Some concerns about wedding, house and kids
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Anonymous
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I am 34, and I have been dating a guy (age 35) for almost a year. I am high school grad, and I am currently unemployed (was a low pay job), have no savings, and lives with my elderly parents. I am hoping to get married soon and I want to have kids & to be a housewife.
Because of my age, I don't have too much time to waste to have 1 or 2 kids. And, because of our heritages, we cannot have kids till after we get married. The guy I date seems to be a decent guy, and I get some hints that he may pop the question to me next year. He tells me once that he will definitely buy a house before we gets married. Currently, he is living with some friends together. My family has been asking me some questions that I don't know how to answer, and they have been pushing me to get married soon. 1) My parents have traditional mindset, and they want a wedding reception here and back at hometown (foreign county). With covid, I don't think it is realistic to have any reception, but I am also not satisfied with getting married without reception (city hall marriage certificate only). Because of my age, both parents of my side & his side want us to get married soon to have grandkids. What are the best solutions? How about honeymoon? Do you think it is realistic to think everything will be back to normal at the end of next year? 2) If he decides to buy a house before we get married, normally will he also put my name on the house? I don't have any savings or income, is it reasonable for me to request him to put my name on it as well? Does it matter if we get divorced one day and my name is not on this pre-married purchased property? If we get married, we will get married in Maryland. 3) His parents express their wishes for us to have grandkid as soon as possible if we decide to get married. Because of my age, I understand that I will be considered high risk if I get pregnant. I do want kids, but do couple try to have kids right away after they get married? Is this common? I am not planning to work anymore, and stay as a housewife once I get married. Thank you. |
Anonymous
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If you personally don't care about the big wedding (and it sounds like you don't), I'd have a small ceremony with maybe 20 or so guests + important family and call it a day. Covid is the greatest excuse ever to elope - even in a foreign family with heavy expectations about a big wedding.
Use the money that would have been the wedding fund (I assume your parents would help with that) to buy the house with the husband and get it in writing that your down payment/dowry whatever you want to call it is part of the home equity. So yes - your name would be on the title. Of course, I'd gently bring this up with the fiance before anyone else then you two can feel out the parents - would they be willing to forgo the big wedding in multiple countries for grandkids sooner. I suspect they would from your description. |
Anonymous
| How will you pay for a wedding and honeymoon with no income or savings? |
Anonymous
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Does your boyfriend know that you plan to stay at home? Does he make enough to support you and a family?Make sure you’re on the same page.
If you will be 35 when you marry and you want kids then start trying right away. It can’t hurt to get a fertility work up done for both of you ahead of time. |
Anonymous
Well it sounds like her boyfriend has money. Maybe there is money in their families too. 1. If you want to get married, get married. have a small reception now and when Covid is more in control, you can have a big reception in your country of origin. Don't worry about a honeymoon right now. These things dont' matter in the grand scheme of getting married and really should not be weighing in on your decision to get married. 2. Yes you want your name on the deed. 3. It really doesn't matter what your parents or his parents want. If you both want kids right away, start trying right away. If you want to enjoy married life or get your finances in order first, do that. You two should be the only ones deciding when the right time to start trying is. I say this nicely OP, but you need to become more independent before you get married or have kids. Your entire thinking process if very juvenile and you seem to be very dependent on what others think. |
Anonymous
Wrong. I say this from the perspective of someone who deals with heavily traditional immigrant families (and OP clearly is living at home at 35) - the parents wishes matter a lot. If they aren't taken into consideration her life will be hell - from her own parents or her in-laws. If she takes them into consideration in this choice, she could easily make her life far easier. It sounds like they like the boyfriend/fiance already so the hard part is over. Once they are on board for a low-cost wedding or civil ceremony - immigrant parents will often pay for the new family's start on life. House, baby daycare, or a car etc. Don't give advice if you don't know the backstory. |
Anonymous
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I refused to have kids on anyone else's time-table. I don't care how much OTHER people want grandkids. I was not going to get pregnant until *I* was ready for that, and all that entails. They will live with the disappointment.
