Struggling to Support Unemployed Husband

[Anonymous]

My DH quit his finance job after almost a decade. He was really good at it and made a ton of money but had grown tired of the intense pace and long hours, and wanted to do something more meaningful. The idea was to take a break for a few months and get a less-intense job, still using his finance skills but in a nonprofit setting. He did the research on the kind of work he wanted to do, identified potential employers and roles, it is a growing field so seemed like a good plan. I was supportive of his idea, I could see he was totally exhausted and missed having him around (we have a young kid who barely saw him).

Well, a year later, he is still unemployed. His prior job was really niche and we're guessing employers don't think the experience transfers well. Everyone says to network, but he doesn't have a network - he's belatedly realizing that he neglected this, it wasn't necessary for his last job and it's not really his skill set. He's tried conferences, cold-emailing people, pro bono work in his target sector to show his interest, everything he can think of. Obviously the pandemic doesn't help.

Until recently, we were trying to focus on the positive, but after the last set of resumes sent into the void with no response, he's feeling quite hopeless and doesn't know what to do. He is leaning on me for support, but honestly, I feel hopeless too. He's tried everything with zero success. The niche he was working in before is a dying field, so even if he could handle the hours again, there's not much opportunity to go back there. He wants to go back to school, but I think mid-30s is too late and I don't want several more years with no income, plus there's no guarantee that a master's degree will help him break into the field. We have savings but we're going through them.

He really doesn't want to be a SAHD and I don't want to work full-time. I do freelance work and bring in some money. My experience is in a really low-paying field and we never planned to rely on me as primary earner.

We're fighting a lot about this, I feel resentful that he can't get a job and I hate that my friends pity us. I don't see a way out. We tried counseling but it's not really helpful. He doesn't have family (they passed) or friends (his friendships mostly disappeared because he was working all the time), so he has no one else to lean on but me.

By the way, we got together before he was rich and had a fancy job in finance. I am fine with him earning a lot less in the nonprofit sector. The problem is that he can't get a job, period.

[Anonymous]

You can both get jobs, just not the ones you want. Both of you should find full time jobs, even if one or both are retail. He can wait tables. He can do math test prep. Etc Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH quit his finance job after almost a decade. He was really good at it and made a ton of money but had grown tired of the intense pace and long hours, and wanted to do something more meaningful. The idea was to take a break for a few months and get a less-intense job, still using his finance skills but in a nonprofit setting. He did the research on the kind of work he wanted to do, identified potential employers and roles, it is a growing field so seemed like a good plan. I was supportive of his idea, I could see he was totally exhausted and missed having him around (we have a young kid who barely saw him).

Well, a year later, he is still unemployed. His prior job was really niche and we're guessing employers don't think the experience transfers well. Everyone says to network, but he doesn't have a network - he's belatedly realizing that he neglected this, it wasn't necessary for his last job and it's not really his skill set. He's tried conferences, cold-emailing people, pro bono work in his target sector to show his interest, everything he can think of. Obviously the pandemic doesn't help.

Until recently, we were trying to focus on the positive, but after the last set of resumes sent into the void with no response, he's feeling quite hopeless and doesn't know what to do. He is leaning on me for support, but honestly, I feel hopeless too. He's tried everything with zero success. The niche he was working in before is a dying field, so even if he could handle the hours again, there's not much opportunity to go back there. He wants to go back to school, but I think mid-30s is too late and I don't want several more years with no income, plus there's no guarantee that a master's degree will help him break into the field. We have savings but we're going through them.

He really doesn't want to be a SAHD and I don't want to work full-time. I do freelance work and bring in some money. My experience is in a really low-paying field and we never planned to rely on me as primary earner.

We're fighting a lot about this, I feel resentful that he can't get a job and I hate that my friends pity us. I don't see a way out. We tried counseling but it's not really helpful. He doesn't have family (they passed) or friends (his friendships mostly disappeared because he was working all the time), so he has no one else to lean on but me.

By the way, we got together before he was rich and had a fancy job in finance. I am fine with him earning a lot less in the nonprofit sector. The problem is that he can't get a job, period.

Sorry, OP, this is tough. Seems like some family counseling to help you both prioritize and figure out what you really want to do next could be helpful?

By the way, the idea that he is too old to go back to school for a masters in his mid-thirties is absurd! He has another 30 years of work-life ahead of him. From what you describe, he needs to update and adapt his skills in a new way. This may be just the time for more education.

[Anonymous]

Mid-30s is in no way too old to go back to school, and I don’t see why it should take him more than 2-3 years going full-time unless he’s planning to become a doctor or something.

It also sounds like you’re just as unwilling as him to bite the bullet and get a job that isn’t your ideal, but you see it as a flaw in him and a virtue in yourself.

