Some concerns about wedding, house and kids

[Anonymous]

I'm curious why the choice is between reception and civil marriage. A reception and a wedding are two different things. If OP does not want a civil marriage, then I assume OP has a religious faith. She can still have the religious ceremony without the reception, right?

If the families are a big part of this, can they be a backup for getting your name on the house deed? It's no big deal to add your name to the deed if everyone is on board.

[Anonymous]

Your name can be added to the deed after you’re married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refused to have kids on anyone else's time-table. I don't care how much OTHER people want grandkids. I was not going to get pregnant until *I* was ready for that, and all that entails. They will live with the disappointment.

You need to talk to him about the house-buying. What if ten years from now he is abusive and you have to divorce? You would have NOTHING. Minimal education so difficulty getting a job that can support you, and no rights to the home. If your parents are dead by then, where would you go?

Health comes before parties. Is having a wedding reception more important to you than having your parents alive? How would you feel if your parents got Covid at your wedding reception and it killed them? Because that is something that happens.

Honeymoons often wait - 6 months, or six years after the wedding. Isn't the important thing that you and your love are married, and not that you have a big party or a honeymoon? It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding.

FYI, my SIL gave birth at 43 to a healthy baby with zero complications at all. Do not rush having a baby.

FYI I am 35 and cannot get pregnant. Thanks for your antedotal story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you pay for a wedding and honeymoon with no income or savings?

Well it sounds like her boyfriend has money. Maybe there is money in their families too.

1. If you want to get married, get married. have a small reception now and when Covid is more in control, you can have a big reception in your country of origin. Don't worry about a honeymoon right now. These things dont' matter in the grand scheme of getting married and really should not be weighing in on your decision to get married.

2. Yes you want your name on the deed.

3. It really doesn't matter what your parents or his parents want. If you both want kids right away, start trying right away. If you want to enjoy married life or get your finances in order first, do that. You two should be the only ones deciding when the right time to start trying is.

I say this nicely OP, but you need to become more independent before you get married or have kids. Your entire thinking process if very juvenile and you seem to be very dependent on what others think.

Wrong. I say this from the perspective of someone who deals with heavily traditional immigrant families (and OP clearly is living at home at 35) - the parents wishes matter a lot. If they aren't taken into consideration her life will be hell - from her own parents or her in-laws.

If she takes them into consideration in this choice, she could easily make her life far easier. It sounds like they like the boyfriend/fiance already so the hard part is over. Once they are on board for a low-cost wedding or civil ceremony - immigrant parents will often pay for the new family's start on life. House, baby daycare, or a car etc.

Don't give advice if you don't know the backstory.

Yes, because giving into the emotional terrorists' demands is a great way to live your life

Boundaries, people. I say this as someone from a "traditional" family who tried to make my life a living hell. Now they'll never see me or my kids again. Their loss.

This does not actually promote your interpersonal skills, you know that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you pay for a wedding and honeymoon with no income or savings?

Well it sounds like her boyfriend has money. Maybe there is money in their families too.

1. If you want to get married, get married. have a small reception now and when Covid is more in control, you can have a big reception in your country of origin. Don't worry about a honeymoon right now. These things dont' matter in the grand scheme of getting married and really should not be weighing in on your decision to get married.

2. Yes you want your name on the deed.

3. It really doesn't matter what your parents or his parents want. If you both want kids right away, start trying right away. If you want to enjoy married life or get your finances in order first, do that. You two should be the only ones deciding when the right time to start trying is.

I say this nicely OP, but you need to become more independent before you get married or have kids. Your entire thinking process if very juvenile and you seem to be very dependent on what others think.

Wrong. I say this from the perspective of someone who deals with heavily traditional immigrant families (and OP clearly is living at home at 35) - the parents wishes matter a lot. If they aren't taken into consideration her life will be hell - from her own parents or her in-laws.

