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[quote=Anonymous]I am so confused (and upset when I think too much)

Married 20 years.
3 teen kids
We are both mid 40s
We are best friends, have fun together. He’s very affectionate overall (lots of hugs/kisses but not passionate), great dad, gets along great with my family, incredibly considerate of me in every aspect of my life, likes to do stuff with me,  wealthy/good looking. So basically, he’s perfect. I love him so much.

Reasons I think he might be gay (and have had on/off thoughts over the years):

Never had a lot of sex (from day one)
We are from religiously conservative background so Never had premarital sex either.
Long dry spells (even months) which  I attributed to young kids and very busy careers. Recently, this has picked up at my insistence now that kids older. 
We have sex once/week but it’s not great. He’s always hurried, and tries to please me, but seems rushed overall and he orgasms rather quickly. It’s like a chore.  He seems to think this is fine snd despite early attempts to guide him, I gave up. He says he has performance anxiety—and that’s why was fine to avoid sex earlier in our marriage. I wonder though?

He is somewhat homophobic, which I read is a sign. For example, he doesn’t let our 9 yo son do anything that would be considered feminine like cooking. He gets upset if he acts like a girl while playing. He will sometimes make homophobic remarks—not hateful but kind of sarcastic/humorous that make it known that he does not approve of this lifestyle. And this is from an otherwise worldly , open minded person. He has several gay colleagues, acquaintances and a couple friends that he respects and likes very much. So it is a little weird. But again, we have a conservative religious background so it may stem from that.

Dresses very well and cares about his appearance

Has lots of guy friends. All happily married (most if the wives are my friends). But they do guy things together—sporting events, hikes. Lots of one-on-one stuff. He really seems like he’s happiest when he’s around his guy friends. I do know all of them, honestly. I do not suspect anything is going on, but he does seem overly happy when he’s with some of these friends.

He recently became friends with a younger man (15 year difference) who came to him for mentorship. Now, my husband had been very open about this person and has invited him to our home and even asked this person to help our kids with their sports, etc. He has invited me to join them several times. They are friends and there had been nothing secretive as far as I know. But it strikes me as weird. They work together but do seem to work together more than he does with other colleagues/ Why is he befriending a single guy that is so much younger than him and in a different phase of life? . This man does not strike me as gay, but I am not a good judge. He is very attractive—but also a great guy overall so if there was no age difference I may not question the friendship.

Husband has never seemed to look at another woman in the 20 years we’ve been married. I honestly thought that this was just because he loved/respected me and was just an amazing guy. But is that weird also?

He does not watch homosexual porn, or any porn for that matter. He’s working from home. His devices are all accessible, I know his passwords. He’s an open book as far as I know.

I am not concerned about any straight affairs.

Am I being crazy? I am not looking to blow up my otherwise amazing relationship. If I brought up my concerns, he would (understandably) not take it well, it would change the dynamics of our marriage, embarrass him and forever change our marriage.
Alternatively, if it’s true, and he admits it,  it would also ruin our future, which I can’t fathom. Especially for my kids. Even if it did come out as true, with ur religious background, my husband may be willing to live the lie forever. And perhaps I would too. It’s too painful to think about.

Not sure what to do, but the gnawing thought that my husband is gay will not go away. Could I be imagining everything though and reading more into things?

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