DH pushes me away from DC

[Anonymous]

Not sure how to explain this. DH wants to be the "good guy" and triangulates with DC. It is (as DH intended) driving a wedge between me and DC.

As background, DH treats me the way he was treated by his family (DH was sidelined by siblings and parents, MIL was sidelined by FIL, and FIL was sidelined by his job, all on the regular, so it is a trickle down effect), and though his family is long overdue for professional help (re: the way they treat each other - their "assigned roles"/codependency/narcissism and general selfishness are completely dysfunctional), I am trying to work on me, and am getting discouraged about having to run interference for DH's antics. Please don't derail or blame I am looking for another route beside divorce or therapy (considered and underway, respectively). What I am looking for is wives (or husbands) who have been "sidelined" by their spouse, and constructive ways to help the situation. DH was always the "bad guy" (blamed/scapegoated/left out) in his family, and the family members (including DH) never really had friends/relationships, so I am sure that didn't help.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To add, DH finds it really important to "claim credit" and pushes me to the background. ex: I do the "easter bunny" stuff and DH takes credit - but DH does this with everything. Exhausting. It's like he wants to pretend I am not even here/in the picture, and is craving all this weird attention or something? Or jealous? Is that possible?

[Anonymous]

Can you provide some examples OP? Is this one of those....mom says no more snacks so dad goes and gives him some chips? A

[Anonymous]

I mean... can you just refuse to let him take credit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how to explain this. DH wants to be the "good guy" and triangulates with DC. It is (as DH intended) driving a wedge between me and DC.

As background, DH treats me the way he was treated by his family (DH was sidelined by siblings and parents, MIL was sidelined by FIL, and FIL was sidelined by his job, all on the regular, so it is a trickle down effect), and though his family is long overdue for professional help (re: the way they treat each other - their "assigned roles"/codependency/narcissism and general selfishness are completely dysfunctional), I am trying to work on me, and am getting discouraged about having to run interference for DH's antics. Please don't derail or blame I am looking for another route beside divorce or therapy (considered and underway, respectively). What I am looking for is wives (or husbands) who have been "sidelined" by their spouse, and constructive ways to help the situation. DH was always the "bad guy" (blamed/scapegoated/left out) in his family, and the family members (including DH) never really had friends/relationships, so I am sure that didn't help.

You are saying that your DH is *intentionally* driving a wedge between you and your child? That's toxic behavior-- and if you're convinced it's purposeful, it's grounds for separation.

If it's not purposeful, then you might consider that your DH is attempting to de-escalate struggles or ingratiate himself with your DS in a dysfunctional way (i.e. because he doesn't have the relationship or parenting skills to keep a united front under duress--e.g. maybe he's conflict averse or fears losing DS's love if he unites with you over expectations). This can cause a good guy/ bad guy dichotomy if it's a regular thing- and probably requires some therapy (marital, individual)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you provide some examples OP? Is this one of those....mom says no more snacks so dad goes and gives him some chips? A

OP here. No, not at all. I am not into controlling things like that. The weirdest example I can come up with is me doing the easter bunny responsibilities and DH taking credit; but DH is like that about a lot of things, mostly intangibles. To elaborate, I make plans for the kids, and DH will either try to sabotage it, or claim he did everything to make it happen. Bizarre. There is no simply enjoying something as a family. Another example: DH monopolizes conversations and expects me to do all the background work to make it happen (ie: having a meal together, but I am the one who plans/cooks/cleans/serves it). His family or origin is VERY old fashioned, obviously - that is just one example - but I did not want to get stuck on one example, as DCUM tends to do. DH seems to resent me for a lot of things, it is weird. I had a different upbringing, grew up with an enormous family and lots of socialization (whether or not I was up for it - but I don't want to get stuck on that) and DH grew up moving a lot, so I think he hates that my cousins are the same age as my kids, etc. Again, ot sure how to explain this - DH jockeys for attention if my cousins (their kids) do the same sport/hobby/whatever as my kids, over which they connect - DH will chime in "oh, did you know (DH's cousin) does THIS?!" Yes, it's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean... can you just refuse to let him take credit?

