Blindsided by potential cheating—how can I protect myself and the kids financially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to break with the rest of the board and say that you should try to work on it. Get into counseling. Many people work through infidelity.

Based on everything you describe about your situation, your kids and your quality of life will absolutely plummet in a way that won't recover after a divorce.

This. Before you make any rash decisions, please get individual therapy and marriage therapy (if he is willing and wants to save the marriage - if he doesn't or isn't apologetic, then divorce). It can be worked through. You have young children.
Also, being a realist, you have no money and this will financially impact you forever - regardless of it being his fault. It is worth trying to work through it. At 42, with 50% of your retirement, you will have 50k in the bank. You will not be able to retire. You have no equity in your house. You have made significantly bad financial decisions. I hate to be the one to tell you but you are starting from scratch in your 40s if you divorce. That 50k will be eaten by lawyer fees, you may get some child support or alimony but he will most likely file for bankruptcy.

It isn't pretty.

This is a hard no.

OP your children deserve better. Divorce him, he lied to you over and over again. Why would you want someone like that? STD"s? Dishonestly? And financially you are already a mess leaving him won't make it worse it will be hard in the begining but you can do this for your children to have a better life.

Her children don't have to know, shouldn't ever know and she would be doing them a huge disservice to tell them regardless of the outcome. Her children deserve to not live in poverty. As much as I can jump on the "divorce him and everything will be peachy" bandwagon, in this case, it won't. Stop blowing smoke up her a$$. She allowed her finances to be a wreck, she chose to stay home and not save any money, sounds like she majorly overspent on a house, refuses to give up luxuries like a homeopathic doc, I bet she has two car payments, etc. etc. etc. She can choose to live in a situation where there is not anger, raise her kids and make a decision on the marriage when they are out of the house and she only has to feed herself - it won't be perfect and will take a ton of work and sacrifice but it can happen. That may be what is best for her children as she also made a ton of very bad choices that have put her squarely in the position to not be able to leave if she had to.

[Anonymous]

I second the poster who says something isn’t right with the money. Where is it all going given that you seemed to truly believe your husband was working all those hours?

I’m also picking up on that you and both your kids (though not your husband??) seem to have some medical issues that only respond to out of pocket medical care. Call me crazy, but are you sure your husband isn’t hurting you and the kids? Read Ann Rule’s Everything She Ever Wanted, and Last Dance Last Chance along with Bitter Harvest also by Ann Rule. Point is, there are some really nasty people out there capable of causing medical issues.

Also, your post is why many women tell their husbands “You can do that hobby or that job all you want, but you’d better be home with me weekends, evenings and nights” Way too easy for even good humans to screw around when their time and energy are not accountable.

Deffinately talk with a lawyer or two, you can certainly aford that, and you do have the right to seek out cogent advice, after all, you are already patronizing what may or may not be a quck with no problem at all. Why you can do that and be so helpless in other areas makes me wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to break with the rest of the board and say that you should try to work on it. Get into counseling. Many people work through infidelity.

Based on everything you describe about your situation, your kids and your quality of life will absolutely plummet in a way that won't recover after a divorce.

This. Before you make any rash decisions, please get individual therapy and marriage therapy (if he is willing and wants to save the marriage - if he doesn't or isn't apologetic, then divorce). It can be worked through. You have young children.
Also, being a realist, you have no money and this will financially impact you forever - regardless of it being his fault. It is worth trying to work through it. At 42, with 50% of your retirement, you will have 50k in the bank. You will not be able to retire. You have no equity in your house. You have made significantly bad financial decisions. I hate to be the one to tell you but you are starting from scratch in your 40s if you divorce. That 50k will be eaten by lawyer fees, you may get some child support or alimony but he will most likely file for bankruptcy.

It isn't pretty.

This is a hard no.

OP your children deserve better. Divorce him, he lied to you over and over again. Why would you want someone like that? STD"s? Dishonestly? And financially you are already a mess leaving him won't make it worse it will be hard in the begining but you can do this for your children to have a better life.

Her children don't have to know, shouldn't ever know and she would be doing them a huge disservice to tell them regardless of the outcome. Her children deserve to not live in poverty. As much as I can jump on the "divorce him and everything will be peachy" bandwagon, in this case, it won't. Stop blowing smoke up her a$$. She allowed her finances to be a wreck, she chose to stay home and not save any money, sounds like she majorly overspent on a house, refuses to give up luxuries like a homeopathic doc, I bet she has two car payments, etc. etc. etc. She can choose to live in a situation where there is not anger, raise her kids and make a decision on the marriage when they are out of the house and she only has to feed herself - it won't be perfect and will take a ton of work and sacrifice but it can happen. That may be what is best for her children as she also made a ton of very bad choices that have put her squarely in the position to not be able to leave if she had to.