If she takes them into consideration in this choice, she could easily make her life far easier. It sounds like they like the boyfriend/fiance already so the hard part is over. Once they are on board for a low-cost wedding or civil ceremony - immigrant parents will often pay for the new family's start on life. House, baby daycare, or a car etc.

Don't give advice if you don't know the backstory.

This is wrong. Her parents likely got married back in their home country where cultural influence and doing what is socially/religiously acceptable matters A LOT. It can ruin a person if they stray, especially a woman.

But not here. The whole village/neighborhood isn't going to shun her if she has a baby isn't married. Her neighbors don't care. Her employer doesn't care. Her best friend won't care. The repercussions of what will happen HERE if you don't do what your parents want are all in your head OP. No one else will side with her parents' misogynistic views. Live how you would want to raise your kids OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you pay for a wedding and honeymoon with no income or savings?

Well it sounds like her boyfriend has money. Maybe there is money in their families too.

1. If you want to get married, get married. have a small reception now and when Covid is more in control, you can have a big reception in your country of origin. Don't worry about a honeymoon right now. These things dont' matter in the grand scheme of getting married and really should not be weighing in on your decision to get married.

2. Yes you want your name on the deed.

3. It really doesn't matter what your parents or his parents want. If you both want kids right away, start trying right away. If you want to enjoy married life or get your finances in order first, do that. You two should be the only ones deciding when the right time to start trying is.

I say this nicely OP, but you need to become more independent before you get married or have kids. Your entire thinking process if very juvenile and you seem to be very dependent on what others think.

Wrong. I say this from the perspective of someone who deals with heavily traditional immigrant families (and OP clearly is living at home at 35) - the parents wishes matter a lot. If they aren't taken into consideration her life will be hell - from her own parents or her in-laws.

If she takes them into consideration in this choice, she could easily make her life far easier. It sounds like they like the boyfriend/fiance already so the hard part is over. Once they are on board for a low-cost wedding or civil ceremony - immigrant parents will often pay for the new family's start on life. House, baby daycare, or a car etc.

Don't give advice if you don't know the backstory.

This is wrong. Her parents likely got married back in their home country where cultural influence and doing what is socially/religiously acceptable matters A LOT. It can ruin a person if they stray, especially a woman.

But not here. The whole village/neighborhood isn't going to shun her if she has a baby isn't married. Her neighbors don't care. Her employer doesn't care. Her best friend won't care. The repercussions of what will happen HERE if you don't do what your parents want are all in your head OP. No one else will side with her parents' misogynistic views. Live how you would want to raise your kids OP.

No, she’s 34 and still lives with her parents. Her entire social circle probably consists of her parents and other people from her culture who still observe traditional norms. They absolutely will shun her if strays from tradition. Even her boyfriend might not be on board bc he is from the same culture. That being said, I’m very curious what culture she’s from where having zero education at 34 is acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious why the choice is between reception and civil marriage. A reception and a wedding are two different things. If OP does not want a civil marriage, then I assume OP has a religious faith. She can still have the religious ceremony without the reception, right?

If the families are a big part of this, can they be a backup for getting your name on the house deed? It's no big deal to add your name to the deed if everyone is on board.

In my husband’s culture, the reception isn’t religiously significant (in fact many people get legally married months before the reception and all the religious aspects are completely private and not performed in front of the wedding guests) but it’s still a huge deal and culturally very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you pay for a wedding and honeymoon with no income or savings?

Well it sounds like her boyfriend has money. Maybe there is money in their families too.

1. If you want to get married, get married. have a small reception now and when Covid is more in control, you can have a big reception in your country of origin. Don't worry about a honeymoon right now. These things dont' matter in the grand scheme of getting married and really should not be weighing in on your decision to get married.

2. Yes you want your name on the deed.

3. It really doesn't matter what your parents or his parents want. If you both want kids right away, start trying right away. If you want to enjoy married life or get your finances in order first, do that. You two should be the only ones deciding when the right time to start trying is.

I say this nicely OP, but you need to become more independent before you get married or have kids. Your entire thinking process if very juvenile and you seem to be very dependent on what others think.

