Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
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Anonymous
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I am so confused (and upset when I think too much)
Married 20 years. 3 teen kids We are both mid 40s We are best friends, have fun together. He’s very affectionate overall (lots of hugs/kisses but not passionate), great dad, gets along great with my family, incredibly considerate of me in every aspect of my life, likes to do stuff with me, wealthy/good looking. So basically, he’s perfect. I love him so much. Reasons I think he might be gay (and have had on/off thoughts over the years): Never had a lot of sex (from day one) We are from religiously conservative background so Never had premarital sex either. Long dry spells (even months) which I attributed to young kids and very busy careers. Recently, this has picked up at my insistence now that kids older. We have sex once/week but it’s not great. He’s always hurried, and tries to please me, but seems rushed overall and he orgasms rather quickly. It’s like a chore. He seems to think this is fine snd despite early attempts to guide him, I gave up. He says he has performance anxiety—and that’s why was fine to avoid sex earlier in our marriage. I wonder though? He is somewhat homophobic, which I read is a sign. For example, he doesn’t let our 9 yo son do anything that would be considered feminine like cooking. He gets upset if he acts like a girl while playing. He will sometimes make homophobic remarks—not hateful but kind of sarcastic/humorous that make it known that he does not approve of this lifestyle. And this is from an otherwise worldly , open minded person. He has several gay colleagues, acquaintances and a couple friends that he respects and likes very much. So it is a little weird. But again, we have a conservative religious background so it may stem from that. Dresses very well and cares about his appearance Has lots of guy friends. All happily married (most if the wives are my friends). But they do guy things together—sporting events, hikes. Lots of one-on-one stuff. He really seems like he’s happiest when he’s around his guy friends. I do know all of them, honestly. I do not suspect anything is going on, but he does seem overly happy when he’s with some of these friends. He recently became friends with a younger man (15 year difference) who came to him for mentorship. Now, my husband had been very open about this person and has invited him to our home and even asked this person to help our kids with their sports, etc. He has invited me to join them several times. They are friends and there had been nothing secretive as far as I know. But it strikes me as weird. They work together but do seem to work together more than he does with other colleagues/ Why is he befriending a single guy that is so much younger than him and in a different phase of life? . This man does not strike me as gay, but I am not a good judge. He is very attractive—but also a great guy overall so if there was no age difference I may not question the friendship. Husband has never seemed to look at another woman in the 20 years we’ve been married. I honestly thought that this was just because he loved/respected me and was just an amazing guy. But is that weird also? He does not watch homosexual porn, or any porn for that matter. He’s working from home. His devices are all accessible, I know his passwords. He’s an open book as far as I know. I am not concerned about any straight affairs. Am I being crazy? I am not looking to blow up my otherwise amazing relationship. If I brought up my concerns, he would (understandably) not take it well, it would change the dynamics of our marriage, embarrass him and forever change our marriage. Alternatively, if it’s true, and he admits it, it would also ruin our future, which I can’t fathom. Especially for my kids. Even if it did come out as true, with ur religious background, my husband may be willing to live the lie forever. And perhaps I would too. It’s too painful to think about. Not sure what to do, but the gnawing thought that my husband is gay will not go away. Could I be imagining everything though and reading more into things? |
Anonymous
| We have two teens and one 9 year old. Not three teens |
Anonymous
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Perhaps you were bitten by a tick and developed Lyme disease without knowing? Which can actually make you anxious and paranoid in some instances.
You have more sex than women who claim they have a lot of sex. I mean, he has been doing this and similar for years, why now? The young fella is the cause? Follow the receipts, that will show it. You literally described half of the European men! Not to mention the Korean younger gen! |
Anonymous
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The answer to your question is really quite simple - is he attracted to men? If so, yes, he's gay or bi. If not, he's not.
/thread |
Anonymous
| I don’t see any red flags. Most men I know have guy friends and do stuff with them. Orgasming quickly is typical as well (sadly). Homophobic comments should stop. I wouldn’t let your paranoia ruin your marriage. Just enjoy it. |
Anonymous
| If you're not happy with your sex life, perhaps you could try some sort of marital counseling. |
Anonymous
| He clearly loves you, respects you and treats you well. It doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere. If you don’t think he’s sleeping with anyone else and you have a happy life together, why rock the boat? If you think he may be cheating on you, it doesn’t matter whether it’s with a male or a female, either possibly puts your health at risk. |
Anonymous
| Some people just have low sex drive, I see it even in 20 year olds. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you talk to him? |
Anonymous
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As a former Mormon who knows a lot of people who are in and were in “mixed-orientation marriages,” he sounds gay to me.
Do you have a gay friend you could ask? Gay people are usually better about deciding if somebody else is gay. I have a lesbian friend and when I am curious about somebody I know (I know it was nosy of me to ask) she could tell just based on their social media profiles if they were closeted. She was right three out of three times. |
Anonymous
Sorry, not about “deciding,” more figuring out if they are gay. |
Anonymous
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Speaking as someone who just divorced her husband of 22 years because he was exchanging oral sex (at least) with men from Craigslist...yes, I think your husband sounds gay. The only sign from your list that I had is that he never looked at other women. The few times I walked in on my ex watching porn, it was always straight porn. But as someone pointed out to me, there are still men in straight porn.
The two things that seem most "damning" to me about your case is that he's simultaneously homophobic yet has gay friends and surrounds himself with men generally. My sister-in-law married and divorced a gay man, and he behaved exactly the same way -- homophobic yet close friends who were gay. And I agree that his close friendship with this younger guy is unusual. It's exactly the kind of "bridge too far" that two closeted guys think they can get away with but which raises the suspicions of everyone around them. That said, maybe it's not worth blowing up your life. Is it necessary for you to feel truly desired, or are you kinda low-libido yourself? |
Anonymous
| He sounds great besides the homophobia. What is the problem? |
Anonymous
| Maybe he is. So much of this is clouded by your religion. (which, by the way, you should shut down any homophobia, please. NOT okay.) Maybe he's bi. But also, after that many years with a person, it's hard to get excited for sex with them. |
Anonymous
| I'm 10:59 again. To clarify, I think ALL the reasons you list are signs, so when I said my gay ex only exhibited one of those, I was pointing out that closeted men have been exposed for a lot fewer reasons than you list! |