Is it ethical of me to cut off my 75 yo sister financially? - more inside

[Anonymous]

God bless anyone who reads this in its entirety and can offer advice :

Sister is 75 yo living with bipolar homeless woman in our deceased parents’ home. Home is paid for and in a trust in which I am the trustee. Sister is nice, but incompetent (literally) and has caused family grief for her entire life (no steady jobs, lazy, MLM victim multiple times, ran up credit card bills, stole from parents, etc ). She has no car, is obese and has health problems, and relies on roommate to take her to medical appointments and get food. They are on food stamps and have Medicare. Sister does not have an email address, doesn’t know how to set up voice mail on her flip phone, no computer, etc. communication is limited.

Me: live 1500 miles away from sister and the estate. Live comfortably/retirement taken care of, healthy overall. Married with 2 adult children.

I’ve been paying for the upkeep of the house she is living in, which is old and deteriorating (house worth maybe $100k). Due to her negligence the basement has flooded, had sewage back up, and has required $17,000 in repairs. So I’ve already invested a lot in this small house. More work is needed right now including a new air conditioner. Her “friend/roommate” is unstable mentally and yells at neighbors, workmen, and my sister to the level of verbal abuse. Due to her outbursts, workmen either decline jobs or quit, thus preventing me to take care of the needed work at the house. I have to set up appointments long distance since I am paying and they seem incompetent to do so.

My sister wants to continue living in the house with this woman who causes me great distress and anxiety and I am no longer wanting to even deal with her. If my sister makes the choice to continue living with this woman, is it ethical of me to be agreeable with the understanding I will no longer pay for anything more than lawn service and yearly estate taxes/insurance.

If we sold the house, she would have no place to live. I don’t want her living with me. I can’t afford that and I am already caring for my husband and son. I don’t have the strength or stamina to be her care taker. I don’t want to pour money into my parents’ house either as they have proven they don’t take care of it.

Am I awful to keep a distance and cut her off financially? In the past I’ve bought her a used car, sent checks when she’d call asking for money, paid for just about every expense the house has had for 20 years, etc. I’m older now and I’m overwhelmed and burdoned by this situation which gets worse by the day.

Any insight or suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Contact an elder social servcies worker in her area.

Sell house, buy her a 1-bedroom condo, maybe in a place for elderly where there is some level of caretaking.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like this woman is crazy she is might be helping care for her. Can she cook on her own? Can she drive to doctors appointments? I’m not sure why you see the roommate as the cause of the issues and why kicking her out would solve issues. It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your sister to live alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it sounds like this woman is crazy she is might be helping care for her. Can she cook on her own? Can she drive to doctors appointments? I’m not sure why you see the roommate as the cause of the issues and why kicking her out would solve issues. It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your sister to live alone.

There are some typos in here. I was suggesting that, as crazy as the roommate sounds, she might be helping care for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Can you sell the house and get her to agree to an assisted living apartment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it sounds like this woman is crazy she is might be helping care for her. Can she cook on her own? Can she drive to doctors appointments? I’m not sure why you see the roommate as the cause of the issues and why kicking her out would solve issues. It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your sister to live alone.

There are some typos in here. I was suggesting that, as crazy as the roommate sounds, she might be helping care for your sister.

Agree. She is getting something out of it . Are they in some way a couple? Not necessarily gay, but have grown together and are so enmeshed they are a package deal?

If sis doesn't need care I'd try to get her a small condo instead. Would try to pursue POA if needed.

[Anonymous]

There might be someone in your hometown who handles elder law? Some Elder law offices have social workers (my moms is a case worker). Anyway the attorney and case worker have provided us assistance with mom’s care and advice on local services. Good luck and God bless.

[Anonymous]

Step one: call elder services and ask them to do a welfare check on your sister. She needs to feel the pressure that her living situation is so bad that the authorities are involved.

Step two: tell your sister that you need to sell the house. Do NOT answer why, just keep repeating that you MUST sell the house. Tell her you will EITHER give her a cut of the profits from the sale OR you will pay for her to get into an assisted living place. Give her at least a month to decide. When she calls you to discuss, do not answer why, do not entertain other options. You don't have to be mean, just "I know this is a hard decision to make, I know change is hard, especially as we age, but I can either give you money from the sale of the one - maybe you can buy a one bedroom condo with that, or I can find you a nice assisted living place in your general area.

Understand that this may take her months to decide on and come to terms with. If you give her a deadline, give her one over a month away, and do NOT change the deadlines once you lay them out.

Ignore the homeless crazy lady.
Sister: but what about Laura?
You: My priority is you. You're a grown adult. (the implication is that Laura is also a grown adult.)

[Anonymous]

You are the trustee, no.

[Anonymous]

Yes, sister and roommate are “codependent”. They’ve lived together for 10+ years. Roommate helps sister with bill paying, medical forms, accessing government assistance,etc.so yes, she helps my sister, but she also screams at her, hoards, doesn’t take of the house, won’t allow anyone in the house including family, etc. I am exhausted dealing with her behavior. If my sister chooses to live with that behavior, I can accept that, but I no longer wish to deal with this woman’s rude, abusive behavior. Hence my desire to remove myself from the situation.

