 15 last summer and I told him to enjoy his last summer of laying around and not doing anything because this summer, he would have at least a part-time job. There are a million vacancies right now so it shouldn't be hard to get a job. The 14 yr old is harder since he is too young for most formal jobs. Maybe a summer class/activity would be a good idea. Offer a few suggestions and then sign him up. My DS took a coding class online last summer. He didn't love it but he did enjoy the teacher so he might sign up for another class he is teaching this summer.

[Anonymous]

Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

[Anonymous]

It may be too late for this year but look at REc-PAC at the schools or the parks authority in your area as they all hire 14-16 yr old for CIT type postings as my neighbor’s dd has been doing a while.

If religious, all the churches have VBS and look for teen helpers (7 th grade up.) May not be too late for this.

Pet rescues need teens/families for few hours on weekends to play and walk at the adoptions.

Neighborhood pool. Can lifeguard at 15 so they could spend the fall/winter getting certified.

Every single activity known to man is in the DMV!

For friends, it is the hard one as has to come from them. One of ours had/ has a big group of friends but is selective how much time he spends as needs a lot of down time. He also swims, works, and has a specific hobby.

Our other had friends through neighborhood and scouts but never latched on to anyone thing or group. Still like that in college. Had/has just enough to make him feel included, and now a girlfriend.

I am older mom so I am sure my view is rose-colored of days of yore but the smartphones, technology has made it worse/ more convenient/ or bad from wherever you stand on the issue.

I’ve discussed this with friends whose kids are the star athletes, popular, etc. and they often say they are home all the time alone ( exaggerating a bit.) But what we all see is that you don’t have to go any where to “see” your friends. They lay on the bed or sofa and chat, FaceTime, text. Someone suggests an activity and most say no. It’s like they do not want to make the effort to get up, put on shoes, drive somewhere!

We had to go out if we wanted to see friends so you’d go for a walk, meet at McDonald’s. I was a good kid but I am sure many were not meeting so innocently but the point is you had to get out and at least move your body and engage with a human. Smile at friend, make eye contact with cashier or other parent.

Different world for sure but we know there are multiple studies saying how isolated we are all becoming and if teens are the bell weather it is going to get worse.

Last point, you obviously care and want them to have friends but recognize you can’t make them for them. I’d keep lightly suggesting new things to try or engage with so at least they have the opportunity of meeting someone with similar interests to open them up.

Our last is off to college in Fall. The years you are in are really hard ( aren’t they all.) Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

16 year olds don't go out to a park to find friends to play with.

[Anonymous]

Some do, some don't. And 14 years olds definitely do, at least we did. Maybe that what teens need more of these days the ability to just go out and be a kid. I'd bet you that they'd like it to.

[Anonymous]

The older one should find some seasonal employment. There will be other kids his age there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

16 year olds don't go out to a park to find friends to play with.

Correct. In the 1970s maybe, teens would get stoned and drunk in a park with randos. Maybe you did that PP? Great start to life, well done.

Or maybe you're talking about the 1950s when CHILDREN played in the streets?

Either way, you're clearly ancient and / or out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

16 year olds don't go out to a park to find friends to play with.

Seriously. Completely unhelpful suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be too late for this year but look at REc-PAC at the schools or the parks authority in your area as they all hire 14-16 yr old for CIT type postings as my neighbor’s dd has been doing a while.

If religious, all the churches have VBS and look for teen helpers (7 th grade up.) May not be too late for this.

Pet rescues need teens/families for few hours on weekends to play and walk at the adoptions.

Neighborhood pool. Can lifeguard at 15 so they could spend the fall/winter getting certified.

Every single activity known to man is in the DMV!

For friends, it is the hard one as has to come from them. One of ours had/ has a big group of friends but is selective how much time he spends as needs a lot of down time. He also swims, works, and has a specific hobby.

Our other had friends through neighborhood and scouts but never latched on to anyone thing or group. Still like that in college. Had/has just enough to make him feel included, and now a girlfriend.

I am older mom so I am sure my view is rose-colored of days of yore but the smartphones, technology has made it worse/ more convenient/ or bad from wherever you stand on the issue.

