When marriage therapy brings out deep issues

[Anonymous]

In therapy you will say things that will surprise and upset him and vice versa. He just started early when you didn't have a therapist to guide the conversation.

[Anonymous]

“It’s concerning that you think YOU need to change to help him trust you.

I’ve been down that path and there’s nothing you can do. You’ll just jump through more and more hoops. Trust is his choice.

I agree that people need to feel open with their feelings in relationships but if you’re just vomiting up insecurities with no basis in realty, you need individual therapy.”

Exactly. Your job is not to fix him. Your job is not to enable or be codependent. Your job is to understand what a healthy relationship is and do your part.

And frankly I think his dumping this on you is serious passive aggressive b.s. No one gets to sit on a resentment for a decade without dealing with it and then use it as an excuse or reason for behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“It’s concerning that you think YOU need to change to help him trust you.

I’ve been down that path and there’s nothing you can do. You’ll just jump through more and more hoops. Trust is his choice.

I agree that people need to feel open with their feelings in relationships but if you’re just vomiting up insecurities with no basis in realty, you need individual therapy.”

Exactly. Your job is not to fix him. Your job is not to enable or be codependent. Your job is to understand what a healthy relationship is and do your part.

And frankly I think his dumping this on you is serious passive aggressive b.s. No one gets to sit on a resentment for a decade without dealing with it and then use it as an excuse or reason for behavior.

Unless OP has BPD and is a bully. I've seen this with women sometimes. The husband is a shell of himself and afraid to say anything---or has been shut down for years with her crazy, passive aggressive behavior. The key: the BPD is never at fault. There is always an excuse and somebody else is always to blame.

[Anonymous]

It's good that he consider individual therapy too, and hopefully the two methods can support each other. Sometimes it gets or feels worse as a couple when you start therapy. Things are said that hurt, confuse, overwhelm...it's not uncommon. Try to stay open, speak honestly and recognize it is s process...it takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s concerning that you think YOU need to change to help him trust you.

I’ve been down that path and there’s nothing you can do. You’ll just jump through more and more hoops. Trust is his choice.

I agree that people need to feel open with their feelings in relationships but if you’re just vomiting up insecurities with no basis in realty, you need individual therapy.

Exactly. Your job is not to fix him. Your job is not to enable or be codependent. Your job is to understand what a healthy relationship is and do your part.

And frankly I think his dumping this on you is serious passive aggressive b.s. No one gets to sit on a resentment for a decade without dealing with it and then use it as an excuse or reason for behavior.

I don't think he meant it passive-aggressively, I think his intention is to be as honest as possible. He recognizes that if that's what's really bothering him then there is no way we can continue unless he says it. To be fair I have resentment built up too, but I do feel I have brought up those issues over the years and so this feels more out of the blue. Clearly it's something he's thought about on and off for many years, so it feels very real to him and a linchpin issue, not some one-off thing.

At least, I'm trying to see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In therapy you will say things that will surprise and upset him and vice versa. He just started early when you didn't have a therapist to guide the conversation.

Yes, which I think is a good idea too. I guess we just have to be prepared to be surprised and hurt by some things.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post, OP, except in our case it was 30+ years ago! And pre-marriage. DH had created this whole narrative in his head about how I had cheated when in fact, I have never cheated. Truly bizarre and very hurtful, especially since he treated me with contempt for long stretches over the years, believing as he did. The source of your DH's problem rests not with you in ANY way, but deep within himself, with his deep-seated insecurities.

Also, see Paranoid Personality Disorder and see if it sounds familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post, OP, except in our case it was 30+ years ago! And pre-marriage. DH had created this whole narrative in his head about how I had cheated when in fact, I have never cheated. Truly bizarre and very hurtful, especially since he treated me with contempt for long stretches over the years, believing as he did. The source of your DH's problem rests not with you in ANY way, but deep within himself, with his deep-seated insecurities.

Also, see Paranoid Personality Disorder and see if it sounds familiar.

I have to say, after the PP mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder I looked it up and some of the things seems really right on, including this sense of paranoia. Even though I never realized how much this particular thing was bothering him over many years, there are other things he has been constantly insecure and IMO downright paranoid about. For example almost every job he’s had he’s felt like people in his group were trying to backstab him and exclude him from certain projects. Once that actually happened to be true and it I think it validated his paranoia about all the other situations. His image of himself is in constant shift — one day he will think he’s a complete failure professionally and the next he will act fairly cocky about his background and skill set.

