I wish my WOHM friends would stop judging my SAHM parenting

[Anonymous]

Almost nervous to toss this out there but it's been really weighing on me lately. I know people have strong feelings on this issue.

I'm a SAHM of a toddler and most of the women I know are not. That's fine! I assumed I'd be a WOHM, but my life took a left turn when my child was born. I don't judge people for working, or for putting kids in daycare or hiring nannies. I think it's all fine and whatever works for your family!

But I am extremely tired of getting unsolicited parenting "advice" form my WOHM friends! Some of it is straight up rude, telling me that kids who have nannies or go to daycare do better because they are being cared for by a professional. Telling me I need to do things the way their nanny does it, or that they way I do something is wrong. The other day a friend told me that she thinks potty training delays are mostly due to parental laziness, even though her daughter was mostly potty trained at daycare (and my kid potty trained late, which she knows!).

It's just rude and hurtful. I know I'm a good mom and I've found a way to make this situation work for my family even though I was kind of thrown into it. But I am still a person! I know a big part of the problem is that I don't know any SAHMs, but it's just a rarity in my area and in our social circle. I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff. But it would be nice if they could have a little more sensitivity. My husband says that it probably comes from a place of insecurity or jealousy. Which I get, but these are smart, accomplished women. I wish they would find other ways to deal with their feelings than making me feel terrible.

Anyway, just a vent. And if you are a WOHM, maybe think about this stuff before you say it. It's really hurtful.

[Anonymous]

It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

[Anonymous]

Don't take it so personally.

I bet 99% of what you're hearing is just conversational stuff and not specific jabs at you. Are you sure you didn't twist word from what you're friends were saying? You seem really insecure and paranoid.

Kids are an extension of you. So, by default, you become defensive, hurt, and angry at any sort of (constructive) criticism which may or may not be directed at your parenting.

Were you lamenting about the woes of potty training so your friend pipped in with "yea, Ms. Daycare Teacher got Larla to pee 5x/day on the potty. I'm so glad too because I was too lazy to tackle it full force and have a delayed potty trained kid"...
BUT You interpret this as "OP - you must be lazy since your kid isn't potty trained yet".
See how you can easily mis-understand things and feel like it could be a direct insult to you when it really isn't?

Part of it could be the tone-deafness of other parents no matter if they're SAHM or WOHMs.

[Anonymous]

No one is jealous of a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is jealous of a SAHM.

This is so rude.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. A lot of this comes from a place of insecurity. I'm a WOHM and might have said (more gracefully) that my kid was doing x,y,or z because daycare, but it was defensive with my SAHM friends, sometimes. The reality is daycare kids sometimes do things earlier because they're expected to. Daycares have to be a little rigid to maintain order in a classroom. You have a different situation and no need to feel bad about it or rush your kid. My kids are tweens now and I haven't been asked when they potty trained in years (and FWIW, they potty trained late).

[Anonymous]

Do people really have these conversations in real life? Or is it just a DCUM thing. Honestly, I've never had discussions with people about my parenting choices. Sounds like you just need a better circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

OP here. It doesn't work both ways though. I have never and would never criticize any WOHM for "not raising their children." Maybe you have met SAHMs who do that, but I never do, because it's not what I believe. And it's not a question of bing confident in my decision -- being a SAHM was something that was decided for me by circumstance. I am happy with my experience, but I don't view it as something I picked over working. Anymore than some of my friends "chose" being a WOHM, as staying home was not an option for their family situation.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP.

They either aren’t thinking, or it’s a reflection of their lack of confidence in their choices. Full stop. It’s not about you.

[Anonymous]

This is all part of the judging moms problem. Breast feeding, day care, car seats, soda drinking, vegan, babysitters, co sleeping, sleep training...

The list of things which moms judge other moms for is ENDLESS. And insane. Just follow your path, don't judge back and ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

Or it comes from SAH parents making supposedly innocent comments like, "oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it! I could never bear to leave my small children, they are my everything!"

If I hear this sort of comment, I will absolutely go for the jugular. With a smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is jealous of a SAHM.

I am! But I wanted to spend more tine with my babies. Maternity leave is joke in this country, so yes, I will admit I was jealous of women who got to spend more than 2 hours a day with their babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP.

They either aren’t thinking, or it’s a reflection of their lack of confidence in their choices. Full stop. It’s not about you.

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t engage in the mommy wars.”