Blindsided by potential cheating—how can I protect myself and the kids financially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an attorney, STAT.

From where I sit, it sounds like you're in a pretty good position.

And I'm sorry to say that many of us have discovered affairs, particularly during covid. Myself included. Not much consultation but you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I'd wager 85% of married men are scumbags. As faithful as their opportunities.

Wow, sexist much. You do understand that if most of these men are cheating with women...so the 85% must be true for them as well. Just saying

Yea, not all of the women are married. Logic is hard, I get it.

I know of which I speak.

Go ahead and bury your head in the sand if you wish, you're not immune to it either.

85% is pretty high. I don’t believe that number. I’ve never cheated on my wife and never will.

Also, homeopathy is fake - not real medicine or treatments.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8HslUzw35mc

The placebo effect is real though.

She believes they work.

[Anonymous]

OP here—I should clarify the Doctor we see is an MD and practices integrative medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here—I should clarify the Doctor we see is an MD and practices integrative medicine.

There are quacks with MDs, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here—I should clarify the Doctor we see is an MD and practices integrative medicine.

how much are you spending on this? and is it sustainable if you split with DH? those are the questions.

[Anonymous]

There is no way to protect yourself or your children. Divorce is financially devastating. No way to sugar coat that fact. You will survive. You will need to get a job or a better job. Get a great lawyer but don't waste money on litigation. Ensure he gets to have a relationship with your kids (so their future is protected).

[Anonymous]

You should see a lawyer immediately. Try out a couple and see what they say.

You have almost no money, so there isn't a lot to argue about other than whether you will get alimony, how much, and for how long.

You don't say what your husband's income is but you could be getting half of a pretty big number, for a while, and not be able to cover $4700 PITI.

If you divorce, it is virtually certain that you're going to have to sell the house as part of that process, so I would start thinking about how you will address this with your parents and what their options may be.

You should start thinking about how to un-mommy-track yourself.

[Anonymous]

+1 for lawyer lawyer lawyer. You will likely have to pay to interview the lawyers, which sucks, but is CRITICAL. I had to do all this for my mother recently and learned a ton. Ideally, you would get a really solid recommendation from people you know, but there are also organizations like the Bar associations for your state and some national-level organizations that can be sources of referrals.

Also, one piece of advice - in addition to the very good advice to buy gift cards every time you go out - use a debit card whenever possible and take out extra cash on top of the payment every time, as much as you think you can swing under the radar.

[Anonymous]

This will be an unpopular question but did you do anything to make him seek physical connection outside the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will be an unpopular question but did you do anything to make him seek physical connection outside the marriage?

Oh, who cares. It has nothing to do with the financial question she's asking. Take your crap to Relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to break with the rest of the board and say that you should try to work on it. Get into counseling. Many people work through infidelity.

Based on everything you describe about your situation, your kids and your quality of life will absolutely plummet in a way that won't recover after a divorce.

This. Before you make any rash decisions, please get individual therapy and marriage therapy (if he is willing and wants to save the marriage - if he doesn't or isn't apologetic, then divorce). It can be worked through. You have young children.
Also, being a realist, you have no money and this will financially impact you forever - regardless of it being his fault. It is worth trying to work through it. At 42, with 50% of your retirement, you will have 50k in the bank. You will not be able to retire. You have no equity in your house. You have made significantly bad financial decisions. I hate to be the one to tell you but you are starting from scratch in your 40s if you divorce. That 50k will be eaten by lawyer fees, you may get some child support or alimony but he will most likely file for bankruptcy.

It isn't pretty.

[Anonymous]

The homeopathy will have to go, OP. The doses are too small for them to have any measurable clinical effect, this has been proven time and again in reputable scientific journals. But if you need regular-dosed supplements, those do help. Magnesium, potassium, B vitamins, they can make a real difference in your quality of life - just not in homeopathic doses! So read up on all these things. You're flushing money down the toilet right now.

- research scientist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to break with the rest of the board and say that you should try to work on it. Get into counseling. Many people work through infidelity.

Based on everything you describe about your situation, your kids and your quality of life will absolutely plummet in a way that won't recover after a divorce.

This. Before you make any rash decisions, please get individual therapy and marriage therapy (if he is willing and wants to save the marriage - if he doesn't or isn't apologetic, then divorce). It can be worked through. You have young children.
Also, being a realist, you have no money and this will financially impact you forever - regardless of it being his fault. It is worth trying to work through it. At 42, with 50% of your retirement, you will have 50k in the bank. You will not be able to retire. You have no equity in your house. You have made significantly bad financial decisions. I hate to be the one to tell you but you are starting from scratch in your 40s if you divorce. That 50k will be eaten by lawyer fees, you may get some child support or alimony but he will most likely file for bankruptcy.

It isn't pretty.

This is a hard no.

OP your children deserve better. Divorce him, he lied to you over and over again. Why would you want someone like that? STD"s? Dishonestly? And financially you are already a mess leaving him won't make it worse it will be hard in the begining but you can do this for your children to have a better life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to break with the rest of the board and say that you should try to work on it. Get into counseling. Many people work through infidelity.

Based on everything you describe about your situation, your kids and your quality of life will absolutely plummet in a way that won't recover after a divorce.

This. Before you make any rash decisions, please get individual therapy and marriage therapy (if he is willing and wants to save the marriage - if he doesn't or isn't apologetic, then divorce). It can be worked through. You have young children.
Also, being a realist, you have no money and this will financially impact you forever - regardless of it being his fault. It is worth trying to work through it. At 42, with 50% of your retirement, you will have 50k in the bank. You will not be able to retire. You have no equity in your house. You have made significantly bad financial decisions. I hate to be the one to tell you but you are starting from scratch in your 40s if you divorce. That 50k will be eaten by lawyer fees, you may get some child support or alimony but he will most likely file for bankruptcy.

It isn't pretty.

TBH, she is going to have that problem regardless. Unless the husband is waiting on some amazing IPO or something--50k or 100k, it makes no difference. They are basically "starting from scratch" even as a couple--way behind financially, especially at an income that qualified them for a $4700 PITI. The house was an awful choice, and nobody is going to be able to retire well in this situation until late 60s or later, whether or not they are divorced.

Far better to find a fulfilling career that doesn't make that time feel like a slog.

[Anonymous]

How much is the house worth? Why does a $600k mortgage carry an almost $5k/month payment? That doesn't add up. Do you have access to all the accounts? Something's fishy. You and husband seem to have almost no money saved but it sounds like a lot is coming in. I'd be very suspicious of his finances and that he's funneling/hiding money.

You need a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Try to get more info on this (for your sanity). Check the kid's ipads for more messages. Look at phone bills to see if he's having long conversations etc. Look at credit card receipts.

Won't help financially, but it'll help you stay sane when he gas lights you and denies. Sorry, been there and wish I'd gathered even more info than I had.