I'm in this camp. Cheating is awful, but there are many worse things. Only you can decide if it's worse to watch your children grow up in poverty in a split household over a decade and a half. Squirrel money away for yourself over time and drop the husband once the kids graduate. You have years to secretly plan your grand escape. But in the meantime, prioritize your children.

[Anonymous]

OP here—some of you are being very cruel and kicking me while I’m already down. I HAVE been working this whole time—at least one and often two or even three jobs (per diem for additional, etc.). It was my idiot husband’s idea to buy this house and I trusted and believed we would be okay. I did make financial mistakes but I did all I could to right them. We have no debt (own our cars thank you very much) except for mortal age which we could make a nice profit if we sold. As I said I’ve been the main caretaker with my parents helping out a lot to pick up husband’s slack.

The integrative Dr is legit and takes insurance but not our insurance. He has helped us so much when years of treatment from other professionals have not. Please don’t jump down my throat here. I’ve been desperately miserable and attacking me like this doesn’t help.

[Anonymous]

Also we were getting ahead until the medical expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here—some of you are being very cruel and kicking me while I’m already down. I HAVE been working this whole time—at least one and often two or even three jobs (per diem for additional, etc.). It was my idiot husband’s idea to buy this house and I trusted and believed we would be okay. I did make financial mistakes but I did all I could to right them. We have no debt (own our cars thank you very much) except for mortal age which we could make a nice profit if we sold. As I said I’ve been the main caretaker with my parents helping out a lot to pick up husband’s slack.

The integrative Dr is legit and takes insurance but not our insurance. He has helped us so much when years of treatment from other professionals have not. Please don’t jump down my throat here. I’ve been desperately miserable and attacking me like this doesn’t help.

you don't owe anyone a justification. have you taken any of the advice on here? called a lawyer? made copies of financials?

[Anonymous]

OP—yes I have contacted a lawyer for advice and I’m putting together all financial info.

I just want support and help because I’m terrified and alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—yes I have contacted a lawyer for advice and I’m putting together all financial info.

I just want support and help because I’m terrified and alone.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I did and it's just terrible. Let yourself be miserable. Get a therapist. See your friends. It will be ok eventually.

[Anonymous]

Are you in a community property state? Cheating doesn't really matter (unfortunately) to the financial settlement. You are entitled to half his retirement and half the equity in the house. Get ready to move to someplace cheaper and smaller. Maybe with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—yes I have contacted a lawyer for advice and I’m putting together all financial info.

I just want support and help because I’m terrified and alone.

Good wishes to you. When the time is right for you, talk to your parents and see what the options are. Maybe you can sell the house and move into a more affordable new set-up with you and the kids and your parents.

[Anonymous]

Would you be comfortable just separating in place? Just move to the guest room, marriage is over. Divorce is not really necessary though.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he may be sticking around for the kids. When they're up and out, you'll be left high and dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is the house worth? Why does a $600k mortgage carry an almost $5k/month payment? That doesn't add up. Do you have access to all the accounts? Something's fishy. You and husband seem to have almost no money saved but it sounds like a lot is coming in. I'd be very suspicious of his finances and that he's funneling/hiding money.

You need a lawyer.

My guess is that OP lives in a place like NY where the property taxes are enormous. As a point of comparison, my cousin lives in a house that's worth $400K and pays something like $13K per year in property taxes because they have a separate school tax.

[Anonymous]

What have you said to your husband and how did he respond?

I’m of the camp that this does not have to be an automatic divorce - it depends on many things. For me to leave my husband, he would have to be unremorseful or unwilling to try again/seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be comfortable just separating in place? Just move to the guest room, marriage is over. Divorce is not really necessary though.

OP here—yes that is what I’m thinking for now.

Yes we are in NY where taxes are astronomical.

I confronted him about the message and he initially denied it many times. Then he keeps insisting he didn’t have an affair, that he’s just too friendly and flirty at work because he wants people to like him. He’s a moron. This woman is his employee and he’s set himself up nicely to be sued for harassment if she wanted to. He swears up and down he didn’t cheat and isn’t lying but the story doesn’t add up or make sense. Even his own mother (my mother in law) thinks he’s lying—she thinks he’s so deeply in denial that he believes his own lies.