Is my husband gay or am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy when I was in HS who was a premature ejaculator. He had been molested (Catholic church, fellow altar boy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced the closeted husband. I am *shocked* by how oblivious most of you are. Everything the OP laid out is a red flag that I knew about even before having personal experience with the subject. When I found out my ex was sucking d***, my internal response was literally "but he's not homophobic and he doesn't have gay friends, so he can't be!" Those, together, are so often indicators.

Same.

And OP, if you find out he really is gay, it’s okay to get divorced. It’s okay to want to be with somebody of the same sexual orientation or at least that a marriage with somebody of a different sexual orientation isn’t going to work.

This is really getting ahead of things but there is this gay Mormon guy, Josh Weed, and he and his ex wife have been really open about their marriage and divorce and journey. They are such good friends and really sweet with each other, and the divorce was such a hard but happy thing for them both. If you find out your husband is gay, it’s really worth checking out.

https://joshweed.com/episodes/

[Anonymous]

I think it’s at least 40/60 that he’s gay.

[Anonymous]

OP tell him you want to feel desired and ask him to bend you over the kitchen table, see what he says. Clearly you are not satisfied with your sex life, that’s what you should focus your efforts on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a saying about leaving well enough alone. Why are you looking for trouble?

If your husband is not gay, you're basically accusing him of being gay. Not a good result.
If your husband is gay, your marriage and your kids' lives are ruined. Not a good result.
If you go on with your life, which sounds pretty terrific, and you stop trying to find trouble, you continue having a good life. Good result.

So yes, I think you are crazy and you should stop watching whatever you are watching on Netflix.

Unless he bring home STDs or leaves her later in life and its all been wasted.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if he is or not, but does it really matter? If you're happy and he's happy, who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a saying about leaving well enough alone. Why are you looking for trouble?

If your husband is not gay, you're basically accusing him of being gay. Not a good result.
If your husband is gay, your marriage and your kids' lives are ruined. Not a good result.
If you go on with your life, which sounds pretty terrific, and you stop trying to find trouble, you continue having a good life. Good result.

So yes, I think you are crazy and you should stop watching whatever you are watching on Netflix.

Unless he bring home STDs or leaves her later in life and its all been wasted.

Or he doesn't because he's not cheating on her and they grow old and die together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced the closeted husband. I am *shocked* by how oblivious most of you are. Everything the OP laid out is a red flag that I knew about even before having personal experience with the subject. When I found out my ex was sucking d***, my internal response was literally "but he's not homophobic and he doesn't have gay friends, so he can't be!" Those, together, are so often indicators.

Same.

And OP, if you find out he really is gay, it’s okay to get divorced. It’s okay to want to be with somebody of the same sexual orientation or at least that a marriage with somebody of a different sexual orientation isn’t going to work.

This is really getting ahead of things but there is this gay Mormon guy, Josh Weed, and he and his ex wife have been really open about their marriage and divorce and journey. They are such good friends and really sweet with each other, and the divorce was such a hard but happy thing for them both. If you find out your husband is gay, it’s really worth checking out.

https://joshweed.com/episodes/

This guy knew he was gay at 16 and told his wife he was gay before they married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as someone who just divorced her husband of 22 years because he was exchanging oral sex (at least) with men from Craigslist...yes, I think your husband sounds gay. The only sign from your list that I had is that he never looked at other women. The few times I walked in on my ex watching porn, it was always straight porn. But as someone pointed out to me, there are still men in straight porn.

The two things that seem most "damning" to me about your case is that he's simultaneously homophobic yet has gay friends and surrounds himself with men generally. My sister-in-law married and divorced a gay man, and he behaved exactly the same way -- homophobic yet close friends who were gay. And I agree that his close friendship with this younger guy is unusual. It's exactly the kind of "bridge too far" that two closeted guys think they can get away with but which raises the suspicions of everyone around them.

That said, maybe it's not worth blowing up your life. Is it necessary for you to feel truly desired, or are you kinda low-libido yourself?

You again? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if he is or not, but does it really matter? If you're happy and he's happy, who cares?

She is not happy with their sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced the closeted husband. I am *shocked* by how oblivious most of you are. Everything the OP laid out is a red flag that I knew about even before having personal experience with the subject. When I found out my ex was sucking d***, my internal response was literally "but he's not homophobic and he doesn't have gay friends, so he can't be!" Those, together, are so often indicators.

Same.

And OP, if you find out he really is gay, it’s okay to get divorced. It’s okay to want to be with somebody of the same sexual orientation or at least that a marriage with somebody of a different sexual orientation isn’t going to work.

This is really getting ahead of things but there is this gay Mormon guy, Josh Weed, and he and his ex wife have been really open about their marriage and divorce and journey. They are such good friends and really sweet with each other, and the divorce was such a hard but happy thing for them both. If you find out your husband is gay, it’s really worth checking out.

https://joshweed.com/episodes/

This guy knew he was gay at 16 and told his wife he was gay before they married.

And? The point of bringing him up isn’t to say his experience is the exact same as every other gay guy who marries a woman, just that a marriage like that that ends in divorce isn’t a failure and can be a really beautiful thing. As an ex-Mormon, I have seen it happen a ton.

Then again there are some people who seem to do okay in mixed-orientation marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am still shocked when people complain about sex once a week being married. That is not bad in a long relationship. I has an almost completely sexless marriage (I am talking no sex for almost the entire duration of the marriage, which was not short).

I don't see red flags here. I see possibly a mismatched libido, but overall, it seems pretty good to me. (divorced after a truly sexless marriage and no normal relationship of any kind withing the marriage.)

You are focused on the frequency and missing the quality/interest part. It seems as if he is doing his minimal duty once a week to keep up the facade. The fact that is is so regular like that, yet not enjoyed, is a part of the red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if he is or not, but does it really matter? If you're happy and he's happy, who cares?

Yeah, I agree with this. It doesn't sound like there is any indication of acting on gay desires, even if he has them. I also think everything you've described could easily be explained by a low sex drive and his religious upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He clearly loves you, respects you and treats you well. It doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere. If you don’t think he’s sleeping with anyone else and you have a happy life together, why rock the boat? If you think he may be cheating on you, it doesn’t matter whether it’s with a male or a female, either possibly puts your health at risk.

I agree with this poster. He appeared to love and respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still shocked when people complain about sex once a week being married. That is not bad in a long relationship. I has an almost completely sexless marriage (I am talking no sex for almost the entire duration of the marriage, which was not short).

I don't see red flags here. I see possibly a mismatched libido, but overall, it seems pretty good to me. (divorced after a truly sexless marriage and no normal relationship of any kind withing the marriage.)

You are focused on the frequency and missing the quality/interest part. It seems as if he is doing his minimal duty once a week to keep up the facade. The fact that is is so regular like that, yet not enjoyed, is a part of the red flag.

Well, OP is not enjoying it, for all we know this is very satisfactory and plenty of sex for him. Believe it or not that’s sex married sex for many women around the world, especially in conservative cultures.