I’ve discussed this with friends whose kids are the star athletes, popular, etc. and they often say they are home all the time alone ( exaggerating a bit.) But what we all see is that you don’t have to go any where to “see” your friends. They lay on the bed or sofa and chat, FaceTime, text. Someone suggests an activity and most say no. It’s like they do not want to make the effort to get up, put on shoes, drive somewhere!

We had to go out if we wanted to see friends so you’d go for a walk, meet at McDonald’s. I was a good kid but I am sure many were not meeting so innocently but the point is you had to get out and at least move your body and engage with a human. Smile at friend, make eye contact with cashier or other parent.

Different world for sure but we know there are multiple studies saying how isolated we are all becoming and if teens are the bell weather it is going to get worse.

Last point, you obviously care and want them to have friends but recognize you can’t make them for them. I’d keep lightly suggesting new things to try or engage with so at least they have the opportunity of meeting someone with similar interests to open them up.

Our last is off to college in Fall. The years you are in are really hard ( aren’t they all.) Wishing you the best!

While you are correct that kids lay around and text and FaceTime and play online games, it’s also true that kids are back to socializing, and making up for lost time like crazy.

So, OP’s concern is legit, and a warning for others that it’s really important to invest in friendships and work to make and maintain them! At this point, +100 on the job suggestions other PP’s gave. Your kids will likely have to wait until school starts to make additional friends.

[Anonymous]

They both say they don't like to socialize outside of school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

16 year olds don't go out to a park to find friends to play with.

Correct. In the 1970s maybe, teens would get stoned and drunk in a park with randos. Maybe you did that PP? Great start to life, well done.

And maybe all teens didn't go out and do stupid things. The last tike I checked if you under 8 you are a kid..
Or maybe you're talking about the 1950s when CHILDREN played in the streets?

Either way, you're clearly ancient and / or out of touch.

[Anonymous]

I meant that if you are under 18 then you are a kid. And yes, some teens don't want anything to do with causing trouble and will innocently go out and "play" or hang out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be too late for this year but look at REc-PAC at the schools or the parks authority in your area as they all hire 14-16 yr old for CIT type postings as my neighbor’s dd has been doing a while.

If religious, all the churches have VBS and look for teen helpers (7 th grade up.) May not be too late for this.

Pet rescues need teens/families for few hours on weekends to play and walk at the adoptions.

Neighborhood pool. Can lifeguard at 15 so they could spend the fall/winter getting certified.

Every single activity known to man is in the DMV!

For friends, it is the hard one as has to come from them. One of ours had/ has a big group of friends but is selective how much time he spends as needs a lot of down time. He also swims, works, and has a specific hobby.

Our other had friends through neighborhood and scouts but never latched on to anyone thing or group. Still like that in college. Had/has just enough to make him feel included, and now a girlfriend.

I am older mom so I am sure my view is rose-colored of days of yore but the smartphones, technology has made it worse/ more convenient/ or bad from wherever you stand on the issue.

I’ve discussed this with friends whose kids are the star athletes, popular, etc. and they often say they are home all the time alone ( exaggerating a bit.) But what we all see is that you don’t have to go any where to “see” your friends. They lay on the bed or sofa and chat, FaceTime, text. Someone suggests an activity and most say no. It’s like they do not want to make the effort to get up, put on shoes, drive somewhere!

We had to go out if we wanted to see friends so you’d go for a walk, meet at McDonald’s. I was a good kid but I am sure many were not meeting so innocently but the point is you had to get out and at least move your body and engage with a human. Smile at friend, make eye contact with cashier or other parent.

Different world for sure but we know there are multiple studies saying how isolated we are all becoming and if teens are the bell weather it is going to get worse.

Last point, you obviously care and want them to have friends but recognize you can’t make them for them. I’d keep lightly suggesting new things to try or engage with so at least they have the opportunity of meeting someone with similar interests to open them up.

Our last is off to college in Fall. The years you are in are really hard ( aren’t they all.) Wishing you the best!

NP.
PP, have to tell you what a kind and useful post this is compared to some of the others. I hope OP takes it to heart.