Reply to Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go. [/quote]

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??[/quote]

PP here. I can only speak to my DH, but I think he was raised with some screwed up ideas about feelings and masculinity. His dad was very silent and also quick to anger, and I think his mom did not think to talk to him about feelings because he was a boy and she considered that "girl" stuff. I know the phrase "toxic masculinity" is very en vogue right now, but it's real.

Which reminds me of something that I do think is helping over time -- we also have young kids, and I have really worked hard with them on emotional regulation thanks to some wonderful parenting advice I got when my oldest was starting to have meltdowns. The whole family is involved with it and we talk a lot about acknowledging and validating feelings, and then finding productive ways to calm ourselves and regulate our emotions. Even though it's not something my DH would have come up with on his own, he's very committed to making sure our kids learn healthy ways to regulate their emotions. Talking about this as a family and doing some of the practices for helping our kids when they are dealing with big emotions has really boosted DH's vocabulary and awareness of emotional issues. He's still not great at it, but I think he at least sees how valuable it is because he's seen how much it's helped our kids. I think that's one of the reasons he's been so supportive of my therapy -- he realizes this is just a normal human need and not me just being demanding or difficult.[/quote]

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