Ex never, ever goes away.
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Anonymous
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. He's 39 and I'm 33. He was previously married, but they have been divorced for 5 years. However, he has never completely moved on from her, and it has caused lots of problems for us. In the beginning of our relationship (for the first year, really..), he was still meeting with her weekly for dinner and drinks. He was seeing her regularly. I told him I was very uncomfortable with this and felt as though it was detrimental to our relationship. He claims he stopped seeing her at that point. He still continued to use her library card, Netflix account, had many of her things still scattered around the house, etc. In short, it felt like there was always another person in the relationship, and it felt like she wasn't ever really gone.
To make a long story short, I've had a two conversations with him over the past 6 months or so about his phone use. He was very clingy to his phone, texting often (he's not a big texter), and taking it with him to the bathroom/carrying it with him when he immediately woke up. I asked what was up, and if he was talking to her. Both times, he swore up and down they had no contact-- that he's chatting with friends. I asked him if that was the case, to please be more cognizant of how it looks to me. Yesterday, he was showing me something on his phone and a text from her popped up. All he said was "Sorry..." and pretty much didn't touch his phone for the rest of the night. I haven't said anything about it because I've been so hurt and angry. I feel like he's made the calculus that maintaining a relationship with her is worth of the cost of the damage it does to our relationship. We had been discussing marriage and future plans, and now I just don't know. I feel like he's been lying to me, and that she won't ever be fully gone. I want to say something to him today, but I'm really bad at confrontation. Can you guys help me come up with a good way to start this discussion? Thank you. |
Anonymous
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I'd end the relationship. He is not ready and has not moved on.
You don't want to end up with someone like this... |
Anonymous
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Does he have kids with her? |
Anonymous
| You need to break up with this dude ASAP, no matter what he says. |
Anonymous
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I can’t tell you what to do, but I can say that this is as good as it gets. This phase when you’re dating and thinking about marriage is the easiest time in a relationship. If you’re feeling frustrated now, imagine how you’re going to feel when you’re living together and he forgot to take out the trash and left his wet clothes in the washer... AND then a text from the ex pops on his phone... |
Anonymous
OP: Nope, no kids, so all contact is totally by choice. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, OP. You've already had the conversation and he's given you his answer. |
Anonymous
+1. Pretty key piece of information. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry. I would end it also. He isn't 100% with you. He may move on eventually...likely when his ex re-marries, but who knows. All you can do is figure he isn't ready now and hasn't been honest with you and move on |
Anonymous
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We are both adults, too old for childish games. I cannot tell you what to do or how to behave, but I can tell you how your actions make me feel, and what they make me think. In my opinion, your attachment with your ex-wife is unhealthy, and limits any growth we could have for the things we discuss about a future. If we cannot get on the same page about this, then it is only fair we be honest about how far this can go. I’m 33, and AMA is 24 months away. If we are not on the same timeline, or we do not respect the same boundaries,it is only fair to open the door to other options. I love you enough to let you go, but I love myself enough to not compromise on what is best for me and my future family.
And leave it at that. But I sense he is going to give lip service and get better at hiding. I would probably leave if he didn’t initiate things to show I could trust him. Do they have children together? |
Anonymous
| Dump immediately |
Anonymous
PP here. Dump him. I was giving the benefit of the doubt, but dude has issues. |
Anonymous
| At best, he is still in love. At worst, he is keeping her around for sex and the possibility of it. |
Anonymous
| OP, you are a prop in their ongoing saga. I would move on. |
Anonymous
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He knows what you want, and doesn’t want to/isn’t capable of doing it now. No conversation or ultimatum is going to change that - he’ll say what you want in the moment, but his actions have already spoken.
Time to move on, OP. He may be a good guy, but you’re not in the right mutual place right now. |