Is it ethical of me to cut off my 75 yo sister financially? - more inside

[Anonymous]

I have a severely bipolar sister as well.

I get it. It sucks. And she's mean to you. And completely ungrateful.

And yet, I would let her stay in the house and keep maintaining the house if you can afford to (big if).

Why? Because otherwise she will be homeless and you will have a much bigger problem to deal with.

And, yes, I agree with the others that this friends is probably helping your sister in many ways that you would miss if you were to boot her out.

However...try to do the minimum. Help when asked if you think it's reasonable.

[Anonymous]

First, I would find low income housing for seniors that is in the nearby area.
You would be surprised at what is available.
My mom missed managed her money her entire life. Two brand new low income senior apartments were being built near her. Got her on both lists - she was offered a spot in each. She accepted the one she liked better.
It’s small, but $700 a month covering most utilities. Her SS covers it with some cash to spare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a severely bipolar sister as well.

I get it. It sucks. And she's mean to you. And completely ungrateful.

And yet, I would let her stay in the house and keep maintaining the house if you can afford to (big if).

Why? Because otherwise she will be homeless and you will have a much bigger problem to deal with.

And, yes, I agree with the others that this friends is probably helpingo your sister in many ways that you would miss if you were to boot her out.

However...try to do the minimum. Help when asked if you think it's reasonable.

Totally disagree, but respectfully. My dad is bipolar so I totally get it. But if your sister is unwilling to seek professional help to help manage her mental illness, you do not then become her slave. There are state programs that can help her. Help should be offered with the understanding it is contingent upon diagnosis and treatment of her mental illness. OP, she is not your responsibility. It is not unethical to walk away if she refuses treatment for herself. If she’s like my dad, and she sounds like it, nothing you do will ever be enough and she’ll take you down with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't get enough money for condo, then make it a one or two bedroom rental. You can't force her not to have her friend over, or even stay there, especially not when you aren't there.

You CAN make sure she has a roof over her head, electricity and water, a comfortable place to sleep, and basic needs met. If you are concerned that cash might be diverted, pay things directly where you can -- like the rent -- and in a way that makes it harder to divert when you can't, such as gift certificates to a taxi or Uber service, or an "account" with them that you put money into. Have her medical bills sent to you. Have a standing order of basic groceries delivered on a regular basis.

You don't have to do that. It is the gentlest way to make sure she is provided for despite being challenged in many areas. It gives you a way to look back later and know you did your best.

I mean, you can't force her to sleep there, or not, I dunno, have her roommate sell the groceries for weed, or something. But you can set it up so that with minimal emotional involvement, her needs are met. When you take care of the basics, she can use SS or whatever other income she has at her discretion. And you won't be fielding calls all the time about running short, because needs are met, and you can be clear that wants are her purview.

Good luck, OP. This is so much harder than anyone realizes until they go through it.

+1. I'd get POA, sell house, and move her into a care home. Screw the abusive enmeshed roommate. Maybe the wellness check folks can set her up with medicaid, too.

I don't have enough to tell if I would cut and run. I lean away from it without abuse involved.

[Anonymous]

She is 75 and unhealthy. It is unlikely she is going to grow into very old age. I’d just pay for the most minimal things to keep the house going. She can have windows ac unless she is in the Deep South. I’d leave her there and just stays as hands off as possible.

[Anonymous]

If it helps when I cut my sibling off when our parents died (basically I said they could decide to support sibling but I would not), sibling finally stepped up. I guess they understood that the gravy train was over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t sign the home over to your sister, OP. She could then willingly sign it over to this woman or be coerced to do it. I have a 60 year old sister who is mentally ill, also does not drive, and cannot be trusted with more than her disability payments. Unfortunately, she will end up on the street if left to her own devices, preyed upon by those who realize her condition. My siblings and I have basically decided to let her live in my parent’s deteriorating house because none of us can handle her living with us. When she lived in apartments, she would end up calling the police on her neighbors or letting the condition of the place deteriorate to the point where her landlord refused to renew her lease. We will pay the property tax, utlities, insurance and food but she has to come up with her other expenses. She gets food stamps, state healthcare and disability. The house will continue to deteriorate but it is already 70 years old so we figure when she is no longer able to live there, we will sell low to a developer who will raze the building and its cluttered contents. It’s sad and stressful but beats all the alternatives.

I'd do something similar. Consult with an attorney, if you haven't already, about what your minimum duty is in terms of being a trustee. I'd then let her continue to live in the house and do the bare minimum. Don't put any more money into it than you have to. When she dies, sell it to a developer.

