I wish my WOHM friends would stop judging my SAHM parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all the kind comments! I knew this would get some mommy wars stuff because I've been on DCUM before, but I appreciate everyone who offered genuine advice and empathy.

I particularly appreciate the point that SAHM are as likely to be judgmental or unkind, I just don't know that because I don't know many SAHMs. This really had not occurred to me! I think I am a little sensitive about being a SAHM because it's uncommon in my area and social circle, and I may have assumed the rude comments were because people judge me for staying home. But it makes sense that this is just something that happens between moms sometimes, regardless of circumstance. We are all under a lot of pressure and the expectations are not realistic.

And yes, this is my first child and most of my friends are first time moms, or if they have multiple kids, they are all very young. Thank you to those of you who pointed out that it's a particularly insecure time for moms and that it might make this behavior worse. I definitely see how that would be true. I've been looking forward to my kid hitting school age for a bunch of reasons, but maybe it will also help everyone relax a bit and be a little less defensive (maybe? it seems people get pretty intense about school stuff too!). Anyway, thank you.

OP, you seem well-intentioned and sweet. You are at what I consider the most vulnerable part of parenting. Just remember that everyone is vulnerable, and they don't always express it well. I did both SAHM and WOHM, and I can tell you nobody has a lock on thoughtless remarks.

Just wait until your kids are teens! All of this will seem quaint and irrelevant. Man, the stories I hear now -- potty training will seem like a fun memory!

[Anonymous]

You need to make new friends. I’m in a group with both WOHM and SAHM and no one does this.

[Anonymous]

they feel guilty. the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If nothing else this thread shows a lot of working moms are huge jerks about parenting. It’s not just the women you know, OP.

Insecurity and meanness go hand in hand.

I've done both roles, my kids are teens now, and if you think WOHMs have a corner on the market in insecurity and meanness, you are deluded.

But I do think it's fairly rare in real life. I don't know why people are so nasty online. My friends of all types are not like this.

+1. There are plenty of people on all sides of this who are jerks. If you think it is only WOHM (or SAHMs) who do this, you are kidding yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

I am OP. What I meant is that when you SAH, sometimes you need ideas for how to keep your kid occupied all day everyday, or ideas for snacks that pack well, or other things that someone whose kid is in daycare might not think much about. It wasn't a slight on WOHMs or a commentary on their parenting. It's a recognition that my friends with jobs probably do not want to spend time discussing story time schedules or the benefits of napping at home versus napping on the run. But I do have to deal with that stuff. I probably would not enjoy discussing daycare payment policies either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL, who has time to engage in this stuff IRL?

During a pandemic nonetheless. Who is hanging out with friends to this degree? Or has OP been stewing about imagined slights for 6 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

I am OP. What I meant is that when you SAH, sometimes you need ideas for how to keep your kid occupied all day everyday, or ideas for snacks that pack well, or other things that someone whose kid is in daycare might not think much about. It wasn't a slight on WOHMs or a commentary on their parenting. It's a recognition that my friends with jobs probably do not want to spend time discussing story time schedules or the benefits of napping at home versus napping on the run. But I do have to deal with that stuff. I probably would not enjoy discussing daycare payment policies either.

Im a SAHM and I don’t enjoy discussing story time schedule or napping logistics either.

OP, you have taken maternal navel gazing to another level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(I'm not saying this is you) My SAHM friends get really caught up in the little things and talk about it a lot. One talks about cosleeping and how it's ruining her life. She talks about it weekly when I see her. Another has major issues with potty training and trained for like a year- for both her kids! I think this is more of a personality difference, but I'm really a take charge type of person. With potty training I 100% believed they could get it before 2 and told them this is what's going to happen, and it did. I potty trained my nephews too in a weekend. With cosleeping I walked them back constantly until they didn't leave their beds. Oh and daycare did not help me with any of that.

I just think sahms get really caught up in the minutiae of babies/toddlers versus seeing things as very solvable problems.

Anyone of any employment status can be a problem solver. Just because you have a job doesn’t mean you have superior skills. In your case, I guess your “take charge” personality is just a euphemism for “patronizing bitch.”

You're the only one saying that only problem solvers can hold paying jobs. I didn't state that at all. It's just that it's the non problem solvers who whine about these issues. I have SAHM friends who are rocking their jobs. I'm not patronizing at all.

Bwahahahahaha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I kind of get the idea that you’re judging your WOH friends as not being “in the weeds” of parenting like a SAH parent would be. You’d rather take the advice of a blog than that of your friends, and even secondhand help from their nannies, who often really know their stuff because they’ve done it many times before. You’re dismissing them because they - what - don’t grind in it all day, every day, like you do?

Also, think about why you need to go with “jealous and insecure” vs “opinion different than mine” or “trying to offer a different way of doing /perspective of things”.