You need to talk to him about the house-buying. What if ten years from now he is abusive and you have to divorce? You would have NOTHING. Minimal education so difficulty getting a job that can support you, and no rights to the home. If your parents are dead by then, where would you go? Health comes before parties. Is having a wedding reception more important to you than having your parents alive? How would you feel if your parents got Covid at your wedding reception and it killed them? Because that is something that happens. Honeymoons often wait - 6 months, or six years after the wedding. Isn't the important thing that you and your love are married, and not that you have a big party or a honeymoon? It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding. FYI, my SIL gave birth at 43 to a healthy baby with zero complications at all. Do not rush having a baby. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you need to re-think your priorities. First, how is it that you are 35 with no education and no savings? Maybe you should focus on getting a job or working on an Associate's degree so that you can earn some money. Putting your faith in a man to always earn all the money and never divorce you is foolish, and what if he gets sick or loses his job? Also he may not tolerate you being a SAHM for the rest of your life. What will you do all day when the children are in school?
Tell your parents that if grandkids are the priority, you need a small civil marriage as soon as possible so you can start trying to get pregnant. Have a reception dinner with just family at a restaurant or home. You can plan the bigger receptions for when COVID is over. And who is paying for these two receptions? Your parents need to think about what they are asking your man to pay for and whether it is reasonable. You seem to have very high expectations for someone with no job, no savings, and no earning ability. You are almost 35 already so there is no time to lose. If you prioritize these receptions you will be 36 before you even begin trying to get pregnant. Yes it works for some people, but for a lot of people it does not work. |
Anonymous
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OP, the honeymoon does not matter at all. Lots of people don't bother or just go away for a weekend. It should be your last priority. You can do it later.
Some people are married for a year before pregnancy. Some people are not. At your age, some people start trying for a baby a few months prior to the wedding. If children are a priority for you, especially if you want more than one child, do not delay. More generally, it seems like you are trying to satisfy your traditional parents and also do what is normal for Americans. But in this country there are lots of ways to marry and have children. There isn't just one way to do it. Most importantly pick the way that is right for you, that focuses on your highest priorities. |
Anonymous
Oh man, this has red flags all over it, but I'm gonna single out this. He "seems" like a good guy? How long have you been dating? How are you not 100% sure he's a good guy? And what's with the hints? You are adults. You need to have open discussions about marriage, not hints. Get a house after you get married so 1. Your name is on it and 2. You get to help pick it out. It seems like you're overly concerned with what everyone else wants - your boyfriend, his parents, your parents. What do YOU want? Beyond just being a housewife and having kids? Let me tell ya, I *thought* all I wanted was to be a housewife and mom, so that's what I did and it's NOT a fulfilling existence. It won't magically make you happy. You don't need to run out and get a career today, but you need to have more in your life than just making everyone else happy. That's a miserable way to live. |
Anonymous
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If you want to be married with kids, prioritize those. You don't need to own a house and you don't need to wait until it's safe enough for a big reception. Yes, it's disappointing, but holding up your life and putting off starting a family for a big reception or two is even more risky.
My take on this, personally, is that my mom had fertility issues for years before she had me and she started trying in her early 20s, so I didn't want to wait to have everything in place. I also wanted to be married before moving in with my husband. We have two kids, the oldest is 6, and we lived in an apartment until 3 months ago when we finally bought a house. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. |
Anonymous
Yes, because giving into the emotional terrorists' demands is a great way to live your life 
Boundaries, people. I say this as someone from a "traditional" family who tried to make my life a living hell. Now they'll never see me or my kids again. Their loss. |
Anonymous
| Use the $ to get a college degree. |
Anonymous
This. OP, are your parents wealthy? If not, you need to think about your earning ability. If you are thinking about the house in divorce, why not also think of what happens to your income? You will need to get a job if you divorce. Or even if you don't, anything can go wrong in your husband's health or career and you will want to be able to earn some money. Do not spend on expensive receptions and honeymoon! You are vulnerable here and you need to open your eyes to it. In this country it is unusual to be a SAHM forever. It is common to work part time when the youngest child enters school. Your husband may want this or you may really need the money. |
Anonymous
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I mean this nicely OP but you need to do what is best for you and stop thinking about what "your culture" wants. You are the only who has to live your life and accept your choices. Your parents had their turn, now is is your turn. Do what you want and what is best for you to achieve the goals you have in mind for yourself. You live in the US, no one else cares if you have a baby and aren't married, move in with your boyfriend, what ever it is you want to do that you are afraid you can't because of your culture. The only people that will shame you about this is your immediate family. What will they do? Spank you? Disown you? If they do, good riddance.
You NEED a savings and education. There is no way around that, married or not. Work on that. Otherwise, stop being tied to outdated and irrelevant cultural expectations. |