I wish my WOHM friends would stop judging my SAHM parenting

[Anonymous]

I would just find some SAHM friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As other posters have said, I (SAHM of 4 yo and 1 yo) also find it hard to be real friends at this stage with WOHM. It seems like we just have very different lifestyles, challenges, values, etc. Women with young children need support, and for a lot of us that means sort of "sheltering" with people who are like us. If you can find other SAHM's, do it! Look online, even.

I do feel like a lot of WOHM's have made totally unsolicited comments to me about how great daycare is, etc. It really seems to come out of nowhere. When I was a super new mom, I engaged more in parenting conversations with other people, but now I try to avoid it as much as possible. I don't even like to ask if someone works or not.

I had a friend who constantly sent me job listings and would say things like "If you got this job, our kids could go to daycare together!" I told her multiple times that I wasn't looking to return to work anytime soon. A lot of the job listings were for like entry level admin jobs too (I have a graduate degree and used to manage a team of 20 people).

I think she was just in love with the idea of having a friend working nearby, being able to share some daycare logistics, and having a person in the same situation. I get it, I want that too! But I don't think she had any idea how tone-deaf it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(I'm not saying this is you) My SAHM friends get really caught up in the little things and talk about it a lot. One talks about cosleeping and how it's ruining her life. She talks about it weekly when I see her. Another has major issues with potty training and trained for like a year- for both her kids! I think this is more of a personality difference, but I'm really a take charge type of person. With potty training I 100% believed they could get it before 2 and told them this is what's going to happen, and it did. I potty trained my nephews too in a weekend. With cosleeping I walked them back constantly until they didn't leave their beds. Oh and daycare did not help me with any of that.

I just think sahms get really caught up in the minutiae of babies/toddlers versus seeing things as very solvable problems.

Anyone of any employment status can be a problem solver. Just because you have a job doesn’t mean you have superior skills. In your case, I guess your “take charge” personality is just a euphemism for “patronizing bitch.”

You're the only one saying that only problem solvers can hold paying jobs. I didn't state that at all. It's just that it's the non problem solvers who whine about these issues. I have SAHM friends who are rocking their jobs. I'm not patronizing at all.

What are you blabbering about? Reread your comments and PP’s response to your comment because you seem to have lost all logical train of thought somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, stop it OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, stop it OP.

?

I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

You need SAHM friends. Start a playgroup in your area. I’m sure you’ll find some who’d love to hang with you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

I am OP. What I meant is that when you SAH, sometimes you need ideas for how to keep your kid occupied all day everyday, or ideas for snacks that pack well, or other things that someone whose kid is in daycare might not think much about. It wasn't a slight on WOHMs or a commentary on their parenting. It's a recognition that my friends with jobs probably do not want to spend time discussing story time schedules or the benefits of napping at home versus napping on the run. But I do have to deal with that stuff. I probably would not enjoy discussing daycare payment policies either.

You’re dismissing them as parents And having a shared experience in general because they work out of the home. Do you think that a WOH parent never has to amuse their kid all day (hint: most jobs are only 5 days a week). You may have more in common about naps too as even parents who work have places they want to be on the weekend, and are bound to nap schedules and it’s a pain no matter what you do. They also probably have to feed their kids on the go, and pack snacks and lunches for various reasons.

Parenting is parenting OP, whether you work outside the home or not. WOH parents are still parents, and have to think about nap times, snacks, And keeping their kid busy too. Maybe they don’t do it in the level that you do, but they also do it on a different level and may have ideas that work for you BECAUSE they have different challenges, or the same challenges, just in a different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

I am OP. What I meant is that when you SAH, sometimes you need ideas for how to keep your kid occupied all day everyday, or ideas for snacks that pack well, or other things that someone whose kid is in daycare might not think much about. It wasn't a slight on WOHMs or a commentary on their parenting. It's a recognition that my friends with jobs probably do not want to spend time discussing story time schedules or the benefits of napping at home versus napping on the run. But I do have to deal with that stuff. I probably would not enjoy discussing daycare payment policies either.

You’re dismissing them as parents And having a shared experience in general because they work out of the home. Do you think that a WOH parent never has to amuse their kid all day (hint: most jobs are only 5 days a week). You may have more in common about naps too as even parents who work have places they want to be on the weekend, and are bound to nap schedules and it’s a pain no matter what you do. They also probably have to feed their kids on the go, and pack snacks and lunches for various reasons.

Parenting is parenting OP, whether you work outside the home or not. WOH parents are still parents, and have to think about nap times, snacks, And keeping their kid busy too. Maybe they don’t do it in the level that you do, but they also do it on a different level and may have ideas that work for you BECAUSE they have different challenges, or the same challenges, just in a different way.

Wow this is so much. OP said she doesn't expect her WOHM friends to "get into the weeds with her on certain parenting things." That's it. She didn't say she never talks to them about parenting, just that she knows that some stuff is not going to be as interesting to them. Which is true.

