I wish I was never born

[Anonymous]

It's the only solution I can think of that would have prevented the miserable and depressed life I have lived. I don't want to consider killing myself, would never do it because of my kids, but I truly truly wish I had never been born since I was born with this anomaly of a brain.

I have been depressed and anxious and screwed up my whole life. I know it was a mistake, and not my fault, but why was I born then? I haven't don't anything worthwhile other than have kids that lived with a depressed mother who married a man with problems, and added another mess to the world.


Depression is so horrible of a beast. If you try to hide it, it eats you up inside. If you express it, people don't like you, avoid you, or get annoyed and angry at you. I have nowhere to turn anymore except my therapist (just started). I hate what it has done to my life and it's not fair. I have never felt joy. I have taken up space here and it was a waste. No one can understand what it feels like to KNOW that you are depressed and know that your thinking is not right, but not be able to do anything about it or change it. I KNOW I should be different but I cannot for the life of me get a handle on it, despite trying meds, therapy in the past, etc.


If I could have one wish it would be this one....that I had never existed to begin with.


Sorry to be a downer, but I have tried. I told my husband that that is what I want written on my tombstone. She tried. Because I really did. Every second of every day I have fought this beast, but I'm not winning.

[Anonymous]

I totally get how you feel OP. Hang in there sister.

[Anonymous]

Hold on, OP. I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. Keep going to therapy. I'm so proud of you for starting that. Have you tried medications?

While I wish I could challenge your points about feeling worthless, I know how hard it is to not hear that voice in your head.

I do know this: any one good thing you can do for yourself or someone else each day is worthwhile. Even if it's just hugging your kids, or saying a prayer, or going for a walk, or making a small donation to a charity. If you can focus not on the overwhelming big picture, but on the one good thing you do for the world each day, maybe that will feel a little more manageable.

Take care, OP. I'm thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

OP. I am sorry. And it is not your fault. Are you spiritual? This has gotten me through hard times:

God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.

[Anonymous]

To your family you are the world. Continue therapy. Get your gut health checked.

[Anonymous]

The one possible helpful thing I can tell you is that I felt like this for years, but I don't feel that way any longer. I truly can't put myself back in that horrible, painful, self-despising mindset. And that means I walk around pretty ok. My problems are just problems, they don't prevent me from being happy.

I just did what you are pursuing: medication (not benzos! Antidepressants can help with anxiety as well as depression. Keep pursuing the right one. Ketamine has helped a lot of people and there are plenty of psychiatrists who can prescribe it if nothing else works). I also quit drinking because I'm an alcoholic. But my point is, I used to feel the way you feel, but I got better. And you can get better. Keep pursuing getting better. Protect that effort like your life depends on it. And hugs, big hugs. Life with depression is so very painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am sorry. And it is not your fault. Are you spiritual? This has gotten me through hard times:

God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.

Pp here. Cardinal John Newman

https://www.johnhenrynewmancatholiccollege.org.uk/john-henry-newman-prayers/#A4sth8gGRE

[Anonymous]

Great job on starting therapy and still trying OP! It's hard. DH and DD both struggle with depression, but they have hung in there through all the dark days and are finally in a better place with the right combination of meds and therapy. It look years for both of them and was excruciating at times, but they did get there eventually. Hang in there. And it is worth checking with a psychiatrist about your meds. DD's psychiatrist added Abilify and it made all the difference for her.

[Anonymous]

I applaud your strength. Your strength to keep trying. Your strength in seeking help through this. I struggle also, but can't bring myself to seek help, talk or try meds. My Mom lost the battle to this burden in her early 40s. I know the pain that lingers from that all too well.

May we find peace one day. Peace while living.

[Anonymous]

This is a physical ailment that is fixable. The first thing I would do is assess whether you are depressed because of your situation (Married, with kids, no time for yourself, money problems, etc) or is your situation more or less fine and you just feel like hell. If it is the second, how does your depression manifest yourself? Are you just really tired? (Possibly not depressed but anemic? Lacking vitamin D?) If it's been this way your whole life, try getting yourself into a study to try a new medicine - there are some great ones in this area - one of the benefits of living close to the NIH. They will pay your for your time and you might find one of the cutting edge medicines work for you. Look for ones that treat it as a physical problem and see about getting your DNA sequenced.

[Anonymous]

Although I understand hopelessness very well, look at your kids. They deserve better. Feeling this way is hurting them. Pick yourself up for them.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP, I understand and have felt that way. I started therapy at 62 and three years later I have a life I like and have joy. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I dissociate. I'm medicated for depression and take magnesium for anxiety. Therapy has taught me why I'm this way and it's clearly not my fault. I went through a period of anger that I lived with this for so long, but I've passed through that phase.

You can get through this, OP. Stick with therapy, do the homework, try to learn to meditate, get exercise and fresh air (even if its a simple walk), make sure you're sleeping.

The other side of this is peace, contentment, joy, and a free mind. Big hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Have you always felt like it would have been better if you had never been born? Like, always always? Or is it something you feel off and on, maybe for a few months at a time?

I am not religious at all but I do think often about Paul’s thorn in the flesh. He thought his suffering was ultimately for his own good, and I don’t think that is usually true for people, but sometimes life just hands us a raw deal. It’s random and it sucks but there is nothing we can do about it.

I think that once you can come to terms with the fact that that whatever bad thing you are going through is completely out of your control, you can at least stop feeling the extra anguish that comes with resenting the unfairness of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I am sorry. And it is not your fault. Are you spiritual? This has gotten me through hard times:

God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.

NP- This is so good.

[Anonymous]

I can relate, OP. Try to find some joy in the small things. Today, I baked some lemon blueberry muffins which my daughter and I ate while watching television. I’m going to play my instrument in a little bit and maybe clean the countertops until they sparkle. In prehistoric times humans had to spend most of their time thinking about how to stay safe and fed. This modern life allows our brains time to ruminate on things. It’s difficult and I don’t have any answers. I decided to have only one child and fortunately she was born happier than I.

I enjoy exercise but I am injured at the moment and frustrated about that. It’s just one thing after the next and old age is coming faster and faster every day. I truly don’t understand people whose argument against abortion is that no one would wish their mother didn’t have them. I wish that just about every day.