Blindsided by potential cheating—how can I protect myself and the kids financially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I found a cell phone message of my husband’s that somehow went to our children’s iPad in which he assured the woman he was communicating with that it’s all clear, their messages wouldn’t go to the iPad, she said that made her happy, he said that’s what he shoots for, then wrote “good night (with a kiss face emoji) baby girl.”

I am 42 and he is 43. We have been married 16 years (together for 25) and have two young children. My mind is reeling and I’m trying to figure out my next steps.

We are in a difficult situation in that my parents live next door in the attached apartment and help us with the mortgage. They’ve also been the de facto parents as husband works at least 14 hour days (he used to work 80-100 hours a week but works less now and thinks he should get a medal).

We have a lot of out of pocket medical
expenses as I’m using a homeopathic doctor to help me and the children with some chronic things. I mommy tracked my career because he is never ever home.

We live in a very high cost of living area. Our mortgage alone is almost $4700 a month. We have no debt other than the house (on which we owe over $600,000). We have less than $100,000 saves for retirement and it’s just about all in his account. We have no pensions.

I can’t think straight and I just don’t believe what he’s told me about the messages. I’m thinking to hire someone so I can get real evidence (which will also cost me).

During the pandemic I was able to keep my job but now that things are opening I am working remote at less than 1/4 my original salary.

Any help appreciated.

You need to go back to a full time job and reduce your housing situation. Your mortgage is insane especially with little savings. And, cut back on the doctors and use insurance covered only.

He's cheating. He's lying. I'd take the kids and move in with your parents. Or, if they have the smaller place, they move into yours and he can move into theirs.

This sounds about right if it’s a high cost area. Our mortgage is about $300 less and we owe $650K. The real estate assessments increase each year due to property values which makes our mortgage increase because more has to be set aside to pay the property taxes. But, we have more saved in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is the house worth? Why does a $600k mortgage carry an almost $5k/month payment? That doesn't add up. Do you have access to all the accounts? Something's fishy. You and husband seem to have almost no money saved but it sounds like a lot is coming in. I'd be very suspicious of his finances and that he's funneling/hiding money.

You need a lawyer.

+1

Maybe they have a high interest rate and PMI, but my mortgage is much larger than OP's at 4600 PITI.

[Anonymous]

OP could live in an area with high property taxes (like Westchester NY)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP could live in an area with high property taxes (like Westchester NY)

She confirmed that earlier. Looks like NY. I still can't believe how high taxes are in the NYC suburbs. Its like 4x what I pay in NW DC. If I worked in NYC and lived nearby, my effective tax rate would be 10-15% higher (as a share of gross salary)

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like OP’s makes that much money if they need the ILs to help pay a $600k mortgage.

Could you afford the mortgage if your parents moved to your side of the house and you rented out their apartment?

If I were you, I would kick out the DH. I could not stay in the same house.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I appreciate the replies. I am gathering info, plan to squirrel away funds and do everything to protect myself, my children and my parents.

But you already confronted him. The jig is sort of up, no?