Also, and I know this will offend some people, but I agree with OP that getting unsolicited advice about parenting from WOHP is annoying if you are SAH. I don't get offended by it, but I pretty much always disregard it. The idea that someone whose kids are in full-time daycare or who has a full-time nanny would be able to give me advice on day-to-day parenting stuff is silly. They just don't have the hours. It's one thing if it's like "I bought this product and it's useful." But if a WOHM tries to explain to me how to potty train or adjust a nap schedule? Girl, I know your nanny is doing 80% of that for you. I humor them, but no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

PP here. That’s so interesting.
Do you think that I am a SAHM or WOHM? Would you read it differently if I was one vs the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

I am OP. What I meant is that when you SAH, sometimes you need ideas for how to keep your kid occupied all day everyday, or ideas for snacks that pack well, or other things that someone whose kid is in daycare might not think much about. It wasn't a slight on WOHMs or a commentary on their parenting. It's a recognition that my friends with jobs probably do not want to spend time discussing story time schedules or the benefits of napping at home versus napping on the run. But I do have to deal with that stuff. I probably would not enjoy discussing daycare payment policies either.

You’re dismissing them as parents And having a shared experience in general because they work out of the home. Do you think that a WOH parent never has to amuse their kid all day (hint: most jobs are only 5 days a week). You may have more in common about naps too as even parents who work have places they want to be on the weekend, and are bound to nap schedules and it’s a pain no matter what you do. They also probably have to feed their kids on the go, and pack snacks and lunches for various reasons.

Parenting is parenting OP, whether you work outside the home or not. WOH parents are still parents, and have to think about nap times, snacks, And keeping their kid busy too. Maybe they don’t do it in the level that you do, but they also do it on a different level and may have ideas that work for you BECAUSE they have different challenges, or the same challenges, just in a different way.

Wow this is so much. OP said she doesn't expect her WOHM friends to "get into the weeds with her on certain parenting things." That's it. She didn't say she never talks to them about parenting, just that she knows that some stuff is not going to be as interesting to them. Which is true.

Also, and I know this will offend some people, but I agree with OP that getting unsolicited advice about parenting from WOHP is annoying if you are SAH. I don't get offended by it, but I pretty much always disregard it. The idea that someone whose kids are in full-time daycare or who has a full-time nanny would be able to give me advice on day-to-day parenting stuff is silly. They just don't have the hours. It's one thing if it's like "I bought this product and it's useful." But if a WOHM tries to explain to me how to potty train or adjust a nap schedule? Girl, I know your nanny is doing 80% of that for you. I humor them, but no.

You are going to really struggle with teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

Or it comes from SAH parents making supposedly innocent comments like, "oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it! I could never bear to leave my small children, they are my everything!"

If I hear this sort of comment, I will absolutely go for the jugular. With a smile.

Why does this bother you any more than, "How can you stand being a lawyer? I could never read that much boring stuff?" I am not a SAHM and haven't said this, but why can't it just be their experience/preference and nothing more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

Or it comes from SAH parents making supposedly innocent comments like, "oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it! I could never bear to leave my small children, they are my everything!"

If I hear this sort of comment, I will absolutely go for the jugular. With a smile.

Why does this bother you any more than, "How can you stand being a lawyer? I could never read that much boring stuff?" I am not a SAHM and haven't said this, but why can't it just be their experience/preference and nothing more?

DP. Can you really not tell the difference from your example? That's something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

Or it comes from SAH parents making supposedly innocent comments like, "oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it! I could never bear to leave my small children, they are my everything!"

If I hear this sort of comment, I will absolutely go for the jugular. With a smile.

Why does this bother you any more than, "How can you stand being a lawyer? I could never read that much boring stuff?" I am not a SAHM and haven't said this, but why can't it just be their experience/preference and nothing more?

DP. Can you really not tell the difference from your example? That's something.

No I really can't, because I take it as about the other person and who they are, and neither one would bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

Or it comes from SAH parents making supposedly innocent comments like, "oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it! I could never bear to leave my small children, they are my everything!"

If I hear this sort of comment, I will absolutely go for the jugular. With a smile.

Why does this bother you any more than, "How can you stand being a lawyer? I could never read that much boring stuff?" I am not a SAHM and haven't said this, but why can't it just be their experience/preference and nothing more?

DP. Can you really not tell the difference from your example? That's something.

No I really can't, because I take it as about the other person and who they are, and neither one would bother me.

Another DP.

Your example would be better illustrated with “how can you stand to be a SAH mom? I can’t imagine losing my identity like that.” It’s the equivalent kind of dig at the other person’s values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It works both ways. SAHM’s constantly criticize WOHM’s for not raising their children. If you are so confident in your decision, just ignore the comments.

And here we go again.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. This area is particularly annoying because there’s a substantial number of working who do not feel complete unless they are putting down SAHPs. It comes from a place of insecurity and a massive victim complex. They don’t know how not to be on the attack.

Or it comes from SAH parents making supposedly innocent comments like, "oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it! I could never bear to leave my small children, they are my everything!"

If I hear this sort of comment, I will absolutely go for the jugular. With a smile.

Why does this bother you any more than, "How can you stand being a lawyer? I could never read that much boring stuff?" I am not a SAHM and haven't said this, but why can't it just be their experience/preference and nothing more?

Seriously? Because the underlying assumption is that they love their kids so much they couldn't bear to be apart from them, but women who work can. The implication is that WOHMs love their kids less. It's not the same as saying that someone else's job is boring, although that's rude AF, too.