This. Or if he wants the credit, let him do the work. I also wonder if some of this is a control issue on your part. I've seen this "fun parent" vs "Mean parent" dynamic play out before and sometimes it's because the non fun parent is just too rigid.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what you're trying to explain with the cousin situation. Your husband sounds a bit awkward because of his upbringing, but you seem overly critical. It also doesn't sound like you stand up to him at all. Tell him you need help with the meals. Tell him he's in charge. Just stop doing all the things he takes credit for n

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you provide some examples OP? Is this one of those....mom says no more snacks so dad goes and gives him some chips? A

OP here. No, not at all. I am not into controlling things like that. The weirdest example I can come up with is me doing the easter bunny responsibilities and DH taking credit; but DH is like that about a lot of things, mostly intangibles. To elaborate, I make plans for the kids, and DH will either try to sabotage it, or claim he did everything to make it happen. Bizarre. There is no simply enjoying something as a family. Another example: DH monopolizes conversations and expects me to do all the background work to make it happen (ie: having a meal together, but I am the one who plans/cooks/cleans/serves it). His family or origin is VERY old fashioned, obviously - that is just one example - but I did not want to get stuck on one example, as DCUM tends to do. DH seems to resent me for a lot of things, it is weird. I had a different upbringing, grew up with an enormous family and lots of socialization (whether or not I was up for it - but I don't want to get stuck on that) and DH grew up moving a lot, so I think he hates that my cousins are the same age as my kids, etc. Again, ot sure how to explain this - DH jockeys for attention if my cousins (their kids) do the same sport/hobby/whatever as my kids, over which they connect - DH will chime in "oh, did you know (DH's cousin) does THIS?!" Yes, it's weird.

If you planned for and cooked the meal, can't you just say "Mommy made this for you"? Does he then argue that he's actually the one who cooked? Because that seems... not quite sane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean... can you just refuse to let him take credit?

This. Or if he wants the credit, let him do the work. I also wonder if some of this is a control issue on your part. I've seen this "fun parent" vs "Mean parent" dynamic play out before and sometimes it's because the non fun parent is just too rigid.

OP here. There might be something to this, as DH had two depressed/unengaged/"mean" parents - I think he carries that with him

When you se eDH's family together, you can cut the tension with a knife, and they slide into their old roles, so I have had to piece this together (like most of us) over the years. His mom kind of "holds court" - yes, it is awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you provide some examples OP? Is this one of those....mom says no more snacks so dad goes and gives him some chips? A

OP here. No, not at all. I am not into controlling things like that. The weirdest example I can come up with is me doing the easter bunny responsibilities and DH taking credit; but DH is like that about a lot of things, mostly intangibles. To elaborate, I make plans for the kids, and DH will either try to sabotage it, or claim he did everything to make it happen. Bizarre. There is no simply enjoying something as a family. Another example: DH monopolizes conversations and expects me to do all the background work to make it happen (ie: having a meal together, but I am the one who plans/cooks/cleans/serves it). His family or origin is VERY old fashioned, obviously - that is just one example - but I did not want to get stuck on one example, as DCUM tends to do. DH seems to resent me for a lot of things, it is weird. I had a different upbringing, grew up with an enormous family and lots of socialization (whether or not I was up for it - but I don't want to get stuck on that) and DH grew up moving a lot, so I think he hates that my cousins are the same age as my kids, etc. Again, ot sure how to explain this - DH jockeys for attention if my cousins (their kids) do the same sport/hobby/whatever as my kids, over which they connect - DH will chime in "oh, did you know (DH's cousin) does THIS?!" Yes, it's weird.

If you planned for and cooked the meal, can't you just say "Mommy made this for you"? Does he then argue that he's actually the one who cooked? Because that seems... not quite sane

It's more that he makes sure he is "holding court" (like his mom does, see above) and DC's attention is with him, not me. I do all the thankless jobs (again, like most of us) - which is fine, but there is no positivity in the room between me and anyone - like I don't exist or am being shoved out. Again, intangibles that are hard to explain. Like he actually wants me to be on the outs with the kids, he is craving attention. In his family, negative attention was better than no attention (that is how mean they were).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to grow a backbone OP

[Anonymous]

How does he respond if you call him out on it, whether in public or private? Did you say, "It hurt that you took credit for the Easter treats when I was the one to do all the work."?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you're trying to explain with the cousin situation. Your husband sounds a bit awkward because of his upbringing, but you seem overly critical. It also doesn't sound like you stand up to him at all. Tell him you need help with the meals. Tell him he's in charge. Just stop doing all the things he takes credit for n

It is something I am immersed in, after some years. So, thank you for pointing that out. I do need to stand up to him, but he wants to start a fight in front of the kids (to make me look like the bad guy, to further edge me out), so it is difficult. Very manipulative, like his mother. It's like I know what he is doing, and I walk on eggshells because I don't want my kids caught in the middle of his antics.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope. Stop doing any of this. If he wants a special meal, or to celebrate a holiday in a certain way, say "great! I look forward to seeing what you come up with". He cannot make you lift a finger. Once he sees how much work this is, perhaps he'll back off a bit.