Why are some girls so lucky in love and others struggle?

[Anonymous]

Oh OP. Do you really think marrying a HS or college sweetheart is being lucky? That sounds like such a nightmare to me.

[Anonymous]

Read Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (the title is more misogynistic than the book). I found it rather insightful.

[Anonymous]

I've wondered the same thing myself.

I have several friends who should probably teach a master class in "how not to be single". They have all basically always had boyfriends or husbands - like they went straight from the high school boyfriend to the college boyfriend to the post-college dude to the husband. And if they divorced, they found someone else right away. I assume it's a combination of luck and possibly putting up with things I wouldn't. Like the things that might make me break up aren't an issue for them. Or they're finding the next guy before breaking up. I think in general, they are also relatively easygoing personalities and they are reasonably attractive women who aren't super hot, but kind of girl-next-door types. I assume the combo if "attractive enough" and "easygoing" are pretty desirable to dudes.

(my most attractive friends seem to have some trouble in love - I think maybe it's harder to break through the noise of so much male attention to find the right guy.)

I'm not really like that. When I'm done with someone, I'm done. I break up, take lots of time as a single person, and then eventually find someone else - maybe. I've never been married and sometimes go years between relationships. But I have good relationships with family and lots of friends, so I don't think it's really any sort of "issue" per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From where I sit, women who are lucky in love vary as to looks or personality traits, but they have one thing in common:

They are focused on what they want out of the relationship, and they are completely ready to exit relationships that do not lead to their goal quickly. They do not ask if this will get better, if they can change the man, if this is not so bad after all. They are ready to leave quickly.

Pretty much every single beautiful, successful, single girlfriend I have now (we are all in late 40s) has spent years in dead-end, utterly unsuitable relationships. This has hampered their chances in the marketplace as the pool of men shrinks while standards become higher.

This is true in my experience too- all of the women I know that are in happy marriages past 10-15years are either just extremely lucky that they found a compatible partner or the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Lucky in love? According to science, it is not about luck....Sue Johnson, PhD is a well known researcher on this subject...watch her youtube videos, it's about emotional connection, safety and security...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDVPszHngO8


Good luck everyone...16 years using her approach and it still works for us....
Married at age 32....I'd be single or divorced if I hadn't come across her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (the title is more misogynistic than the book). I found it rather insightful.

How is the title misogynistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume the combo if "attractive enough" and "easygoing" are pretty desirable to dudes.

Pretty much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

Agree

Agree but I would go deeper, to an inherent sense of self, a confidence about who you are and the good judgment to recognize who would work best when in connection with you. For some people, that means finding someone who is like you in temperament and interests, but it could also mean recognizing that you wouldn't fit as well with someone like you (opposites attract). You could be a highly neurotic type A person and have the judgment to recognize you need to marry someone who isn't like you at all for it to work!

OP isn't just talking about increasing your odds to marry, but increasing your odds to have a "lucky in love" future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think some people find love so easily and effortlessly while others struggle or are perpetually single?

Why do you think some people find true love and their partners so easily while others wait years to find it and endure so much heartbreak? Dumb luck?

I’ve (32F) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012, a few weeks before he closed in on a house and I was set to move in. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive - we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.

Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 32, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great men lately but Kobe that I feel was a good match long-term. I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 and she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.

There is no real difference in these friends (male and female) in attractiveness or awesomeness. They’re all equal in my eyes. And I’m not wondering this to be bitter - I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is immune to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?

Some women love pleasing their man. Love a long sensual blow job

Some women don’t

The happy women know the truth

[Anonymous]

I have wondered this. My theory is that it’s women who can see red flags and also have a realistic sense of self (not tossing aside good options because they don’t think they’re good enough).

But this doesn’t always work. I have a family member who has a lot of negative energy and honestly isn’t bad looking but not gorgeous either. She’s older now and not looking to get married but she can find a man easily and she always dumps them, not the other way around.

I have a friend who is conventionally pretty and easy going. She finds guys but she is always the one dumped. She really wants to settle down with a husband and kids but no luck yet.

In both these situations, I have to assume that these women are both much different in relationships than with others. One to her benefit, one not. That or men like the first because she is not as into the relationship as they are.

[Anonymous]

It's not luck. It's being willing to accept that there is no perfect man out there who will just appear out of the blue. It's realizing that you yourself are far from perfect as a woman, as well. It's realizing that you have to put yourself out there and be ready to cooperate and compromise with a man instead of competing against him in everything. Many women who say they'll never settle at 30 are living in a fantasy world. While you bide your time waiting for the perfect man to materialize, a younger woman is getting married because she lives in reality where finding a good man and cooperating with him is her priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Being smart is much higher in confidence interval as far as genetic blessing goes than being pretty.

Being pretty goes a long way, I have beautiful friends in their 40s continue to receive attention from DH and in general.

Perhaps. Self confidence is something that I have to cultivate—it doesn’t come naturally to me at all—but doing well in school and such does help a lot. Probably more than attention from men (for me anyway, I don’t really care for attention from random men).

Since beauty is such a huge social signifier for women, girls who are natural beauties reap the rewards early in life. Being treated well and with respect as a young girl instill innate self confidence that those who are not as good looking have to work very hard to cultivate and develop.

This self confidence also plays a part in helping pretty girls marry well by picking well.

Eh...I am 53 and have had beautiful, cute, and I guess "average" female friends and extended female relatives my whole life (though I never viewed them as "average .") A lot of us if not most struggled with self esteem at least in certain areas, both when younger and at this age. It's part of being human. I have objectively beautiful patients (I'm a therapist) who struggle, often significantly, with self worth. I think it is very easy to think the beautiful have it easy...in my experience, it is not so. Certainly, beauty does not always translate to being lucky in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitment-phobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

PP here. I was actually going to add, I also have beautiful friends who have struggled. In their case it was their lack of emotional maturity and femininity that hindered them.

Marriageable guys know from an early age what kind of girl to go for. They do not go for the hot party girl who is not feminine and is masculine in her disposition. They will sleep with her and date her, but never marry her.
Guys just know. Its mostly biology.

This. I was the hot party girl. Sure they wanted to sleep with me, but they all married Plain Jane.

Um...to him she probably wasn't plain though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

People always say the “be best friends first” line but that is not the case in my experience. I had an ex who was my close friend for years since we had many shared interests. Unfortunately he was very controlling with his romantic partners in way that was not evident with his friends. We were together for quite a while but if I had married him then it would have been miserable. Many men are very different with their friends compared to their intimate partners. Later I ended up marrying someone who has very different interests than my own and it’s safe to say that we would not be platonic friends if we weren’t dating. We do not enjoy the same hobbies but agree on what we want for our lives together and support one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitment-phobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

PP here. I was actually going to add, I also have beautiful friends who have struggled. In their case it was their lack of emotional maturity and femininity that hindered them.

Marriageable guys know from an early age what kind of girl to go for. They do not go for the hot party girl who is not feminine and is masculine in her disposition. They will sleep with her and date her, but never marry her.
Guys just know. Its mostly biology.

This. I was the hot party girl. Sure they wanted to sleep with me, but they all married Plain Jane.

Um...to him she probably wasn't plain though...

More like, he probably just reached that “uh oh, I better get married” moment, and she was just there.