I don’t think the mommy wars are as real as are people who just fluff over everything. I don’t know of ANY family that does things the same way. Sometimes hearing different perspectives is helpful, sometimes it’s just something you need to move along from. But you’re really putting too much stock into the WOH/SAH dynamics at play here, other than your own insecurities and biases.

This comment just stokes mommy wars stuff. You "kind of get the idea that" OP is judging WOHM? She says several times that she doesn't judge them and I see nothing in her post to indicate that she thinks they made bad choices.

Also, it was her husband who called them jealous and insecure.

Also, people who "try to offer a different way of doing things/perspective on things" are THE WORST. Whether they have jobs or stay at home. I can't stand the "oh, have you tried...?" parent. If I want advice, I'll ask for it. This is rude, it comes of as judgmental, and it has very little to do with actually helping people. It's entirely about trying to position yourself as an expert among peers. It's tiresome.

[Anonymous]

As other posters have said, I (SAHM of 4 yo and 1 yo) also find it hard to be real friends at this stage with WOHM. It seems like we just have very different lifestyles, challenges, values, etc. Women with young children need support, and for a lot of us that means sort of "sheltering" with people who are like us. If you can find other SAHM's, do it! Look online, even.

I do feel like a lot of WOHM's have made totally unsolicited comments to me about how great daycare is, etc. It really seems to come out of nowhere. When I was a super new mom, I engaged more in parenting conversations with other people, but now I try to avoid it as much as possible. I don't even like to ask if someone works or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As other posters have said, I (SAHM of 4 yo and 1 yo) also find it hard to be real friends at this stage with WOHM. It seems like we just have very different lifestyles, challenges, values, etc. Women with young children need support, and for a lot of us that means sort of "sheltering" with people who are like us. If you can find other SAHM's, do it! Look online, even.

I do feel like a lot of WOHM's have made totally unsolicited comments to me about how great daycare is, etc. It really seems to come out of nowhere. When I was a super new mom, I engaged more in parenting conversations with other people, but now I try to avoid it as much as possible. I don't even like to ask if someone works or not.

You think you have different values? But your not judging at all?

And if you are going to criticize them for making comments about how great daycare is, do you really think that you have never made a comment about how nice it is to have time with your DC? I think both of these comments can be entirely reasonable and harmless, but if you are going to criticize (possibly) innocuous comment A you should hold yourself responsible for (possibly) innocuous comment B.

[Anonymous]

They are telling you that their nannies are better moms to their kids than what you are to your kid! Yes, insulsting as hell. But also telling. They do not think of themselves as primary care givers to their children.
It is the equialent of you telling them, that "on the weekend make sure your nanny is there for your kid. You don't know how to take your kid to the potty and you don't want Jimmy to regress."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As other posters have said, I (SAHM of 4 yo and 1 yo) also find it hard to be real friends at this stage with WOHM. It seems like we just have very different lifestyles, challenges, values, etc. Women with young children need support, and for a lot of us that means sort of "sheltering" with people who are like us. If you can find other SAHM's, do it! Look online, even.

I do feel like a lot of WOHM's have made totally unsolicited comments to me about how great daycare is, etc. It really seems to come out of nowhere. When I was a super new mom, I engaged more in parenting conversations with other people, but now I try to avoid it as much as possible. I don't even like to ask if someone works or not.

And I as a WOHM get the unsolicited "But I love them so much, it would break my heart to have to leave them with someone else!"

Clearly, I just don't love mine as much...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

I am OP. What I meant is that when you SAH, sometimes you need ideas for how to keep your kid occupied all day everyday, or ideas for snacks that pack well, or other things that someone whose kid is in daycare might not think much about. It wasn't a slight on WOHMs or a commentary on their parenting. It's a recognition that my friends with jobs probably do not want to spend time discussing story time schedules or the benefits of napping at home versus napping on the run. But I do have to deal with that stuff. I probably would not enjoy discussing daycare payment policies either.

I get that, but what you don't seem to understand is that you are also saying things that your WOHM friends could interpret as nasty. In other words, if your WOHM friends are sensitive the way you are, you are being as mean as you say they are.

You are coming across as pretty self-absorbed in your posts, and I think, gently, you need to stop the navel gazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As other posters have said, I (SAHM of 4 yo and 1 yo) also find it hard to be real friends at this stage with WOHM. It seems like we just have very different lifestyles, challenges, values, etc. Women with young children need support, and for a lot of us that means sort of "sheltering" with people who are like us. If you can find other SAHM's, do it! Look online, even.

I do feel like a lot of WOHM's have made totally unsolicited comments to me about how great daycare is, etc. It really seems to come out of nowhere. When I was a super new mom, I engaged more in parenting conversations with other people, but now I try to avoid it as much as possible. I don't even like to ask if someone works or not.

As someone who has been both, this is a load of pathetic malarkey. I had amazing WOHM friends when I was a SAHM and vice versa. This is a problem with you, not with other people.