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD and has issues with emotional dysregulation — I always kind of assumed that DH had undiagnosed ADHD. But perhaps it is something more/different going on.

So what ever happened with you and your DH? Did you go to therapy together (or apart) to figure this out?

[Anonymous]

Did you just date this friend like hold hands and kiss or bang him? I could see issues with keeping friends with someone you hooked up with , there is really no reason to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post, OP, except in our case it was 30+ years ago! And pre-marriage. DH had created this whole narrative in his head about how I had cheated when in fact, I have never cheated. Truly bizarre and very hurtful, especially since he treated me with contempt for long stretches over the years, believing as he did. The source of your DH's problem rests not with you in ANY way, but deep within himself, with his deep-seated insecurities.

Also, see Paranoid Personality Disorder and see if it sounds familiar.

Did you DH ever get over this? 30 years is a long time!

[Anonymous]

Men say outlandish things in therapy. My DH took forever to answer whether he loved me or not. It was complete BS, he loves me and tells me all the time he does including about 10 minutes ago. Men want to “win” at therapy, buyer beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is manipulating you by keeping you off balance. He knows that you have cut it off with the guy so he is trying to make you feel guilty even though you have done nothing wrong.

Don't get defensive or emotional, just tell him the facts. If he keeps dredging it up, then you need to talk about it with your therapist.

I had an ex that did stuff like this all of the time; fortunately I didn't marry him.

Unfortunately my experience with my DH in marriage counseling was closer to this. When he didn't want to deal with the current issues and problems, he'd bring up some random thing like this from a decade ago that he suddenly had deep feelings about and it would derail everything because the therapist felt we had to explore these feelings. In the end I believe he was deflecting to avoid the "real" problems. But it took me some time to realize that. I'm not even sure he was doing it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post, OP, except in our case it was 30+ years ago! And pre-marriage. DH had created this whole narrative in his head about how I had cheated when in fact, I have never cheated. Truly bizarre and very hurtful, especially since he treated me with contempt for long stretches over the years, believing as he did. The source of your DH's problem rests not with you in ANY way, but deep within himself, with his deep-seated insecurities.

Also, see Paranoid Personality Disorder and see if it sounds familiar.

This is ridiculous. PP can't possibly know this about OP and her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post, OP, except in our case it was 30+ years ago! And pre-marriage. DH had created this whole narrative in his head about how I had cheated when in fact, I have never cheated. Truly bizarre and very hurtful, especially since he treated me with contempt for long stretches over the years, believing as he did. The source of your DH's problem rests not with you in ANY way, but deep within himself, with his deep-seated insecurities.

Also, see Paranoid Personality Disorder and see if it sounds familiar.

I have to say, after the PP mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder I looked it up and some of the things seems really right on, including this sense of paranoia. Even though I never realized how much this particular thing was bothering him over many years, there are other things he has been constantly insecure and IMO downright paranoid about. For example almost every job he’s had he’s felt like people in his group were trying to backstab him and exclude him from certain projects. Once that actually happened to be true and it I think it validated his paranoia about all the other situations. His image of himself is in constant shift — one day he will think he’s a complete failure professionally and the next he will act fairly cocky about his background and skill set.

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD and has issues with emotional dysregulation — I always kind of assumed that DH had undiagnosed ADHD. But perhaps it is something more/different going on.

So what ever happened with you and your DH? Did you go to therapy together (or apart) to figure this out?

Dr. Google is not your friend. A pinched nerve will inevitably be diagnosed as leprosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“It’s concerning that you think YOU need to change to help him trust you.

I’ve been down that path and there’s nothing you can do. You’ll just jump through more and more hoops. Trust is his choice.

I agree that people need to feel open with their feelings in relationships but if you’re just vomiting up insecurities with no basis in realty, you need individual therapy.”

Exactly. Your job is not to fix him. Your job is not to enable or be codependent. Your job is to understand what a healthy relationship is and do your part.

And frankly I think his dumping this on you is serious passive aggressive b.s. No one gets to sit on a resentment for a decade without dealing with it and then use it as an excuse or reason for behavior.

Unless OP has BPD and is a bully. I've seen this with women sometimes. The husband is a shell of himself and afraid to say anything---or has been shut down for years with her crazy, passive aggressive behavior. The key: the BPD is never at fault. There is always an excuse and somebody else is always to blame.

I think it’s clear, if you read OP’s posts, that she’s nothing like that. You are projecting your own experience onto OP.