When marriage therapy brings out deep issues

[Anonymous]

DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, how can I even change to help him trust me when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?

[Anonymous]

^ did you cheat during the marriage and does he know? Is he bringing up that he had red flags way back when before he knew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ did you cheat during the marriage and does he know? Is he bringing up that he had red flags way back when before he knew?

I have never, ever cheated, so I really don't understand his thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ did you cheat during the marriage and does he know? Is he bringing up that he had red flags way back when before he knew?

I have never, ever cheated, so I really don't understand his thinking.

How long have you been married? Have trust issues always been there? Do you go out a lot without him? Are you friends with a lot of cheaters/divorced women?

[Anonymous]

He is manipulating you by keeping you off balance. He knows that you have cut it off with the guy so he is trying to make you feel guilty even though you have done nothing wrong.

Don't get defensive or emotional, just tell him the facts. If he keeps dredging it up, then you need to talk about it with your therapist.

I had an ex that did stuff like this all of the time; fortunately I didn't marry him.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like it's really about whether you actually cheated. It's about how that relationship made him feel -- and those feelings may well not be your fault. (Though they could be -- don't know about your relationship.)

The fact that he never let you know how he felt might go a long way toward explaining how he could feel that way for this long. I wouldn't go into the process feeling hopeless just because his feelings are of such long duration. Now that it's out in the open, maybe he can figure out the real source of his insecurity and, if it's self-inflicted, work on himself. If it's something you're doing or not doing, maybe you can work on that. (For example, even if you weren't cheating - maybe you aren't showing him how important he is in a language he understands.)

As to how you work on deep issues - it's like they say about eating an elephant: one bite at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, how can I even change to help him trust me when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?

A couple of things.

First, re: the bolded part--I wouldn't go into this process with the idea that you should be left with action items for personal change. I think you should go into it with the goal of hearing what he has to say. As they say, listening starts when the speaker ends--just listen and then take some time to think.

Second, it sounds like he is insecure about your relationship. My guess, from the rest of your post, is that it is deeper than this incident with the ex-BF, but the ex-BF might be just be a symbol or stand-in. Point being, it's not about the ex-BF, and you shouldn't focus on it.

Third, your DH may be insecure for reasons unrelated to anything you've said or done. He needs to work on that, but you can probably help him, too. Listening without preparing to respond immediately is probably the best first step you can take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ did you cheat during the marriage and does he know? Is he bringing up that he had red flags way back when before he knew?

I have never, ever cheated, so I really don't understand his thinking.

How long have you been married? Have trust issues always been there? Do you go out a lot without him? Are you friends with a lot of cheaters/divorced women?

11 years married, whether trust issues have been there I never thought so, he has never said he has trust issues with me until now. But based on his timeline of some of the foundation of that distrust it's been there for like 15+ years (?!?)

One of my close girlfriends cheated like 5 years ago and we just recently found out. I haven't even seen that friend for like 2-3 years. Otherwise no one I am friends with has divorced or known to have cheated. Actually more of his close friends have divorced and/or have cheated. But even that was hardly true almost two decades ago so I just don't understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's really about whether you actually cheated. It's about how that relationship made him feel -- and those feelings may well not be your fault. (Though they could be -- don't know about your relationship.)

The fact that he never let you know how he felt might go a long way toward explaining how he could feel that way for this long. I wouldn't go into the process feeling hopeless just because his feelings are of such long duration. Now that it's out in the open, maybe he can figure out the real source of his insecurity and, if it's self-inflicted, work on himself. If it's something you're doing or not doing, maybe you can work on that. (For example, even if you weren't cheating - maybe you aren't showing him how important he is in a language he understands.)

As to how you work on deep issues - it's like they say about eating an elephant: one bite at a time.

This is really helpful and makes sense, thank you. I said I didn't realize it was magnified so much in his mind and heart and I acknowledge that -- even though I never did what he suggests -- it was his perception and that means it felt like his reality. I mean I'm not mad that he said what he said, and I told him I don't see it as an accusation, but it is confusing to try to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, how can I even change to help him trust me when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?

A couple of things.

First, re: the bolded part--I wouldn't go into this process with the idea that you should be left with action items for personal change. I think you should go into it with the goal of hearing what he has to say. As they say, listening starts when the speaker ends--just listen and then take some time to think.

Second, it sounds like he is insecure about your relationship. My guess, from the rest of your post, is that it is deeper than this incident with the ex-BF, but the ex-BF might be just be a symbol or stand-in. Point being, it's not about the ex-BF, and you shouldn't focus on it.

Third, your DH may be insecure for reasons unrelated to anything you've said or done. He needs to work on that, but you can probably help him, too. Listening without preparing to respond immediately is probably the best first step you can take.

This is very helpful thanks, and I think may be true. Maybe it is just the most concrete and explainable example for him that is a symbol for a larger issue. He acknowledges that he has his own work to do separately (which I am also doing in my own therapy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, how can I even change to help him trust me when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?

OP-This is why you are seeing a professional who is invested in the relationship. Anything can come up and you have no way to control that. What you can control is your presence in therapy and your willingness to work through this. I guess what I'm saying is that you will need to trust the process. Ignoring your husband's issue or making some condition like "You can't bring up anything from more than 10 years ago..." won't fly. Trust that your therapist will call your husband out on ridiculous statements.

[Anonymous]

It’s concerning that you think YOU need to change to help him trust you.

I’ve been down that path and there’s nothing you can do. You’ll just jump through more and more hoops. Trust is his choice.

I agree that people need to feel open with their feelings in relationships but if you’re just vomiting up insecurities with no basis in realty, you need individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

^you can't change him, you don't necessarily need to change you, and you aren't responsible for his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s concerning that you think YOU need to change to help him trust you.

I’ve been down that path and there’s nothing you can do. You’ll just jump through more and more hoops. Trust is his choice.

I agree that people need to feel open with their feelings in relationships but if you’re just vomiting up insecurities with no basis in realty, you need individual therapy.

I guess maybe change isn't the right word, though I think it's okay to acknowledge we both play a role in our relationship that, to work through, may require change on both our parts. This particular issue may not be one about "change" for me per se, but I am trying to be open to the idea that I may need to change how I see things/act on things in our relationship (as he will) to advance it forward.

He is thinking of starting his own individual therapy and has acknowledged that he has his own issues to visit. I have also been speaking positively about my personal therapy and I hope that encourages him to seek it out for himself.

Also thank you, because as I said I am confused by his distrust, "my truth" around this is based on what did not happen in actual reality, and while I am trying to be understanding, needed some validation on that point. So thanks.

[Anonymous]

Be open, not defensive.