FWIW, my mother and brother struggle with mental illness and substance abuse issues. Anyone who says they'd never let their family member be homeless has never really experienced it or has a lot of money to throw at it. Do not jeopardize your own emotional/financial stability.

I've also see this playout. OP, I'd get less involved in your sisters life. LIve your life. Let the house deteriorate. Your sister and the roommate seem okay with it deteriorating. After your sister dies sell the property. You won't get much but understand you don't have great options.

My Uncle had schizophenia. He slept on the bathroom floor of an apartment in a barn. The floor was crumbling below him but he would not
let repairmen in. We had to let him live the way he wanted to live.

In a way the psycho roommate is doing you a favor. Your sister has a place to live and is not on the street. Understand options are limited
for your sister.

I'd emotionally distance yourself from the situation. Pay the taxes. Pay to cut the grass and don't worry about anything else.
Don't get involved in day to day. Don't visit. If the stove breaks it sounds like they are smart enough to buy a toaster oven.

AGain, my Uncle was living in true squalor, by choice, and we had to separate ourselves from the situation.

When sister dies you will get land value for the property from a developer. Don't sink money into squalor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 75 and unhealthy. It is unlikely she is going to grow into very old age. I’d just pay for the most minimal things to keep the house going. She can have windows ac unless she is in the Deep South. I’d leave her there and just stays as hands off as possible.

THis. This. This. Stay hands off.

[Anonymous]

Don't sink anymore money into the house.

Separate yourself from the situation.

Pay the taxes. Pay the yardguy.

Don't have conversations with sister and roommate. Don't tell them what you are doing. Just live your life.

[Anonymous]

Buy a window ac from Lowes with the install package. Let Lowes deal with them.

[Anonymous]

I would move towards more boundaries by separating the two legal relationships you have going on here. There is both a 1)trust/trustee/beneficiary and a 2)landlord/tenant relationship. As much as we feel bonded to our siblings, this entanglement is making things worse for you.

I would find a slightly nicer house for the same or less money by looking farther away from the city where your sister is. She does not need to commute to a job so she can be a bit more in the fresh air and woods where land is cheaper. I might even spend more money if I needed to. The key here is the new house have fresh paint and AC and no raw sewage, so it will last a few more years before the next catastrophe. I would convince the sister (and friend, sigh) to move to the new house. Then I would sell the old house (fixed up or not). The trust now contains money instead of real estate. Then comes the conflict of interest, so you will need legal advice here to keep things above the board....the money can be used to pay reasonable (maybe even discounted) rent to you as landlord. Now, as a landlord when you spend money on repairs you can deduct that from your taxes.

Changing your legal situation will help out your kids should anything happen to you. Think about your estate planning.

[Anonymous]

Read up on boundaries. These are for you. Do the bare minimum to the house. I'd only fix safety type things.
I'd get a window a/c. Buy from Lowes and get the install package.

Start keeping copies of the expenses that you are paying personally. If she moves into a care home at some point I believe you may be able to reimburse yourself the expenses ($17,000 etc) after the land and what remains of the house is sold. You would need legal advice on this and probably advice from a CPA.

Understand many times these land/house sales don't bring much money due to deterioration. Make peace with that.

[Anonymous]

Can you get the sister and roommate into an apartment? Tell them you need them to move out since AC not working?

Sell house as is. House proceeds would pay for apartment for about 5 years. Landlord can then deal with sister and roommate and not you.

[Anonymous]

At 75 she is considered elderly, plus she has mental health and surely physical health issues.

I'll bet she qualifies for government oversight.

Contact local elder social services and explain situation like you did here. See what they can do and what she qualifies for. My guess is she will probably be placed in some sort of group house or housing for the indigent elderly.

Before you do that, contact an eldercare lawyer and for a few hundred lay out the situation and ask for advice on how to present the situation so that your sister/aunt qualifies for assistance.

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm guessing lawyer will tell you to sell the house and get your sister in a temporary rental. While her roommate is not your concern, she probably should also be under the eye of the local eldercare social services.

Your sister is going to resist anything involving leaving the house. Tough luck. It's better for her to be under the watchful eye of government services. That will remove your need to continue being actively involved until she passes. Thank God for American safety nets.

[Anonymous]

Surprised no one has mentioned that the roommate likely has rights. She would need to be forcibly evicted if you are going to have any chance at a successful sale. See a lawyer ASAP.