[Anonymous]

My husband has had several period of unemployment, due to ADHD and Asperger's. The longest one lasted 18 months, and that was without a pandemic. He always worked in his field of expertise (scientific research), never anything else, and always kept trying to find jobs, in his own slow way, nothing intense or too social.

OP, you've just got to wait until more openings crop up. Mid-30s is still very much employable in his field. There's no ageism. You both have to be patient and keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Why did he quit without having another job lined up? That is just stupid. Sorry, but it is the truth. A resume gap does not bring interviews easily; also, nonprofits assume they can’t pay him or he will be bored. This was a really bad decision. He needs to get another job...and if still crickets, get an mba to explain the gap. You are going to have to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband working with a recruiter? Or just applying to openings online? Cold-emailing is definitely not the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did he quit without having another job lined up? That is just stupid. Sorry, but it is the truth. A resume gap does not bring interviews easily; also, nonprofits assume they can’t pay him or he will be bored. This was a really bad decision. He needs to get another job...and if still crickets, get an mba to explain the gap. You are going to have to get a job.

This, long hour/high pressure fields like finance/big law are filled with people who plan to make a bunch of money and then find a more rewarding job in 10 or 15 years, the problem is that there aren't enough of those jobs to go around and you're competing with people who have put in their dues at non-profits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband working with a recruiter? Or just applying to openings online? Cold-emailing is definitely not the way to go.

Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. He should connect with a headhunter if he hasn't already. They can be quite helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he quit without having another job lined up? That is just stupid. Sorry, but it is the truth. A resume gap does not bring interviews easily; also, nonprofits assume they can’t pay him or he will be bored. This was a really bad decision. He needs to get another job...and if still crickets, get an mba to explain the gap. You are going to have to get a job.

This, long hour/high pressure fields like finance/big law are filled with people who plan to make a bunch of money and then find a more rewarding job in 10 or 15 years, the problem is that there aren't enough of those jobs to go around and you're competing with people who have put in their dues at non-profits

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid-30s is in no way too old to go back to school, and I don’t see why it should take him more than 2-3 years going full-time unless he’s planning to become a doctor or something.

It also sounds like you’re just as unwilling as him to bite the bullet and get a job that isn’t your ideal, but you see it as a flaw in him and a virtue in yourself.

+1. I think going back to school is a reasonable suggestion and presumably you guys have savings to last for some time because he was a high earner? If not, maybe a mix of savings and student loans is the answer. Another option might be some sort of certificate in whatever field he is trying to get into and maybe that will be enough. Is there any adjacent career he could get into and maybe get his MBA or other certificate for the field he wants to get into at night? That's another option.

How old are the kids? If they are school-age it might make sense for you to ramp up and he can take classes while they are in school and handle homework, etc. when they are done. It might not make financial sense to put them in full-time daycare depending on your respective earning potential.

Also, consider downsizing your lifestyle (house, cars, etc.) to weather the financial situation. It sounds like he is being diligent with the job search and he just burnt out at the last job that he worked at for 10 years so I don't think you can be too hard on him here.

[Anonymous]

You can support him while he gets a masters. Sound like now is the time for you to trade off. He supported you, now it's your turn. My husband started nursing school two months after our daughter was born and at the time, the timing could not have been worse but he completed the program and works as an RN today.

If he gets himself back to employable then maybe you can go back to free lands part time. You might not even want to but it sounds like sacrificing to jump start his future will pay off later.

[Anonymous]

Anyone can get a job. My guess is he will not take a job that he feels is below him.

He could go get a job at target and will in a few months would probably be an AM making decent, not great money. But still have room to advance. He could go get a fiancé job at a construction company, service contractor or a lumber yard.

Fedex has great benefits, even for “part time” employees.

My guess is you all have some investments, so really all you need to cover is immediate bills. Unless you have a 10k mortgage you should have any problems covering those with a job he could get tomorrow.

The best way to get a job is to have a job, any job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can get a job. My guess is he will not take a job that he feels is below him.

He could go get a job at target and will in a few months would probably be an AM making decent, not great money. But still have room to advance. He could go get a fiancé job at a construction company, service contractor or a lumber yard.

Fedex has great benefits, even for “part time” employees.

My guess is you all have some investments, so really all you need to cover is immediate bills. Unless you have a 10k mortgage you should have any problems covering those with a job he could get tomorrow.

The best way to get a job is to have a job, any job.

he'd be lucky to get full time hours at target and finance jobs at contractors are a lot closer to bookkeeper jobs than finance (and there is competition for those jobs with people who have bookkeeping experience). He can get a job waiting tables and try to beef up his resume during the day either through school or volunteering

[Anonymous]

So, you don’t want to work full time because you never planned to support yourself? Sorry, life doesn’t always work according to your plans. If you are concerned about staying afloat, get a job, any job. You’ll quit it eventually when your husband finds something more suitable. And he should pick up some part time gig as well.