Selling house would leave us with maybe $80k afte realtor fees. Meaning, that’s all the money she would have to invest in a condo or LTC facility. Not nearly enough to sustain her the rest of her life. I can’t pay taxes and upkeep on a new place for her either, if she were to move somewhere else.

Next case scenario would be - sister stays in house without roommate and her needs could be met by visiting aids paid for by Medicaid. But she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want a new place. She wants to stay in the house with roommate.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate all your thoughts and ideas.

To clarify, I am not close with my sister. We are pleasant, but she typically only calls when she needs money and rarely has ever wished me happy birthday in all these years. It’s not a typical sisterly relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’ve called social services and was told if the inhabitants of the house refuse to allow them to enter then they can not investigate the living conditions. I’ve also called law enforcement and the fire dept. - same response. If they won’t allow entrance, there’s nothing anyone can do to help. Further, my aunt is happy and content and does not feel endangered or unsafe.

As trustee I was not given the responsibility to care for my sister. I just have the responsibility to manage the trust - and all that is in the trust is a deed to this property.

Again, thank you.

Sorry for typos and errors. I’m typing on a small tablet.

[Anonymous]

And to clarify, there is no cash in the trust. I am paying for expenses out of my own savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, sister and roommate are “codependent”. They’ve lived together for 10+ years. Roommate helps sister with bill paying, medical forms, accessing government assistance,etc.so yes, she helps my sister, but she also screams at her, hoards, doesn’t take of the house, won’t allow anyone in the house including family, etc. I am exhausted dealing with her behavior. If my sister chooses to live with that behavior, I can accept that, but I no longer wish to deal with this woman’s rude, abusive behavior. Hence my desire to remove myself from the situation.

Selling house would leave us with maybe $80k afte realtor fees. Meaning, that’s all the money she would have to invest in a condo or LTC facility. Not nearly enough to sustain her the rest of her life. I can’t pay taxes and upkeep on a new place for her either, if she were to move somewhere else.

Next case scenario would be - sister stays in house without roommate and her needs could be met by visiting aids paid for by Medicaid. But she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want a new place. She wants to stay in the house with roommate.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate all your thoughts and ideas.

To clarify, I am not close with my sister. We are pleasant, but she typically only calls when she needs money and rarely has ever wished me happy birthday in all these years. It’s not a typical sisterly relationship.

Depends on the state. Some states pay for aides, some don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step one: call elder services and ask them to do a welfare check on your sister. She needs to feel the pressure that her living situation is so bad that the authorities are involved.

Step two: tell your sister that you need to sell the house. Do NOT answer why, just keep repeating that you MUST sell the house. Tell her you will EITHER give her a cut of the profits from the sale OR you will pay for her to get into an assisted living place. Give her at least a month to decide. When she calls you to discuss, do not answer why, do not entertain other options. You don't have to be mean, just "I know this is a hard decision to make, I know change is hard, especially as we age, but I can either give you money from the sale of the one - maybe you can buy a one bedroom condo with that, or I can find you a nice assisted living place in your general area.

Understand that this may take her months to decide on and come to terms with. If you give her a deadline, give her one over a month away, and do NOT change the deadlines once you lay them out.

Ignore the homeless crazy lady.
Sister: but what about Laura?
You: My priority is you. You're a grown adult. (the implication is that Laura is also a grown adult.)

Do not offer to give her the money unless you are ok with her being homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, sister and roommate are “codependent”. They’ve lived together for 10+ years. Roommate helps sister with bill paying, medical forms, accessing government assistance,etc.so yes, she helps my sister, but she also screams at her, hoards, doesn’t take of the house, won’t allow anyone in the house including family, etc. I am exhausted dealing with her behavior. If my sister chooses to live with that behavior, I can accept that, but I no longer wish to deal with this woman’s rude, abusive behavior. Hence my desire to remove myself from the situation.

Selling house would leave us with maybe $80k afte realtor fees. Meaning, that’s all the money she would have to invest in a condo or LTC facility. Not nearly enough to sustain her the rest of her life. I can’t pay taxes and upkeep on a new place for her either, if she were to move somewhere else.

Next case scenario would be - sister stays in house without roommate and her needs could be met by visiting aids paid for by Medicaid. But she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want a new place. She wants to stay in the house with roommate.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate all your thoughts and ideas.

To clarify, I am not close with my sister. We are pleasant, but she typically only calls when she needs money and rarely has ever wished me happy birthday in all these years. It’s not a typical sisterly relationship.

Look, your sister seems to want to stay in the house with the roommate. It sounds like the roommate takes care of her and frankly I hate to break it to you but Medicaid aids probably won’t do a better job.

When you say the roommate won’t let anyone else in the house, do you mean now, during covid? Because I won’t let anyone in my house either, that’s normal right now.