Blindsided by potential cheating—how can I protect myself and the kids financially?

[Anonymous]

OP here again—yeah super dumb choice on our part with the house. We got a private mortgage from his uncle (no money down or very little), did interest only for 5 years and that’s why we owed so much. We did get a great deal on the house and it’s really two houses in one since my parents live here too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to get more info on this (for your sanity). Check the kid's ipads for more messages. Look at phone bills to see if he's having long conversations etc. Look at credit card receipts.

Won't help financially, but it'll help you stay sane when he gas lights you and denies. Sorry, been there and wish I'd gathered even more info than I had.

Who cares it’s obvious he’s cheating. It’s very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again—yeah super dumb choice on our part with the house. We got a private mortgage from his uncle (no money down or very little), did interest only for 5 years and that’s why we owed so much. We did get a great deal on the house and it’s really two houses in one since my parents live here too.

How are you splitting equity if your parents live there too? Is there a contractual document in place which dictates what happens if you sell the house? Depending on the state and how long you have lived there and other factors, they may own a third of the house - that may be good for you or bad for you depending on whether you want to keep housing your parents or whether they will hand over their equity. You are now responsible for your parents and yourself if you leave your husband and lose the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to get more info on this (for your sanity). Check the kid's ipads for more messages. Look at phone bills to see if he's having long conversations etc. Look at credit card receipts.

Won't help financially, but it'll help you stay sane when he gas lights you and denies. Sorry, been there and wish I'd gathered even more info than I had.

Who cares it’s obvious he’s cheating. It’s very common.

From one message, it isn't obvious he is cheating. She is about to implode her kid's lives, her life and her parent's life for one message at this point. I would want to know for darn sure he is cheating and not just being a dirt bag and flirting if I was to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be comfortable just separating in place? Just move to the guest room, marriage is over. Divorce is not really necessary though.

OP here—yes that is what I’m thinking for now.

Yes we are in NY where taxes are astronomical.

I confronted him about the message and he initially denied it many times. Then he keeps insisting he didn’t have an affair, that he’s just too friendly and flirty at work because he wants people to like him. He’s a moron. This woman is his employee and he’s set himself up nicely to be sued for harassment if she wanted to. He swears up and down he didn’t cheat and isn’t lying but the story doesn’t add up or make sense. Even his own mother (my mother in law) thinks he’s lying—she thinks he’s so deeply in denial that he believes his own lies.

I get this isn't the relationship forum but from personal experience, don't involve family unless you have to. Chances are, you are going to stay. Many women do and that is fine. It is a completely valid choice, however, you cannot unring that bell of telling his parents, your parents, the neighbors, etc. I know many of the current blogs tell you to go scorched earth and tell everyone but you may eventually come to terms with this and those other people won't. It will be very uncomfortable for everyone - everyone - for many years. Just because you hate him now does not mean that you want Aunt Bertha's birthday party to be drama in 10 years because of this mistake and after you worked through it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I appreciate the replies. I am gathering info, plan to squirrel away funds and do everything to protect myself, my children and my parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, take heart. I am the child of this situation, and the upset in our younger lives made us more driven to succeed. We all took out college loans and are all doing really well now. My mom had her retirement wiped out and stolen during the divorce, so she had to find a job. She did, and worked hard from 45-65, and is doing great. She lives in a condo and takes trips and loves her life. You don't need to be some suburban supermom to have a great life. Just take care of yourself and your kids, and keep them away from bad people.

Sending you well wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again—yeah super dumb choice on our part with the house. We got a private mortgage from his uncle (no money down or very little), did interest only for 5 years and that’s why we owed so much. We did get a great deal on the house and it’s really two houses in one since my parents live here too.

If it's like 2 houses - can you stay in it with your parents? For now anyway?

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you very much for the kind words.

Yes I guess we could stay in the house. Also if I kicked m husband out I could possibly rent part of the house which is zoned for commercial use.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to stay with this man, you have to get seriously back to work. Do not set yourself up for him to be doing this 5, 10 or 15 years down the road and you to still be unable to leave for financial reasons. Get a postnup and get a job at your maximum earning potential.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

This sucks. I'm sorry. I'm not one to say that cheating should automatically lead to divorce. Relationships get complicated. But it sounds like you don't have much respect for your husband in general. Not judging. From a lot of what you've said, it doesn't sound like he deserves much.

I would also say that one text message isn't everything to go on, but I admit it seems like 99% something was going on. Would you stay with him if he admitted it and stopped it or is that something you could never accept? I guess I'm asking if you WANT to try and save things? It would probably be less financially painful, although it does seem like your husband has not been great up until now with financial decisions.

I think I would definitely talk to your parents. I know I would if it was me--especially because they are basically living in the same house as you. Could they watch your kids so you could go back to work more, or is that not possible because of COVID? Also, do you have any close friends you trust who have been through divorce? They might be able to guide you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an attorney, STAT.

From where I sit, it sounds like you're in a pretty good position.

And I'm sorry to say that many of us have discovered affairs, particularly during covid. Myself included. Not much consultation but you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I'd wager 85% of married men are scumbags. As faithful as their opportunities.

Wow, sexist much. You do understand that if most of these men are cheating with women...so the 85% must be true for them as well. Just saying

It is awful to just generalized all men like this. I am a woman but see plenty of them doing affairs in their marriage. Looks like you had a bad experience and now putting everyone in the same boat but I am sure you are out(or soon getting ready to be) dating again. Hypocrisy to the extent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an attorney, STAT.

From where I sit, it sounds like you're in a pretty good position.

And I'm sorry to say that many of us have discovered affairs, particularly during covid. Myself included. Not much consultation but you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I'd wager 85% of married men are scumbags. As faithful as their opportunities.

Wow, sexist much. You do understand that if most of these men are cheating with women...so the 85% must be true for them as well. Just saying

It is awful to just generalized all men like this. I am a woman but see plenty of them doing affairs in their marriage. Looks like you had a bad experience and now putting everyone in the same boat but I am sure you are out(or soon getting ready to be) dating again. Hypocrisy to the extent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to break with the rest of the board and say that you should try to work on it. Get into counseling. Many people work through infidelity.

Based on everything you describe about your situation, your kids and your quality of life will absolutely plummet in a way that won't recover after a divorce.

4

This would only work if both partners have true intentions of making it work. You should be ready to forgive if he makes a conscientious effort to work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be comfortable just separating in place? Just move to the guest room, marriage is over. Divorce is not really necessary though.

OP here—yes that is what I’m thinking for now.

Yes we are in NY where taxes are astronomical.

I confronted him about the message and he initially denied it many times. Then he keeps insisting he didn’t have an affair, that he’s just too friendly and flirty at work because he wants people to like him. He’s a moron. This woman is his employee and he’s set himself up nicely to be sued for harassment if she wanted to. He swears up and down he didn’t cheat and isn’t lying but the story doesn’t add up or make sense. Even his own mother (my mother in law) thinks he’s lying—she thinks he’s so deeply in denial that he believes his own lies.

Wait, you told your MIL about this? Whoa.