I wish my WOHM friends would stop judging my SAHM parenting

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you had SAHM acquaintances, they would criticize your parenting, too. Some mothers just do this. I think it's a result of some combination of:

(1) needing to justify the way they did things to themselves by treating it as The Only Right Way to do things
(2) insecurity in their choices, which manifests as attacks on people who do things differently, because they see someone doing something differently as an implicit attack on them
(3) overinvestment in a particular style of parenting or a parenting choice as a part of their identity, and thus the desire to proselytize/attack others
(4) just generally being a judgy bitch

I don't think it's really about SAHM/WOHM. It's about the way we treat parenting in this country as a competitive sport, and put SO MUCH on parents, especially mothers, to provide "optimal" everything, like their kids are sports cars to be fine-tuned, and blaming them for anything that their kids do or don't do.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your husband that it comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Also, it is culture dependent. Some cultures value pleasantry more than others, so may be your friends do not attach value to being pleasant and tactful and more to justifying their choices in life. By putting you down, they rise up. It’s not about your choices op in parenting, it’s about theirs. And if it wasn’t about parenting, it would be about schools, work, travel, cooking, or any other area where they want to justify their choices in life and rise up at the expense of putting you down. Unfortunately, I know some people like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you had SAHM acquaintances, they would criticize your parenting, too. Some mothers just do this. I think it's a result of some combination of:

(1) needing to justify the way they did things to themselves by treating it as The Only Right Way to do things
(2) insecurity in their choices, which manifests as attacks on people who do things differently, because they see someone doing something differently as an implicit attack on them
(3) overinvestment in a particular style of parenting or a parenting choice as a part of their identity, and thus the desire to proselytize/attack others
(4) just generally being a judgy bitch

I don't think it's really about SAHM/WOHM. It's about the way we treat parenting in this country as a competitive sport, and put SO MUCH on parents, especially mothers, to provide "optimal" everything, like their kids are sports cars to be fine-tuned, and blaming them for anything that their kids do or don't do.

Ugh this is so damn true!

[Anonymous]

I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is jealous of a SAHM.

No, plenty of people are jealous of rich sahms. Let’s be real, anyone would quit their job if they got a windfall so big, they’d never have to work again.

[Anonymous]

OP is this your first child? Same for your friends?

I ask because the first time around it’s easy to feel like you have parenting all figured out. Sure, you offer platitudes that “all kids are different” but you don’t get it until your second kid comes along and the potty training strategy that worked perfectly for your first turns out to be a complete disaster for your second.

It sounds like your friends have one young baby and are somewhat insecure and very inexperienced. This can be a very difficult situation to cope with if you’re used to feeling competent and experienced in your work life. They’re overcompensating to try their parenting insecurities. It’ll pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost nervous to toss this out there but it's been really weighing on me lately. I know people have strong feelings on this issue.

I'm a SAHM of a toddler and most of the women I know are not. That's fine! I assumed I'd be a WOHM, but my life took a left turn when my child was born. I don't judge people for working, or for putting kids in daycare or hiring nannies. I think it's all fine and whatever works for your family!

But I am extremely tired of getting unsolicited parenting "advice" form my WOHM friends! Some of it is straight up rude, telling me that kids who have nannies or go to daycare do better because they are being cared for by a professional. Telling me I need to do things the way their nanny does it, or that they way I do something is wrong. The other day a friend told me that she thinks potty training delays are mostly due to parental laziness, even though her daughter was mostly potty trained at daycare (and my kid potty trained late, which she knows!).

It's just rude and hurtful. I know I'm a good mom and I've found a way to make this situation work for my family even though I was kind of thrown into it. But I am still a person! I know a big part of the problem is that I don't know any SAHMs, but it's just a rarity in my area and in our social circle. I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff. But it would be nice if they could have a little more sensitivity. My husband says that it probably comes from a place of insecurity or jealousy. Which I get, but these are smart, accomplished women. I wish they would find other ways to deal with their feelings than making me feel terrible.

Anyway, just a vent. And if you are a WOHM, maybe think about this stuff before you say it. It's really hurtful.

The bolded is trying to justify their choices.

The underlined may be rude or may be you being on the defensive - I find myself exchanging tips and tricks with mom friends all the time. I'm looking for feedback as well as saying what worked for us, but if you enter that conversation already feeling judged you might not take it in the sense of parenting exchange and just hear "do it my way."

