Struggling to Support Unemployed Husband

[Anonymous]

Not so sure I agree with suggestions to take jobs at minimum wage. It’s kind of hard to go from minimum wage to 200K plus. I’m all for working until he finds another job but don’t do that. Work off books. Try buying and selling. Cars, antiques, eBay. Keep it off books until he finds another high paying job.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a jerk OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not so sure I agree with suggestions to take jobs at minimum wage. It’s kind of hard to go from minimum wage to 200K plus. I’m all for working until he finds another job but don’t do that. Work off books. Try buying and selling. Cars, antiques, eBay. Keep it off books until he finds another high paying job.

Lol, there's no law that he has to put a job on his resume. He could work "on the books" at Target or Harris Teeter or whatever and just not include it in experience.... However, I do agree it's probably not worth it - those jobs are demanding and they're quite low-reward in terms of compensation/benefits. He absolutely will not want to come home from a full day on his feet dealing with customers to work on job hunting. His time would be better spent trying to get work or further education (I agree with the other posters who say mid-30s isn't too late! Executive MBAs are specifically meant for people in that age range, and there are always professional certificates he could work toward).



Also, to OP - Has he tried a head hunter? I work in finance (at a non-profit!) and was placed through a head hunter. It's very typical in this field that the jobs aren't even posted publicly.

[Anonymous]

1. Head hunter.
2. More school - a year should be enough. Executive MBA, certificate, etc. It explains the gap on the resume and also is a built-in network.
3. Keep doing what he is doing - volunteer stuff, etc. Just because it hasn’t worked yet doesn’t mean it won’t. There is a pandemic going on, but things are looking slightly better and probably will continue to do so.

[Anonymous]

Who is he?? I run a nonprofit and we would love to hire someone with this background, but we are not very big so don’t have as much resources to spend on recruiting so usually source from our immediate network. Where does he hang out? What online groups is he part of? I think you should think of this mostly as a “matching” problem and not a “no one wants me” problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he quit without having another job lined up? That is just stupid. Sorry, but it is the truth. A resume gap does not bring interviews easily; also, nonprofits assume they can’t pay him or he will be bored. This was a really bad decision. He needs to get another job...and if still crickets, get an mba to explain the gap. You are going to have to get a job.

This, long hour/high pressure fields like finance/big law are filled with people who plan to make a bunch of money and then find a more rewarding job in 10 or 15 years, the problem is that there aren't enough of those jobs to go around and you're competing with people who have put in their dues at non-profits

So true.

PP above who runs a small nonprofit. I would not blink at a resume gaps, care if someone only had a short tenure as long as it was at least a year, and I don’t have a specific preference for people who have paid their dues at nonprofits. The only reason we would be more likely to hire someone with previous nonprofit experience is it’s way easier to search on LinkedIn for people with previous nonprofit experience and put them in the sourcing pipeline than to figure out how to filter for people who don’t currently work in the nonprofit space but would like to switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH quit his finance job after almost a decade. He was really good at it and made a ton of money but had grown tired of the intense pace and long hours, and wanted to do something more meaningful. The idea was to take a break for a few months and get a less-intense job, still using his finance skills but in a nonprofit setting. He did the research on the kind of work he wanted to do, identified potential employers and roles, it is a growing field so seemed like a good plan. I was supportive of his idea, I could see he was totally exhausted and missed having him around (we have a young kid who barely saw him).

Well, a year later, he is still unemployed. His prior job was really niche and we're guessing employers don't think the experience transfers well. Everyone says to network, but he doesn't have a network - he's belatedly realizing that he neglected this, it wasn't necessary for his last job and it's not really his skill set. He's tried conferences, cold-emailing people, pro bono work in his target sector to show his interest, everything he can think of. Obviously the pandemic doesn't help.

Until recently, we were trying to focus on the positive, but after the last set of resumes sent into the void with no response, he's feeling quite hopeless and doesn't know what to do. He is leaning on me for support, but honestly, I feel hopeless too. He's tried everything with zero success. The niche he was working in before is a dying field, so even if he could handle the hours again, there's not much opportunity to go back there. He wants to go back to school, but I think mid-30s is too late and I don't want several more years with no income, plus there's no guarantee that a master's degree will help him break into the field. We have savings but we're going through them.

He really doesn't want to be a SAHD and I don't want to work full-time. I do freelance work and bring in some money. My experience is in a really low-paying field and we never planned to rely on me as primary earner.

We're fighting a lot about this, I feel resentful that he can't get a job and I hate that my friends pity us. I don't see a way out. We tried counseling but it's not really helpful. He doesn't have family (they passed) or friends (his friendships mostly disappeared because he was working all the time), so he has no one else to lean on but me.