Wrong. I say this from the perspective of someone who deals with heavily traditional immigrant families (and OP clearly is living at home at 35) - the parents wishes matter a lot. If they aren't taken into consideration her life will be hell - from her own parents or her in-laws.

If she takes them into consideration in this choice, she could easily make her life far easier. It sounds like they like the boyfriend/fiance already so the hard part is over. Once they are on board for a low-cost wedding or civil ceremony - immigrant parents will often pay for the new family's start on life. House, baby daycare, or a car etc.

Don't give advice if you don't know the backstory.

This is wrong. Her parents likely got married back in their home country where cultural influence and doing what is socially/religiously acceptable matters A LOT. It can ruin a person if they stray, especially a woman.

But not here. The whole village/neighborhood isn't going to shun her if she has a baby isn't married. Her neighbors don't care. Her employer doesn't care. Her best friend won't care. The repercussions of what will happen HERE if you don't do what your parents want are all in your head OP. No one else will side with her parents' misogynistic views. Live how you would want to raise your kids OP.

No, she’s 34 and still lives with her parents. Her entire social circle probably consists of her parents and other people from her culture who still observe traditional norms. They absolutely will shun her if strays from tradition. Even her boyfriend might not be on board bc he is from the same culture. That being said, I’m very curious what culture she’s from where having zero education at 34 is acceptable.

This. No education and single at 34, yet expecting to marry a man wealthy enough to provide two receptions, honeymoon, and house? Something's not fitting together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you pay for a wedding and honeymoon with no income or savings?

Well it sounds like her boyfriend has money. Maybe there is money in their families too.

1. If you want to get married, get married. have a small reception now and when Covid is more in control, you can have a big reception in your country of origin. Don't worry about a honeymoon right now. These things dont' matter in the grand scheme of getting married and really should not be weighing in on your decision to get married.

2. Yes you want your name on the deed.

3. It really doesn't matter what your parents or his parents want. If you both want kids right away, start trying right away. If you want to enjoy married life or get your finances in order first, do that. You two should be the only ones deciding when the right time to start trying is.

I say this nicely OP, but you need to become more independent before you get married or have kids. Your entire thinking process if very juvenile and you seem to be very dependent on what others think.

Wrong. I say this from the perspective of someone who deals with heavily traditional immigrant families (and OP clearly is living at home at 35) - the parents wishes matter a lot. If they aren't taken into consideration her life will be hell - from her own parents or her in-laws.

If she takes them into consideration in this choice, she could easily make her life far easier. It sounds like they like the boyfriend/fiance already so the hard part is over. Once they are on board for a low-cost wedding or civil ceremony - immigrant parents will often pay for the new family's start on life. House, baby daycare, or a car etc.

Don't give advice if you don't know the backstory.

This is wrong. Her parents likely got married back in their home country where cultural influence and doing what is socially/religiously acceptable matters A LOT. It can ruin a person if they stray, especially a woman.

But not here. The whole village/neighborhood isn't going to shun her if she has a baby isn't married. Her neighbors don't care. Her employer doesn't care. Her best friend won't care. The repercussions of what will happen HERE if you don't do what your parents want are all in your head OP. No one else will side with her parents' misogynistic views. Live how you would want to raise your kids OP.

No, she’s 34 and still lives with her parents. Her entire social circle probably consists of her parents and other people from her culture who still observe traditional norms. They absolutely will shun her if strays from tradition. Even her boyfriend might not be on board bc he is from the same culture. That being said, I’m very curious what culture she’s from where having zero education at 34 is acceptable.

To be fair OP never said her level of education was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refused to have kids on anyone else's time-table. I don't care how much OTHER people want grandkids. I was not going to get pregnant until *I* was ready for that, and all that entails. They will live with the disappointment.

You need to talk to him about the house-buying. What if ten years from now he is abusive and you have to divorce? You would have NOTHING. Minimal education so difficulty getting a job that can support you, and no rights to the home. If your parents are dead by then, where would you go?

