Is it ethical of me to cut off my 75 yo sister financially? - more inside

[Anonymous]

Knowing your sisters history, did you parents not leave anything for her care after they passed? Were their expectations that you’d take care of her or sister lives in the house and left money for that or did they not do anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have had excellent advice in terms of welfare checks etc.

My instinct would be possibly to sign the property over to her, and be done with it. But then I'm harsh and a bit cut and run.

This sounds like an easy solution, but having done this in my own family, I can tell you that it can backfire badly. A sibling and I owned a house and we gave it to another sibling who had been living there. Shortly thereafter, he stopped paying taxes, etc. and the house went into foreclosure. Also there was disrepair. Long story short, he moved out and we are still taking care of him. Fortunately not much of the burden falls on me.

OP, some thoughts I had after reading are these. You are never going to sell that house. Your sister and her friend are never going to let anyone in and if they do, it won't matter because the house likely will require so much work to make it livable (sewer back ups and hoarding are two things you mentioned) that no one will want it.

You are probably going to have to evict your sister and her friend if you want them out of the house. You are the trustee of the house, but you haven't said what the trust says so you may or may not have the right to do that. But even if you do, you are going to spend a fortune in legal fees and time to get her out and then another fortune to get the house sale ready.

Your sister's friend sounds like someone you should consider a blessing. It sounds like your sister has her own mental health issues and now she has someone taking care of her. If she didn't, that would be yet another problem that would likely fall on your plate since your sister can't take care of herself. You have to take the good with the bad.

You asked about cutting your sister off. I know for me, I've had to set boundaries and once I did, the asks became fewer. But, if there are actual needs, it is really hard to say no if you can solve problems with money you can afford to pay.

[Anonymous]

Sell the house. If you don't sell it now, very soon it will be condemned because of the disrepair and hoarding.

Get a social worker involved and let them do the needful.

You do not need to take care of the sister. The homeless person will not leave unless the house is sold.

Use the money from the sale to give her a small allowance every month. Assume that the money will run out in 8-10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sell the house. If you don't sell it now, very soon it will be condemned because of the disrepair and hoarding.

Get a social worker involved and let them do the needful.

You do not need to take care of the sister. The homeless person will not leave unless the house is sold.

Use the money from the sale to give her a small allowance every month. Assume that the money will run out in 8-10 years.

The house is only worth 100k. That is not lasting 8-10 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation, you seem a caring person. however, as others have pointed out, your sister seems significantly mentally ill. she probably was mentally ill when she was younger too, but now with older age she does not seem competent and able to care for herself. the person who lives with her sounds mentally ill and abusive. It looks more like your sister cannot defend herself. if they are hoarding and not taking care of the house, you may not be able to sell for much at all if you wait longer because the house will be so damaged that you will sell for the cost of the land at most.

it is hard to help people who are not legally incompetent. your best bet is finding a local social worker or an elder care attorney who can see what is available for your sister. she probably should go to a retirement home where she can be assisted. the other lady needs help too because she is mentally instable. maybe it is possible to have your sister evaluated and declared incompetent if she is, so a guardian can help her find a place to stay.

[Anonymous]

Sign the home over, OP. You aren't running the show fortunately/unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Don’t sign the home over to your sister, OP. She could then willingly sign it over to this woman or be coerced to do it. I have a 60 year old sister who is mentally ill, also does not drive, and cannot be trusted with more than her disability payments. Unfortunately, she will end up on the street if left to her own devices, preyed upon by those who realize her condition. My siblings and I have basically decided to let her live in my parent’s deteriorating house because none of us can handle her living with us. When she lived in apartments, she would end up calling the police on her neighbors or letting the condition of the place deteriorate to the point where her landlord refused to renew her lease. We will pay the property tax, utlities, insurance and food but she has to come up with her other expenses. She gets food stamps, state healthcare and disability. The house will continue to deteriorate but it is already 70 years old so we figure when she is no longer able to live there, we will sell low to a developer who will raze the building and its cluttered contents. It’s sad and stressful but beats all the alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t sign the home over to your sister, OP. She could then willingly sign it over to this woman or be coerced to do it. I have a 60 year old sister who is mentally ill, also does not drive, and cannot be trusted with more than her disability payments. Unfortunately, she will end up on the street if left to her own devices, preyed upon by those who realize her condition. My siblings and I have basically decided to let her live in my parent’s deteriorating house because none of us can handle her living with us. When she lived in apartments, she would end up calling the police on her neighbors or letting the condition of the place deteriorate to the point where her landlord refused to renew her lease. We will pay the property tax, utlities, insurance and food but she has to come up with her other expenses. She gets food stamps, state healthcare and disability. The house will continue to deteriorate but it is already 70 years old so we figure when she is no longer able to live there, we will sell low to a developer who will raze the building and its cluttered contents. It’s sad and stressful but beats all the alternatives.