By the way, we got together before he was rich and had a fancy job in finance. I am fine with him earning a lot less in the nonprofit sector. The problem is that he can't get a job, period.

Perhaps take your blinders off. You listed three possible partial solutions. If you're not willing to adapt you will most likely continue to struggle.

[Anonymous]

Separate the issues of

- supporting his seeking a new job
- your own feelings of disappointment/resentment
- your own feelings of shame
- your DH’s feelings of disappointment/ hopelessness

Right now you are thinking all of these can be solved if you DH just gets a new job. This puts all the pressure on him. However, you can address your own feelings of disappointment and shame without your DH getting a new job. And your DH can seek help from a resume coach or headhunter on finding a job, and also seeking therapy to address is own feelings.

My mom was a SAHM for 25 years when my father became unemployed. She got a job after about 12 months, he finally found another job after 18 months (in his late 50s), but had to reimagine his career, which was really hard for him. He became depressed during his unemployment, but finally climbed out of it. My mom was upset and frustrated when he was depressed, but ultimately started looking for work. She switched jobs twice before finding an opportunity that she loved, and kept working even after my father was employed again.

[Anonymous]

You don't give a calendar date as to when he quit, but if he quit just as the pandemic was beginning and hasn't found a job yet, I don't think we can infer he won't be able to find a job. I also think the gap on his resume of March 2020-April 2021 won't necessarily scare employers away. We are the midst of a historic pandemic with severe economic fallout. If I were an employer, I might wait until the dust settle from the pandemic before hiring someone. You may just have to hold on tight until the pandemic recedes. Make sure to take advantage of any assistance (e.g. mortgage deferral, rent deferral, stimulus checks, etc.) that is available in the mean time.

[Anonymous]

This won't help you now OP and I don't want to rub salt in your wound, so this is more for others reading along, but my family always told me, never quit a job until you have another one lined up.

[Anonymous]

Do not waste your mental energy worrying about what your friends think of you, or their “pity”. You have nothing to be ashamed of; countless people have been in your position and I imagine you wouldn’t judge or pity them, would you? You have choices and this is a temporary situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't give a calendar date as to when he quit, but if he quit just as the pandemic was beginning and hasn't found a job yet, I don't think we can infer he won't be able to find a job. I also think the gap on his resume of March 2020-April 2021 won't necessarily scare employers away. We are the midst of a historic pandemic with severe economic fallout. If I were an employer, I might wait until the dust settle from the pandemic before hiring someone. You may just have to hold on tight until the pandemic recedes. Make sure to take advantage of any assistance (e.g. mortgage deferral, rent deferral, stimulus checks, etc.) that is available in the mean time.

Agree the gap is not a big deal in the pandemic. And of course he can offer parenting as a reason, since it's so hard to find childcare and risky to use it. Hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not so sure I agree with suggestions to take jobs at minimum wage. It’s kind of hard to go from minimum wage to 200K plus. I’m all for working until he finds another job but don’t do that. Work off books. Try buying and selling. Cars, antiques, eBay. Keep it off books until he finds another high paying job.

Does not need to go on a resume. Think of it as a side hustle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can get a job. My guess is he will not take a job that he feels is below him.

He could go get a job at target and will in a few months would probably be an AM making decent, not great money. But still have room to advance. He could go get a fiancé job at a construction company, service contractor or a lumber yard.

Fedex has great benefits, even for “part time” employees.

My guess is you all have some investments, so really all you need to cover is immediate bills. Unless you have a 10k mortgage you should have any problems covering those with a job he could get tomorrow.

The best way to get a job is to have a job, any job.

I would not take this advice. Finding a job itself can/should be a full time job. There's research on potential employers, networking, interviews, etc. Time spent at Target is time he can't research and learn about other jobs interview, etc.. Of course, at some point he may have to take the Target job to keep a roof over their head. But this should be a last resort. For "tiding over" jobs He should also aim for job with flexible schedules that he can control so that he can continue to search for a job in his chosen field.

[Anonymous]

Is he writing targeted cover letters that explain his desire for a career change and why his skills would be a fit for the job he's applying for? Nonprofit employers might be assuming he doesn't really want to work in that sector and/or they can't match his salary expectations. If he hasn't even been getting interviews, he likely needs to work on his application materials. Askamanager.org is a great resource.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend going back to school unless he has a clear career path in mind and the degree is necessary to facilitate that. (I speak as someone with a useless master's degree that didn't help me break into the field.)