Blindsided by potential cheating—how can I protect myself and the kids financially?

[Anonymous]

I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I found a cell phone message of my husband’s that somehow went to our children’s iPad in which he assured the woman he was communicating with that it’s all clear, their messages wouldn’t go to the iPad, she said that made her happy, he said that’s what he shoots for, then wrote “good night (with a kiss face emoji) baby girl.”

I am 42 and he is 43. We have been married 16 years (together for 25) and have two young children. My mind is reeling and I’m trying to figure out my next steps.

We are in a difficult situation in that my parents live next door in the attached apartment and help us with the mortgage. They’ve also been the de facto parents as husband works at least 14 hour days (he used to work 80-100 hours a week but works less now and thinks he should get a medal).

We have a lot of out of pocket medical
expenses as I’m using a homeopathic doctor to help me and the children with some chronic things. I mommy tracked my career because he is never ever home.

We live in a very high cost of living area. Our mortgage alone is almost $4700 a month. We have no debt other than the house (on which we owe over $600,000). We have less than $100,000 saves for retirement and it’s just about all in his account. We have no pensions.

I can’t think straight and I just don’t believe what he’s told me about the messages. I’m thinking to hire someone so I can get real evidence (which will also cost me).

During the pandemic I was able to keep my job but now that things are opening I am working remote at less than 1/4 my original salary.

Any help appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Get an attorney, STAT.

From where I sit, it sounds like you're in a pretty good position.

And I'm sorry to say that many of us have discovered affairs, particularly during covid. Myself included. Not much consultation but you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I'd wager 85% of married men are scumbags. As faithful as their opportunities.

[Anonymous]

First please breathe.

Start by every time you go to grocery store, target, lowes, etc get a visa cash card. Doesn't need to be large amounts. This way he won't ask. Put them somewhere safe.

Make copies of all financial records like tomorrow. Retirement accounts, savings, checking, etc...Also put in a safe place.

Try not to let him know any of your plans til you get all your ducks in a row.

Contact a lawyer asap.

While your parents sort of complicate things, they will hopefully be a source of help for you. i would not tell them anything for a week or two til you again start getting some monies and advice from a professional.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. Agree with PP to get an attorney. Make copies of any financial documents that you can find so that you have a starting point.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. First, though, stop seeing the homeopathic doctor. I swear it’s expensive quackery. Then see a good lawyer and get your ducks in a row. In two years, you’ll be through it all and so much better off.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the responses. I cannot stop the homeopathic Dr (who is an MD), he’s the only thing helping my children and myself.

Anyone think this could be something innocent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. I cannot stop the homeopathic Dr (who is an MD), he’s the only thing helping my children and myself.

Anyone think this could be something innocent?

No, there is no other way to interpret those messages I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask him? If so act quickly. If not, gather more evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First please breathe.

Start by every time you go to grocery store, target, lowes, etc get a visa cash card. Doesn't need to be large amounts. This way he won't ask. Put them somewhere safe.

Make copies of all financial records like tomorrow. Retirement accounts, savings, checking, etc...Also put in a safe place.

Try not to let him know any of your plans til you get all your ducks in a row.

Contact a lawyer asap.

While your parents sort of complicate things, they will hopefully be a source of help for you. i would not tell them anything for a week or two til you again start getting some monies and advice from a professional.

This is great advice. Get a really good lawyer, STAT. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Please make sure your children are not getting those messages on the iPad. I know from painful personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Was he really working 80-100 hours a week or doing something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an attorney, STAT.

From where I sit, it sounds like you're in a pretty good position.

And I'm sorry to say that many of us have discovered affairs, particularly during covid. Myself included. Not much consultation but you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I'd wager 85% of married men are scumbags. As faithful as their opportunities.

Wow, sexist much. You do understand that if most of these men are cheating with women...so the 85% must be true for them as well. Just saying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I found a cell phone message of my husband’s that somehow went to our children’s iPad in which he assured the woman he was communicating with that it’s all clear, their messages wouldn’t go to the iPad, she said that made her happy, he said that’s what he shoots for, then wrote “good night (with a kiss face emoji) baby girl.”

I am 42 and he is 43. We have been married 16 years (together for 25) and have two young children. My mind is reeling and I’m trying to figure out my next steps.

We are in a difficult situation in that my parents live next door in the attached apartment and help us with the mortgage. They’ve also been the de facto parents as husband works at least 14 hour days (he used to work 80-100 hours a week but works less now and thinks he should get a medal).

We have a lot of out of pocket medical
expenses as I’m using a homeopathic doctor to help me and the children with some chronic things. I mommy tracked my career because he is never ever home.

We live in a very high cost of living area. Our mortgage alone is almost $4700 a month. We have no debt other than the house (on which we owe over $600,000). We have less than $100,000 saves for retirement and it’s just about all in his account. We have no pensions.

I can’t think straight and I just don’t believe what he’s told me about the messages. I’m thinking to hire someone so I can get real evidence (which will also cost me).

During the pandemic I was able to keep my job but now that things are opening I am working remote at less than 1/4 my original salary.

Any help appreciated.

You need to go back to a full time job and reduce your housing situation. Your mortgage is insane especially with little savings. And, cut back on the doctors and use insurance covered only.

He's cheating. He's lying. I'd take the kids and move in with your parents. Or, if they have the smaller place, they move into yours and he can move into theirs.

[Anonymous]

See a lawyer.

Start making more income, if at all possible.

Consult the tables to gauge child support.

Sell the house, split your assets, including the amount in his retirement account (at least the part that was earned while you were together = marital property).


You and your parents move elsewhere.

Set up a fair custody arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer. Don't expect alimony or child support to cover homeopathy or being a sahm or continuing to live in your current home. Decide if you want to stay given those constraints. Some people do.

Also get an std test.