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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, [b]how can I even change to help him trust me[/b] when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?[/quote]

A couple of things.

First, re: the bolded part--I wouldn't go into this process with the idea that you should be left with action items for personal change. I think you should go into it with the goal of hearing what he has to say. As they say, listening starts when the speaker ends--just listen and then take some time to think.

Second, it sounds like he is insecure about your relationship. My guess, from the rest of your post, is that it is deeper than this incident with the ex-BF, but the ex-BF might be just be a symbol or stand-in. Point being, it's not about the ex-BF, and you shouldn't focus on it.

Third, your DH may be insecure for reasons unrelated to anything you've said or done. He needs to work on that, but you can probably help him, too. Listening without preparing to respond immediately is probably the best first step you can take.
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