14 and 16yo with no close friends or activities - please help

[Anonymous]

Same deal with my step kids. Same ages. It used to worry me a little before the pandemic, but now I feel like it’s a blessing.

They do seem to have friends, since I hear them playing video games with them and laughing with them online.

I’m thinking once the fall starts and the kids go back in person, their lives might pick up a little more. I hope, anyway

I think this is just a weird time, with the pandemic and all. A lot of teens just aren’t socializing as much in person, I think.

[Anonymous]

OP- Are they not out and about because they haven't been vaccinated or because you haven't insisted they get a job, go to camp, do summer school, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

16 year olds don't go out to a park to find friends to play with.

This. We have to stop assuming things are the way they were when we were teens.

[Anonymous]

I try not to assume things about people. Some teens are like we were, some aren't. The poster who said go out and find their was simply suggesting that they go out and be kids. What's so wrong with that? Isn't that what kids should be doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try not to assume things about people. Some teens are like we were, some aren't. The poster who said go out and find their was simply suggesting that they go out and be kids. What's so wrong with that? Isn't that what kids should be doing?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but the PP who said this is not what kids do at that age now, she was right. ITS SAD, but true. Its not sad that they like different things, its sad that if they liked to go outdoors and meet people, they might not find anyone (!)

The problem is multilayered. We were living in isolation from each other before the pandemic. People no longer really know their neighbors. Its not a judgment against people who don't know their neighbors. I don't know mine all that much because we moved here just before the pandemic.

However everyone around here , for example, enrolls their kids in sports. If you arent into sports, too bad. I would never force my kid into sports to make friends. She has managed to find people locally through gaming. Now the challenge is finding people who are also vaccinated to get together with. My teen is 14, almost 15.

[Anonymous]

I know that things are different for kids now, and I do think that's incredibly sad. Maybe I'd do that with my own kids and have no luck, I have no idea. I wish kids were still like that. Especially older kids, hang on to being kid for a bit longer.

[Anonymous]

Op - here.
Thanks for all the suggestions. I passed them on to kids. They are both fully vaccinated and have supposedly looked into local jobs at ice cream store, bakery, fast food (16 yo did - 14 yo said he is too young) - but apparently didn't get the job. They feel they are too old for camp but don't want to be counselors (and those positions are filled already anyway according to them. They don't have enough swim skills to be lifeguards. They are open to volunteer jobs, but already have done Wider Circle and Food pantry-type volunteering through school & church. Is there some organization that they can apply to that will match them up with volunteer openings? I would like them to leave the house. They already did the make items at home, assemble kits & drop off volunteering - but I really think they need an in-person role with social interaction. They literally have not left the house it seems like in 1.5 years as they were totally online for school beginning March 2020. They are not doing summer school as they did reasonably well & wanted a break from online school! But they are really becoming hermits. I'm afraid I'll come home from work tomorrow, and they would not have left the house again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last summer, my kids did not socialize or do anything - of course, I felt bad but was busy working as was DH in the healthcare setting. This summer though again they have zero plans - but they are both fully vaccinated. They are OK students and say they have friends at school but don't like to socialize outside of school. They do whatever volunteer work is assigned through school or our church but nothing more. They are responsible and kind and don't cause any trouble, but they don't seem to have any motivation. The older one is apprehensive about driving and is taking driving classes but that's it. I feel they could and should do more. Any ideas about concrete steps to take to get a job or volunteer work?

Might be a good thing, not socializing. My son didn't have any friends/social life for the past year. He's out socializing again, but I hate his friend group. Bunch of Churchill students who smoke weed at Montgomery Mall.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are too shy to ask to see friends outside of school, they are definitely not going to meet kids hanging around a park.

Outside of the job suggestion (which may only work for the 16 yo) and camp counselor (which is probably too late for that) I would push them to invite one of those school friends over to the house. Really push them. Kids with anxieties (and I’m guessing that it’s not that they don’t want to hang out outside of school, it’s that they don’t know how to do it confidently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - here.
Thanks for all the suggestions. I passed them on to kids. They are both fully vaccinated and have supposedly looked into local jobs at ice cream store, bakery, fast food (16 yo did - 14 yo said he is too young) - but apparently didn't get the job. They feel they are too old for camp but don't want to be counselors (and those positions are filled already anyway according to them. They don't have enough swim skills to be lifeguards. They are open to volunteer jobs, but already have done Wider Circle and Food pantry-type volunteering through school & church. Is there some organization that they can apply to that will match them up with volunteer openings? I would like them to leave the house. They already did the make items at home, assemble kits & drop off volunteering - but I really think they need an in-person role with social interaction. They literally have not left the house it seems like in 1.5 years as they were totally online for school beginning March 2020. They are not doing summer school as they did reasonably well & wanted a break from online school! But they are really becoming hermits. I'm afraid I'll come home from work tomorrow, and they would not have left the house again.

Library might have opportunities, with summer reading programs.

You could also ship them off to a relatives, I think they need to be pushed out of their comfort zone bc they don’t sound like they are in a super healthy place

[Anonymous]

Tell them to choose a fall sport to try out for at their school — try outs begin August 2nd this year for most sports but golf if a bit earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

16 year olds don't go out to a park to find friends to play with.

This. The advice seems to be from the 1970s geared toward 9 year olds.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I'm not the original poster who suggested that the kids go out and find friends to play with. I commented and agreed with it, and I'm kind of shocked at the comments against it. Yes, I understand that the 16 year matmy be a bit old for that, but the 14 year old isn't. Even still no one is suggested that they be treated or act like their 3, but the suggestion that they go outside with friends and get fresh air. They ought to be to find something fun to do without getting into any trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open the front door and say go out. See you in four hours. They will find friends in the neighborhood. My mother never found me a friend. The neighborhood was full of kids and they played outside. I know today’s hermit generation is reluctant to venture outside. Half of it has been caused by helicopter parents who monitor the kids every movement and activity.

Completely agree! I'm so glad someone else said it.

WTF? 14 and 16 year olds are not "playing in the neighborhood." They are working, going to the gym, participating in summer swim team or other summer leagues for their sports, volunteering as CITs at camps, taking driver's ed, babysitting, taking a summer class and hanging out with friends that they already know from high school or extra curricular activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I'm not the original poster who suggested that the kids go out and find friends to play with. I commented and agreed with it, and I'm kind of shocked at the comments against it. Yes, I understand that the 16 year matmy be a bit old for that, but the 14 year old isn't. Even still no one is suggested that they be treated or act like their 3, but the suggestion that they go outside with friends and get fresh air. They ought to be to find something fun to do without getting into any trouble.

You clearly don't have teens this age.