The italicized is dumb, unless she's saying she's a lazy parent so the potty training wouldn't have happened without the daycare doing the heavy lifting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

+1 I have friends who work and friends who stay home. I've never had conversations like these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

[Anonymous]

LOL, who has time to engage in this stuff IRL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

This. Ive been both a SAHM and a working mom. None of my friends ever acted like this (at least to my face haha). The only thing I could see happening is if you're venting and they are offering advice. Like saying how exhausted you are or how much you need a break and someone telling you your kid would be just fine in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

OP here. It doesn't work both ways though. I have never and would never criticize any WOHM for "not raising their children." Maybe you have met SAHMs who do that, but I never do, because it's not what I believe. And it's not a question of bing confident in my decision -- being a SAHM was something that was decided for me by circumstance. I am happy with my experience, but I don't view it as something I picked over working. Anymore than some of my friends "chose" being a WOHM, as staying home was not an option for their family situation.

I was both SAHM and WOHM and I can assure you that there are as many jerky SAHMs as there are jerky WOHMs. You just don't see the jerky SAHMs because you are a SAHM.

Fortunately the jerky ones of either type are rare and should just be locked in a cage match together and let the rest of us live peacefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

OP here. It doesn't work both ways though. I have never and would never criticize any WOHM for "not raising their children." Maybe you have met SAHMs who do that, but I never do, because it's not what I believe. And it's not a question of bing confident in my decision -- being a SAHM was something that was decided for me by circumstance. I am happy with my experience, but I don't view it as something I picked over working. Anymore than some of my friends "chose" being a WOHM, as staying home was not an option for their family situation.

I was both SAHM and WOHM and I can assure you that there are as many jerky SAHMs as there are jerky WOHMs. You just don't see the jerky SAHMs because you are a SAHM.

Fortunately the jerky ones of either type are rare and should just be locked in a cage match together and let the rest of us live peacefully.

This. I got asked by a SAMH if I was ok with other people raising my kids last year by a good SAHM friend who had too much to drink. Please note my twins are 11!

It never ends.

[Anonymous]

Maybe, whether you realize it or not, you lobbed an insult or smug comment first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost nervous to toss this out there but it's been really weighing on me lately. I know people have strong feelings on this issue.

I'm a SAHM of a toddler and most of the women I know are not. That's fine! I assumed I'd be a WOHM, but my life took a left turn when my child was born. I don't judge people for working, or for putting kids in daycare or hiring nannies. I think it's all fine and whatever works for your family!

But I am extremely tired of getting unsolicited parenting "advice" form my WOHM friends! Some of it is straight up rude, telling me that kids who have nannies or go to daycare do better because they are being cared for by a professional. Telling me I need to do things the way their nanny does it, or that they way I do something is wrong. The other day a friend told me that she thinks potty training delays are mostly due to parental laziness, even though her daughter was mostly potty trained at daycare (and my kid potty trained late, which she knows!).

It's just rude and hurtful. I know I'm a good mom and I've found a way to make this situation work for my family even though I was kind of thrown into it. But I am still a person! I know a big part of the problem is that I don't know any SAHMs, but it's just a rarity in my area and in our social circle. I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff. But it would be nice if they could have a little more sensitivity. My husband says that it probably comes from a place of insecurity or jealousy. Which I get, but these are smart, accomplished women. I wish they would find other ways to deal with their feelings than making me feel terrible.

Anyway, just a vent. And if you are a WOHM, maybe think about this stuff before you say it. It's really hurtful.

The bolded is trying to justify their choices.

The underlined may be rude or may be you being on the defensive - I find myself exchanging tips and tricks with mom friends all the time. I'm looking for feedback as well as saying what worked for us, but if you enter that conversation already feeling judged you might not take it in the sense of parenting exchange and just hear "do it my way."

The italicized is dumb, unless she's saying she's a lazy parent so the potty training wouldn't have happened without the daycare doing the heavy lifting?

I agree -- some of these comments are insensitive, but some of them might just be poorly worded attempts to give advice, and I doubt she was even thinking of your kid when she made the potty-training comment. She was thinking of some other friend or relative who is refusing to train their four-year-old or something. She might "know" that your kid training late, but it's not at the forefront of her mind.

And it's not a WOHM thing. It's an insecure/smug/judgy/competitive mom thing, and there are plenty of those of every employment status.