Health comes before parties. Is having a wedding reception more important to you than having your parents alive? How would you feel if your parents got Covid at your wedding reception and it killed them? Because that is something that happens.

Honeymoons often wait - 6 months, or six years after the wedding. Isn't the important thing that you and your love are married, and not that you have a big party or a honeymoon? It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding.

FYI, my SIL gave birth at 43 to a healthy baby with zero complications at all. Do not rush having a baby.

FYI I am 35 and cannot get pregnant. Thanks for your antedotal story

And you may have had problems getting pregnant at 23. People act like all your eggs suddenly shrivel at 30 or something. Age is a factor, but so are so many other things.

[Anonymous]

You seem like a catch. I'm surprised your boyfriend isn't rushing to lock this down.

[Anonymous]

OP - you do not have the luxury of time. You need to go to the courthouse, get married, and start your family. Take the baby with you to meet the relatives overseas.

[Anonymous]

I am 34, and I have been dating a guy (age 35) for almost a year. I am high school grad, and I am currently unemployed (was a low pay job), have no savings, and lives with my elderly parents. I am hoping to get married soon and I want to have kids & to be a housewife.

Because of my age, I don't have too much time to waste to have 1 or 2 kids. And, because of our heritages, we cannot have kids till after we get married. The guy I date seems to be a decent guy, and I get some hints that he may pop the question to me next year. He tells me once that he will definitely buy a house before we gets married. Currently, he is living with some friends together. My family has been asking me some questions that I don't know how to answer, and they have been pushing me to get married soon.

1) My parents have traditional mindset, and they want a wedding reception here and back at hometown (foreign county). With covid, I don't think it is realistic to have any reception, but I am also not satisfied with getting married without reception (city hall marriage certificate only). Because of my age, both parents of my side & his side want us to get married soon to have grandkids. What are the best solutions? How about honeymoon? Do you think it is realistic to think everything will be back to normal at the end of next year?

2) If he decides to buy a house before we get married, normally will he also put my name on the house? I don't have any savings or income, is it reasonable for me to request him to put my name on it as well? Does it matter if we get divorced one day and my name is not on this pre-married purchased property? If we get married, we will get married in Maryland.

3) His parents express their wishes for us to have grandkid as soon as possible if we decide to get married. Because of my age, I understand that I will be considered high risk if I get pregnant. I do want kids, but do couple try to have kids right away after they get married? Is this common? I am not planning to work anymore, and stay as a housewife once I get married.

Thank you.

No offense OP but I dont think you are in a position of having everything you and your family want, so you need to prioritize.

1) first, how secure are things with the boyfriend? Have you talked marriage? Does he understand your desire to continue to not work?
2) I'm not sure why you dont have any savings if you have been working and live with your parents--are you spending money frivolously or on your family? How financially literate are you? I think that if you do get married, ,it makes more sense (unless boyfriend is loaded) to have a courthouse wedding and host a reception in your home country later, when you can.
3) at your age, I would not wait to get proposed, plan a wedding, get mraried and then try for a baby. If you feel you must be married first, then just get married and start trying.
4) what will you do if you can't get pregnant? Or if your boyfriend turns out not to want to get married? You obviously need another plan. 34, with a high school education and living with your parents--you need to do something that will help you become more independent. Like others, I suggest college (whether or not you get married), community college, trade school...something. As they say, a man is not a plan.
5) You esp need to do this because marriages dont always last. What happens if you divorce with kids and you have no skills for a better paying job?
6) If your boyfriend buys a house on his own before marriage and does not commingle marital funds toward mortgage or improvement, then it can stay out of community property. He can add you to the deed, but he does not have to. Again, this is another sign that you need to protect your future by getting a job, going to school. You can do this AND have kids.


What is your plan if he doesn't want to get married, OP? That should be your plan anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem like a catch. I'm surprised your boyfriend isn't rushing to lock this down.

I know, right?
This has “troll” written all over it.

[Anonymous]

Marriage would never last so don’t waste your or his time.