My MIL had dementia and we didn't know. A woman took advantage of her and had her sign over her assets including a car and other things and it was a nightmare when we went to apply for medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sell house. Get her in government subsidized housing. Put cash in trust for you to give her a (surely small) allowance. Most hands-off outcome and gives her housing situation a bit more oversight.

Isn’t this housing hard to come by?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. This is definitely very stressful. But as much as you dislike and are uncomfortable with this roommate, your sister is “happy and content” and wishes to continue living with her; it’s comfortable for her and it’s what she chooses. She has the right to self-determination, and it doesn’t sound like her life is in danger. On the contrary, the roommate is bringing your sister to her medical appointments and getting her food.

It’s very possible that if this person were removed from your sister’s orbit, she would decompensate, physically and emotionally, and would become much more dependent on you. Although her situation isn’t ideal, it has allowed her to maintain equilibrium; this may be as good as it gets for her. The key words are “happy and content” — you don’t want to disrupt that; it could be to your own detriment.

All that being said, you have the right to set firm boundaries, to preserve your own well-being. You have to soul search and figure out what you can live with. It’s tricky because the things you mention - AC, flooding repair, are integral to her health but honestly, any needs beyond her basic survival, I would just let go of (including the hoarding - it doesn’t seem to bother your sister, and it’s not an imminent threat). And if they won’t allow repair people in, there’s really not much you can do, beyond call Adult Protective Services to do a welfare check if you are concerned for your sister’s survival (like if she is living without heat in frigid weather, for example). Figure out what is a bare necessity, and let go of *everything* else.

It’s a tricky balance beyond allowing for her self-determination, and trying to keep her out of imminent danger, while maintaining your own boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t sign the home over to your sister, OP. She could then willingly sign it over to this woman or be coerced to do it. I have a 60 year old sister who is mentally ill, also does not drive, and cannot be trusted with more than her disability payments. Unfortunately, she will end up on the street if left to her own devices, preyed upon by those who realize her condition. My siblings and I have basically decided to let her live in my parent’s deteriorating house because none of us can handle her living with us. When she lived in apartments, she would end up calling the police on her neighbors or letting the condition of the place deteriorate to the point where her landlord refused to renew her lease. We will pay the property tax, utlities, insurance and food but she has to come up with her other expenses. She gets food stamps, state healthcare and disability. The house will continue to deteriorate but it is already 70 years old so we figure when she is no longer able to live there, we will sell low to a developer who will raze the building and its cluttered contents. It’s sad and stressful but beats all the alternatives.

I'd do something similar. Consult with an attorney, if you haven't already, about what your minimum duty is in terms of being a trustee. I'd then let her continue to live in the house and do the bare minimum. Don't put any more money into it than you have to. When she dies, sell it to a developer.

FWIW, my mother and brother struggle with mental illness and substance abuse issues. Anyone who says they'd never let their family member be homeless has never really experienced it or has a lot of money to throw at it. Do not jeopardize your own emotional/financial stability.

[Anonymous]

OP, who is the beneficiary of the trust? You, sister, both, someone else?

Does your sister have children?

Before you "cut her off" you need to understand your obligations as a trustee.

If you are not a beneficiary under the trust, I would consider resigning as a trustee and have a state-appointed trustee deal with the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sell house. Get her in government subsidized housing. Put cash in trust for you to give her a (surely small) allowance. Most hands-off outcome and gives her housing situation a bit more oversight.

Isn’t this housing hard to come by?

If she has $80 or even $40K she will not get subsidized housing.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is living through a similar situation and has done for years. It's given her a lot of grief and she's had to go into therapy for it.

I think you need to carry on as you have until the roommate or your sister can't go on like this, through illness or other event.

I know you don't want to hear that, but all the other options may be worse than the one you have right now.

My friend is lucky in that her mentally unstable sibling is in a rent-controlled apartment. However, the sibling is so problematic that he always risks getting thrown out, and my friend has to get on the phone with the landlord. My friend pays bills as they come, because any money given to the sibling goes to controlling "friends" who supply him with drugs. My friend has recently distanced herself and only pays the bills. She does not have the bandwidth anymore to have a meaningful relationship with her sibling.

Good luck, OP. It's very hard.

[Anonymous]

Flooding, sewage and hoarding?

Sounds like the house will be destroyed in a few years (if not already) whether you do anything or not. I'd probably cut my losses.

Is that ethical? Yes, under the circumstances I think it is.