When marriage therapy brings out deep issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, how can I even change to help him trust me when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?

I see two red flags

you are planning to have couple counseling and your DH suggested you talk before between the two of you. why exactly? that sounds like me when I clean the house the night before the cleaners come. you are paying a professional precisely so you can have a conversation with your husband guided by somebody with experience. sounds like your DH prefers to deal with you alone. stick to the original plan. go the counselor and have the convo there. your husband's reasoning does not make sense, based on what you write sounds like he prefers to talk with you alone so he can manipulate you.

the cheating thing. I found very sad and concerning your sentence that how can you change to help him. It sounds like you were persuaded that you are at some fault and that you should change to make him happy. you even go on saying that if you have not seen in a couple of years a friend who cheated 5 years ago. so now you need to cut off any friend who divorced in the past otherwise your husband does not trust you? are you nuts?

I think you maybe should also do individual therapy. it seems that your husband has beaten you down so much that you believe that his problems are due to you and that you should change to make him feel better. your husband's problems and insecurities are his own and you should not be the one changing. you are going to set yourself up for a miserable life if you let him manipulate like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree 100 percent with the poster who says that you need to question why you held onto an old boyfriend, when you and your husband got serious. She’s got some real good insights.

Even if you didn’t cheat, and I’ll accept that you didn’t, how did you treat your husband? It can be infuriating to have your spouse act as if your oppinions don’t matter or are less important then an oppisite sex friend. Things like scrolling on social media and a topic comes up and your spouse says “Well, Bill thinks…” and you say “I think he’s wrong” and the spouse says “But how would you know…” like you don’t have the right to have your oppinion unless it aligns perfectly with this friend.

It’s also upsetting to see your spouse like or comment on posts involving things you can’t or don’t want to do like “Bill took such an amazing trip” and you say “Well, I’d like too, but you always say we don’t have the money” or “I’d get involved with a similar activity, but our kids come home from school when that activity is available so I can’t”

In other words, you can have behaved appropriately in every conventional sense and still managed to make your spouse feel terrible.

Think too about when you and this friend interacted, would it have been difficult for an outside observer to know which guy was your romantic partner?

Also, it’s very possible this friend may have outright told your husband or implied that the two of you were sleeping together. It doesn’t mean you were, it just means that that is what your husband thinks happened.

If he is otherwise a nice person, and isn’t accusing you of sleeping with a random Starbucks barista or the hanyman who helps your grandma, or that you really aren’t at work because you didn’t answer when he called you, assume (since you chose to marry and stay married) that something is giving him his data. It’s either something you are doing, maybe not even something you are aware you are doing, something this friend is doing, or a combination of the two. Your husband gave a specific name and a specific time period, keep that in mind. It doesn’t matter so much what you did or didn’t do with the other guy, it’s all about how it made him feel.

Know too that while you say you would never cheat, you were willing to hang onto this friendship. Do some self-relection. You may not cheat now because of what you learned from this experience, but you didn’t know all this when it was going on, meaning that you would have been capable of cheating.

Finally, you don’t have to go to marriage therapy unless you want to. Your husband doesn’t either. Think about if it would be better for the two of you to hold hands, go on dates, be nice to each other, put each other first. He needs time to get to know and trust you again.

Know too that if he’s crazy or nasty as some posters have suggested, you are free to divorce him. It isn’t fair to remain married and treat him like he’s a nutcase. From where I sit, you made some poor choices that ended up mistreating him.You can always reevaluate later, but this is what you’ve got if your narative is accurate.

This is a very good post. While nothing ever went on between you and the friend, your husband may have saw how your personality changed while you were talking to your friend.